Posted by TamaraJ on February 20, 2005, at 13:07:58
In reply to how to cope and accept?, posted by rainbowbrite on February 19, 2005, at 16:54:34
Hi Rain,
Don't feel ridiculous. I think grief and dealing with loss is hard enough and overwhelming enough to talk about at times, let alone to read about another's grief and try to understand what they are going through. You will know when you are ready, if ever, to read other posts. (If that makes any sense). I hope others respond. This is an important topic.
I am not very good at the grief thing. I internalize. But I guess I would have to ask (and I don't expect a written answer to me - I'm just giving you some things to think about) have you looked inside yourself for the reasons why you can't accept the deaths. Sometimes we have a hard time accepting someone's death because we felt powerless to prevent it (no matter what the cause), or we feel we have been cheated (someone was taken from us too soon and it's just not fair), or we have regrets of some kind about the state of the relationship before the person died (maybe we feel we had not sufficiently expressed our love and respect for the person, we felt we had taken the person for granted, or maybe we had said or done something to the person that we regret and wish we had the chance to take back and make amends, etc.).
Everybody is different in how they grieve. I don't really have an answer to your question about whether it is possible to accept death. I have seen a number of people I cared about deeply die in their prime (even earlier), and I know it can be hard to accept. But, I think it is possible to move beyond the pain and grief, in our own time, and move forward and live our lives after a loss. Can we ever be prepared for death? I would have to say - sometimes yes (I think). And when we have that opportunity then we should make sure that we make the most of the time we have with the person and make sure when they leave us that we are not faced with not only grieving their passing but also regretting anything left unsaid and undone to ensure the person knew how much they meant to us and how they touched our lives. Actually, it really is something, when I think about it, that we should be doing with all the important people in our lives, no matter what their state of health is. I don't think we ever forget a person, and I don't think we should or should try (if they meant something to us in life, then their memory should live on in death). And, maybe it is just me, but I think it might be unhealthy to just forget someone - to move on like they never existed (of course, there may well be very strong reasons why forgetting a person may be in our best interest or may be a form of self-preservation, I don't know). It is sort of (IMO) negating a part of our life. It's true that the person's passing leaves a hole in our lives, but erasing memories of that person and forgetting them leaves an even bigger hole I would think (but, again, I guess it would depend on the nature of the relationship). I hope what I have said makes some sense.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this right now. Please know that you are not alone.Take care of yourself Rain. My thoughts are with you.
Tamara
poster:TamaraJ
thread:460475
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/460830.html