![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 27. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 16, 2003, at 8:29:19
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by someloser on October 16, 2003, at 0:41:39
> im new to this forum stuff... lately things have gotten really sh*tty... i worked my *ss of at work and got in a fight with my parents after and broke tons of sh*t and got kicked out of my house... i tried to cover all the blood on me and sh*t.. that completed my day and if sh*t doesnt go better maybe my life... life is a bowl of f*cking cherries.
Welcome! I'm sorry things are rough right now. In a crisis, please get help in person. You're welcome also to keep posting, but I need to ask you not to use language that could offend others:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 15:57:55
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
Hi,
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you are still looking at this website, although I can't say how much help I'll be.
But I've been there. Several times. And the first *real* breakup is always the hardest. One of the hardest parts that causes so much pain is the loss of your dreams of the future. Sometimes that loss hurts more than the actual day-to-day loss of your significant other.
One of the things I try to do when I break up with someone or they break up with me is to go over the relationship and focus on what *wasn't* working. Believe it or not, there *were* reasons you were feeling restless, and had to move out. There *were* problems there. Now, whether they were inconquerable or not, who's to say? At this time in your life, those problems were too big.
Also, right after you break up with someone you really loved, you tend to look back on the relationship and romanticize it. You keep remembering all the great things, and that makes you miss that person even more. Now is the time to nurture yourself, to love yourself, to go out and find new things to do, to avoid romantic songs on the radio like the plague.
I had a guy absolutely break my heart so bad I thought I was going to die. My brother told me the same thing I'm telling you. There was a *reason* you stepped back (I had initially stepped back, too). Trust your gut on that *reason.* You are still very young and still figuring out who you are. And often, even though two people are absolutely wonderful human beings, being together impedes a person from getting to know himself, from growing. You probably *did* need space. Honor that.
Don't take your ex's immediately attachment to someone else personally. She might be enjoying the newness of a crush, but even a crush's highs cannot compare to the wonder of true, longlasting love. The two of you had something special. No matter what you think or fear, she's not experiencing that type of emotional intimacy with this new guy. It's a rebound thing. Will it develop into more? Only time will tell. But you have no control over her and her life. You need to focus on you. Love yourself when you feel like no one else is loving you.
You were capable of feeling deep, intimate love once. I've known some people who've never been capable of that, and they are the ones I feel sorry for. You will, in time, find that again.
Surround yourself with friends, go to funny movies or comedy clubs. Get new routines that don't remind you of her. Yes, it will take time, even though I know that's not the answer you want. But you are strong and you will survive. Be honest and face the feelings you have now, even if they hurt. If you do that, you will heal truly and fully.
Lean on your friends and your loved ones right now. And you can always come back and visit us.
You're in my thoughts, take care,
Susan
Posted by jeff g on October 18, 2003, at 10:23:26
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help » jeff g, posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 15:57:55
thanks so much Susan, your reply is very insightful. I am trying to keep myself busy
and start new things in my life. Still, I really know that she is the only one I want. In your experience can people in such a situation ever regain that love? I feel like she couldn't possibly have really stopped loving me, not as strongly as she loved me. I feel like she buried it because she felt she had to , just to preserve herself. I realize so many things now, and more than anything in the world I want another chance some day to really be a great soul mate with her, and really let her know this time how much I love and appreciate her.
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 14:54:17
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 18, 2003, at 10:23:26
Hi, Jeff,
> Still, I really know that she is the only one I want. In your experience can people in such a situation ever regain that love?
<<I think you are feeling stuff very similar to what I've felt in prior breakups. Not sure, since I don't know you, but that's the vibe I get.There is a difference between the pain of losing someone,dying to get them back, and the pain of losing someone you truly love. Most of my breakups I wanted the guy back desperately. After getting some time and distance, I got perspective, and saw it was all about nursing my killed ego, wanting to be loved, being lonely, trying to win back someone who left me and all that. To get really psychoanalytical, I never had my father's love. Getting a man and trying to keep him was about succeeding at getting male love when I had obviously failed to do it with my father. I say this only to make you think whether you've got a similar pattern going on.
There was one relationship, however, where I discovered I truly did love the other person. Love, in its best form, is very unselfish. And the loss of that relationship hurt very much, but in the end, I *truly* honestly and completely wanted him to be happy, even if that meant he'd never be with me again. *That's* when I knew it had been real love.
If you *truly* unselfishly love your ex, then you will want her to be happy even if it means she is with another man. There is a certain peace that overcomes you when you realize this.
But your question, can two people ever regain that love? Yes. *I* never have, but I've seen it happen. And the two of you are young. But I don't want you to pin your hopes on this. It is so crucial that you nurture yourself, learn to grow, mature, honor your individuality. And let her do the same. In time, after the horrific pain is at least lessened, perhaps you can be friends again. If you or she has very little experience dating others, then I think dating other people right now is good for both of you. You learn what you like, what you don't, what you need, what you can't stand. Do you need space, and if so, how much? Do you need closeness, and if so, how much? And is your partner compatible with those needs?
You need to love yourself even more than you want her back. And you have to see if you love her enough to let her pursue what makes her the happiest....
>>I feel like she couldn't possibly have really stopped loving me, not as strongly as she loved me.
<<I don't know what the answer is here. Sometimes, if a person loves *so* much, she has lost sight of herself. And perhaps that's why she needed the break from you. She needs to find herself. She needs to know who she is as an individual before she can be part of a couple.
She may seem perfect in your eyes right now. That is totally normal. But she may have emotional issues of her own, may have immaturity issues she needs to work on before she can be a good partner for you or anyone else. Sometimes you just *can't* work through those issues when you are in a relationship, *especially* when you don't have that much relationship experience.
>>I realize so many things now,
<<This is great. I know it hurts so much, but you have learned and will continue to learn from this relationship. If you are honest with yourself, you will be a better partner for the next person who comes along, or if the two of you get back together, you will be a better partner to her. But, you should demand that she be a better partner for you, too. She should have learned from this situation, too.>> and more than anything in the world I want another chance some day to really be a great soul mate with her, and really let her know this time how much I love and appreciate her.
<<Do you talk to her at all now? Has she asked you not to contact her? If there are lines of communication open, why don't you write her a letter that says that? But only do this if your intention is to reaffirm your love for her and your appreciation of her. Tell her what lessons you've learned... *Don't* do it if your underlying motive is to get her back.Tell her you love her, are grateful for your time with her, and all you learned and loved. You've learned a lot since then and want another chance with her. Tell her it's all up to her (because it really is), but if she'd like to try again, you'd like to as well. But if not, that you hope she is happy in life (and truly mean that). And that you will go on with yours. And then do it.
I personally have had the experience where I've felt so attached, so drawn to a person, I thought I couldn't breathe again if he weren't in my life. It's happened twice. We tried again, several months later, and it all fell apart. The good stuff I remembered wasn't anywhere near as good, and the bad stuff was there just like before.
I'm sorry you hurt so bad. I've been there, and it's horrible. When I broke up with my exboyfriend a couple of years ago, he was devastated, and he went to counseling. It really helped him a lot. Perhaps that's something you can look into.
My thoughts are with you,
Susan
Posted by jeff g on October 18, 2003, at 20:15:55
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help » jeff g, posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 14:54:17
hey Susan thanks for responding..
> There is a difference between the pain of losing someone,dying to get them back, and the pain of losing someone you truly love. Most of my breakups I wanted the guy back desperately. After getting some time and distance, I got perspective, and saw it was all about nursing my killed ego, wanting to be loved, being lonely, trying to win back someone who left me and all that. To get really psychoanalytical, I never had my father's love. Getting a man and trying to keep him was about succeeding at getting male love when I had obviously failed to do it with my father. I say this only to make you think whether you've got a similar pattern going on.
>Yeah I see what you're talking about here and it probably looks like that from the outside. I think though that I really just love her with all my heart and I miss her so terribly. I always loved her so but was not the best at showing it consistently.. growing up in a really messed up family I never really was comfortable with showing love and how I really felt. I think what youre talking about may be playing a part to some extent, I hope not too much. My love is very real though and even if she is not with me, as terrible as it hurts, I still want her to be so happy and living her life.
> You need to love yourself even more than you want her back. And you have to see if you love her enough to let her pursue what makes her the happiest....
>I am giving her time right now even though each day without her feels like a week.. she is out having fun and I am glad for that. I just wish I could be making her happy also, because I once did and now I could do even much more.
>
<Sometimes, if a person loves *so* much, she has lost sight of herself. And perhaps that's why she needed the break from you. She needs to find herself. She needs to know who she is as an individual before she can be part of a couple.
>I understand this, we got together when she was 16. It seemed like she dropped a lot of the things she was into while we were together, I did the same. Its almost like we were sometimes afraid to be ourselves fully around each other.
<<Do you talk to her at all now? Has she asked you not to contact her? If there are lines of communication open, why don't you write her a letter that says that? But only do this if your intention is to reaffirm your love for her and your appreciation of her. Tell her what lessons you've learned... *Don't* do it if your underlying motive is to get her back. >>Yes we talk a bit on the phone though we are taking some distance right now cause I keep getting too upset. She definitely wants to be friends and still cares about me greatly. Lines of communication are open and I'd love to express to her so much of how I apprecaite her, but i DO want her back. I dont want to tell her these things solely to get her back, because I dont think thats happening anytime in near future. However I see how I subtly hurt her in ways and I really want her to know how awesome I think she is.
>
> I'm sorry you hurt so bad. I've been there, and it's horrible. When I broke up with my exboyfriend a couple of years ago, he was devastated, and he went to counseling. It really helped him a lot. Perhaps that's something you can look into.
>
I may have to take that road if things don't ease up. I feel like I am haunted by her ghost, and I also feel so much sadness and regret for things going astray like this. I love her more than anyone and she loved me like I never imagined someone would. I also just think she is so awesome of a person and beautiful. Its too bad I couldnt express this freely until the pain of loss, now it probably just seems like you said above, that I am just reeling ego right now trying to get her back for my ego's sake or loneliness. But I could get another girlfriend pretty easily, thers lots of great girls out there. The thing is, I dont have any interest in someone else, I realize now that despite a few issues, and the issue of age and maturity, I still feel in my heart like its right, that our love was truly special and should not be given up on.
> My thoughts are with you,
>
> Susan
>Thank you so much for taking time with me. I never thought I'd be so distraught over a relationship but this is the hardest thing Ive ever gone through.
>
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:22:27
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 18, 2003, at 20:15:55
Jeff,
>>Thank you so much for taking time with me. I never thought I'd be so distraught over a relationship but this is the hardest thing Ive ever gone through.
>
<<You're welcome. When a guy I loved more than life just up and broke up with me, it sent me into one of my worst depressions. It was the first time I just didn't want to live. One of the things that helped me was talking about it endlessly. I lost a couple of friends to that, I'm afraid, but it did help me through it. And if writing here helps you, then keep doing it.I know it hurts a lot. I wish you didn't have to go through it. But take the good from this and leave the bad behind, and your life will go on, and it *will* get better.
Counseling is almost always helpful, and your college should provide counselors for free or very low-cost. That's where my ex went.
Take care of yourself.
Susan
Posted by jeff g on October 28, 2003, at 14:31:13
In reply to I know » jeff g, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:22:27
hey Susan just wanted to get an update.
Its been a month on the day, since we really broke up. I have been through a couple phases of grief, but even after all that, I still love her so much. She is in my thoughts all the time, and I am trying so hard to hold on to hope. She wants to be friends, and we went out to breakfast on Sunday morning. I thought we had a great time, nothing serious was brought up, and we had some great conversation and laughs. She even gave me a big hug afterwards. This boosted my hopes a lot, so now I am waiting for her to call me again. I know she probably just had a good time as friends, but I saw some of that gleam in her eye that used to be there, she wasnt so cold like she has been lately. My problem is that, seeing her like this and knowing I still love her so much, but not being able to express that or talk about it, is causing me a lot of pain and worry. However, Ive tried just totally ignoring her and not having her in my life, and that is even worse, then it feels like she's dead or something and really , really gone. I know I am probably foolish to hold on like this, but my love isn't going away and I am willing to suffer for a while just to give it a chance, as litle as that chance may be. I really don't know what's going on in her head lately, if she feels something for me but does not want to encourage my hopes, or if she just really wants to be friends but is uncomfortable with my love for her. I guess I am just rambling but I miss her so much its tearing me up and if you have any advice I'd love to hear it. I don't know how healthy it is to pine so much for someone who has possibly moved on completely. But my love is so strong, and I feel like we have so much potential, that I don't know how to let go and get 'over her'.
Posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 14:56:23
In reply to Re: I know, posted by jeff g on October 28, 2003, at 14:31:13
Hi, Jeff,
Thanks for telling me what's going on. I was wondering how things were with you. :-)
>>This boosted my hopes a lot, so now I am waiting for her to call me again.
<<You know, I've been a little bummed recently over a psycho breakup between my brother and his sis-in-law, and the effect it's having on their son. My heart aches for all involved. And a friend here at babble told me to live for today, not tomorrow, not yesterday. Just make this day good. Deal with this day separately, not related to, what happened in the past, or what you *want* to happen in the future.It's great you enjoyed that sunday brunch with her, but try to focus on the joy of the moment and not the joy or anxiety you may feel about what that great brunch *might mean.*
>>I know she probably just had a good time as friends, but I saw some of that gleam in her eye that used to be there, she wasnt so cold like she has been lately.
<<Take that as the genuine fondness for you that it is. But try not to read into it to see what it might hold for your future. I know it's tough, but I think it's the only way to sanity.>> I don't know how healthy it is to pine so much for someone who has possibly moved on completely.
<<Hahah, you are so asking the wrong person that question, because I've done it so often in my own life. What this exercise does for you is prolong both *hope* and *pain.* Is the hope worth the pain? Yeah, you probably say. That's what *I* would say.But think of it like this. If there really is something between the two of you, it can survive distance and time. Soooo, it's much healthier to focus on *you*. Mot you with her, not you waiting for her, not you trying to make yourself better for her....Just you.
If you can do that and keep doing it, your strong feelings for her will start going away. I know that sounds scary in itself, but trust me....if there's really something there, those feelings can be rekindled. In the mean time you are focusing on you and loving yourself. Try to spend more time thinking about and idolizing yourself as you do thinking about and idolizing her. Really. It's tough, but sometimes you have to break out of certain thought patterns to get better (less pain) more quickly....
Also, people are attracted to a person's who's happy and carefree. You'll be more attractive to her and to others if you can break that bond with her. Sometimes, if a person continues to love you and you don't feel the same, their presence can be overwhelming and you want to run away even more....In otherwords, if she thinks you're pining for her, that's unattractive to her....
You are the most important person here. You. Gotta focus on you. OK?
But my love is so strong, and I feel like we have so much potential, that I don't know how to let go and get 'over her'.You cannot go wrong if you nuture yourself, love yourself, improve yourself for *you.* You just can't. And it will show to all those who are around you....maybe even her somewhere down the road...
Good luck, I'm thinking of ya,
Susan
Posted by ValerieF on October 29, 2003, at 12:57:11
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
Jay,
Hi... I'm Valerie. I just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same as you... RE: Grief of loss of dad and relationship... That was my post. I really feel for you and believe me... it takes a lot of time to get over a really bonded relationship. It has been about a month since me and my boyfriend of two years have broken up and I was at the same state as your ex... crying day after day... wishing him back.. and part of me still does.. but it takes time. I invite you to read my post and if you need to talk, please let me know.> Greetings all I stumbled across this website and thought it would be a good place to look for guidance. I have just turned 24. I had a younger girlfriend and we fell deeply in love, however she always seemed more in love than me, and I guess I started taking it for granted.
> We ended up being together for 2 years, and some of those times were by far the greatest of my life. This was both of our first long term relationships, and we were basically each others first lovers as well. We formed a bond greater than I imagined possible, and I loved and still do love her more dearly than anyone on this earth.
>
> Now, let me tell you first the circumstances of how we broke up. We were together for 2 years but and at the end we had been living together for about 8 months, but I was about to move out on my own again. I had been feeling a build up for a few months, that something was wrong, that I needed to get away from the relationship. I knew I had some issues too which needed working on, to make my love comparable to hers. She was so pure and honest and totally loving and devoted, while I was still cynical in ways and did not fully understand or appreciate what a wonderful gift I had. I realized this and it made me feel really guilty, so I ended up asking her if we could take some time apart. I told her I had some issues I had to work on and I needed to be alone.
>
> I moved out and a month or so passed with me rarely talking to her. Deep down i still loved her with all my heart , but I did not want to string her along while I was unsure of my state. Meanwhile she was devastated (far worse than I knew at the time) and cried her eyes out for a month. Then, as she later told me, she had her last cry. She was done and over me.
> However the story did not end there...
>
> About a month after I moved out, she told me she wanted to come see me, because some fellow had asked her out, and she wanted to see if she still had feelings for me. This caused a lot of jealousy in me, and all of a sudden it hit me.. what the hell am I doing? I realized I was going about things all wrong and that I really did feel she's my soul mate. She came over and we ended up making love and talking deeply all night. The next night she invited me over to her place, and she initiated making love again. I was as happy as a bumblebee, determined that the month apart had really done good for me.. I now realized how precious she was and that I now knew how to express to her how grateful I was and how much I loved her.
>
> Then 2 days later, on my birthday, she calls me at work, and tells me 'Im sorry it felt wrong, I have no romantic feelings for you anymore. Its over, Im sorry'. This was a total shock to me and I was shaken to the core. I did not sleep for 3 days after this and my despair and crying was so great I thought now and then of ending it all just to escape this nightmare. Now that I felt I had matured, and really appreciated and was ready to love her with my all, she was now shunning me and there is nothing I can do.
>
> About 2 weeks later and she is now referring to the guy was interested as her 'boyfriend'. Apparently they are together now and he is even spending nights over there which makes me want to vomit. This is a woman who claimed over and over that we were soul mates, that she would love me forever, and did not want anyone else. Then 2 weeks after making love to me she has already moved on, and can make love to this guy without even thinking about me. I have talked to and cried to her many times and she is totally adamant, that she has zero romantic interest anymore and that I need to 'move on'.
>
> Now it has been about 3 weeks total since my birthday, and I am not getting any better.. in fact my love for her seems to keep growing, along with my regret. She is easily the most amazing person I have met, and I honestly would have married her some day. I still feel like we are soul mates even though that is definitely a one-sided feeling now. I can barely sleep anymore, every time I wake up I am hit with this horrible sadness and regret and just start crying looking at her picture. We had so many amazing times and I think our possibilites for our love were beyond imagination. It felt like no mater what the darkness in the world , or the hardships of our lives, our love would shine through it all. Now it all rings hollow, and feels like a lie. Her moving on so quickly is evidence enough of that.
> I realized I handled myself somewhat immaturely, by pushing her away and not realizing what I was doing to her. I foolishly thought her vows of true love forever were genuine and that I could count on her to be there and have faith in me during my struggles. Instead, I am already just a 'pleasant memory' to her, and all I have to show of the greatest 2 years of my life is some photographs and love letters full of lies.
>
> Life without her seems so dim and bleak, every time I think of her smile I start crying. I just ask myself why God did things have to turn out like this? I was just doing what I thought was right and I ended up losing my greatest love.
> Now every night I feel so alone missing my dear love next to me, and eveyr day remembering another memory that is just blurry and fading now.
>
> I really wish I could get over this and be happy again, but my regret and sadness just seem to grow more and more as time makes it increasingly final. If anyone has any advice for me besides 'give it time' I would love to hear it.
> I feel like the greatest thing I had in life is now totally lost, and never even was as awesome as I imagined, or it couldnt have been extinguished so easily. I feel very hopeless and
> I have trouble eating and sleeping. I have tried going out with friends and its no fun, I just mope and wish to be home in bed crying.
Posted by ValerieF on October 29, 2003, at 12:58:34
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
Sorry.... I had the name wrong... I wrote Jay instead of Jeff...
Posted by jeff g on October 31, 2003, at 0:29:05
In reply to Re: I know » jeff g, posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 14:56:23
Thanks for all your advice Susan, youre a very kind person. I realize I pretty much screwed things up by asking her for time apart, and I made some other mistakes while we lived together. I did not give her love what it deserved so now she seeks something new and not messed up like me. I guess I just have to start getting used to waking up every day knowing the greatest love of my life is gone forever.
Posted by jeff g on October 31, 2003, at 10:42:54
In reply to Re: I know, posted by jeff g on October 31, 2003, at 0:29:05
well i talked to her this morning online, and basically I think she is already having sex with this guy shes been seeing for about 3 weeks. She tells me now, that 'sex is good, it is how you show you like/love someone'. I told her I really hope shes not having sex with her new guy already and she evaded the question. From the tone of the conversation and what she said, I am pretty sure its going on. Everyone I've talked to says shes making a bad decision getting in another relationship only a month or so after being in a 2 year, live together first love. Now shes having sex with him and shes not even in love with him.. what happened to that sweet, innocent seeming person I fell in love with. Oh well as disturbing as this is maybe now I can really just get over it...
Posted by ValerieF on October 31, 2003, at 11:00:57
In reply to Re: I know, posted by jeff g on October 31, 2003, at 10:42:54
HI Jeff...
I completely understand what you are going through and the feelings that you are having are the same as mine. I wonder what my ex is doing and if he is over me and what girls he is looking at and where he is... I know that this is the hardest thing, but you HAVE TO try and move on. I believe this girl is trying to make you jealous by telling you what she is doing. However, do not jump to conclusions... it is only going to make you more depressed and anxious...believe me, I know because that's how I am feeling. I trully feel that you should give yourself and your ex space. If things are meant to be, then they will be in the future, but it's important to have the time to heal and focus. Use this past relationship as a learning experience. I read in your post that you took her love for granted... now you should realize that when you get into another relationship to not take someones love for granted. YOU WILL find someone that will love you even more than this girl and when you do, you will not have a break up to realize how much YOU Love that person. Things happen for a reason and maybe this reason was to allow you to find someone better. Break ups are hard and I am going through the same... It has been a month since I broke up with my ex boyfriend, but time heals. Keep busy... go out with your friends.. force yourself too. If this is really painful, I suggest you seek out a therapist and help yourself in dealing with your pain.
Posted by Susan J on October 31, 2003, at 11:06:08
In reply to Re: I know, posted by jeff g on October 31, 2003, at 10:42:54
Hey, Jeff,
>>I told her I really hope shes not having sex with her new guy already and she evaded the question. From the tone of the conversation and what she said, I am pretty sure its going on.
<<I know it hurts. And for so many different reasons. Trust me. I'm 36 and when *I* broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because I did not love him anymore, when he got into a new relationship and I knew he was sleeping with her, it still hurt. Even though I didn't want to be with him.>> Everyone I've talked to says shes making a bad decision getting in another relationship only a month or so after being in a 2 year, live together first love.
<< It may be a bad decision. She's young and will experiment like this. If she does not do some self-exploration and growth, though, it won't matter how many or how few partners she's had, she'll not be in a position to be a good healthy partner. Not for you, or anyone else.>>maybe now I can really just get over it...
<<Sometimes stuff like this helps you break away. I've always found that anger is an enabling emotion for me, while grief just devastates me.Thinking of ya,
Susan
Posted by Susan J on October 31, 2003, at 11:08:12
In reply to Re: I know, posted by ValerieF on October 31, 2003, at 11:00:57
Hey, Jeff,
Valerie might be right. Your ex might be trying to make you jealous to fill some sort of self-esteem need of her own. Not saying she's trying to be cruel or anything. It's just that she might be getting her affirmations at your expense.
Susan
Posted by jeff g on November 7, 2003, at 22:12:04
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
hey guys.. its now been six weeks since the breakup. I am still totally in love with her, and crying frequently. She is almost always on my mind, but I am really doubting now that she will ever want me back. I can't believe something so amazing could just die like this and there's nothing I can do. I wish I could just get over her or get back together with her, instead of this hellish limbo. I feel like a fool in denial for trying to hold on to hope, but she is so important to me, and only months ago she swore to be my soul mate, and that she wanted to marry me etc... how could her feelings change so suddenly and completely? I am really in despair when I think there is no hope for ever saving things. How can I get past this horrible regret and sadness??
Posted by ValerieF on November 10, 2003, at 8:39:26
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on November 7, 2003, at 22:12:04
Hi Jeff,
Believe me, I really feel for you... I know that this is hard. When my ex broke up with me, I thought the same things: "how could these feelings change all of a sudden", "how could he tell me one minute that we should go away together and in the same night break it off"... I thought the same things and I still do sometimes. I feel like I was the one who did something wrong. Something that helps me is to get a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of the relationship.... honestly! Try to think about things that made you upset with her or the relationship... Do you see a therapist. I see one and they can help you overcome your sorrow. When my break up happenned, I was miserable... I couldn't eat or sleep.. I just wanted to be alone... cried constantly... I wouldn't want to see anyone and started falling into a deeper depression.... My friends literally had to force me to do things. Even going to the mall was difficult because when I would buy something I would always think if my boyfriend would like it and I couldn't do that anymore. But each day got easier. It has been about 7 weeks since our break up... and I am better. Try to stay busy and get yourself in a routine. Do something that you used to enjoy before you met this girl. In our lives, there is a plan for us... and if you think on the positive side... you will probably find someone that you are trully head over heels for and will always be from day one. Accept the sorrow and feel what you are feeling. Without hurt and sorrow there wouldn't be any compassion!
Posted by Susan J on November 10, 2003, at 13:52:46
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on November 7, 2003, at 22:12:04
Hey, sorry it still hurts a lot. If you are not already seeing a therapist, I strongly suggest seeing one. They can help you with your grief...
And usually there are free ones, or close to free, on campus. Not saying they are all great, but it's worth looking into...
And it might do you some good to cut ALL contact off from her until you can get some distance from your feelings...
Good luck.
Susan
Posted by EmilyUK on November 25, 2003, at 6:47:51
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
Hi Jeff,
I am new to this site, and I was driven here by the same reasons as you a few months ago. I have just split up with my boyfriend after 5 years. He was my first long term relatinship but not the first, although nothing ever hurt like this before.
I am having trouble holding on to my sanity as you will see from my main post "What do i do now? (rhetorical)" i have to fill my mind with other stuff and keep doing things all the time. I cant even watch some tv incase it sets me off crying. and whats worse is i have nowhere else to live but wth him for the time being so the torutre is there all the time. But i am scared to move out as I wont be near him.
is there anything you have learned that could help me as i start to go through what you have been through? I would really appreciate some advice, even though i have read everyones replies to your original post, i still dont feel that much better.
I feel like my world is collapsing.
Emily
Posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:43:16
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
I'm sorry for your suffering, and all the advice is very good. I want to add one thing about the "soulmates" concept. I really truly do not believe there is just one person out there for each of us. My aunt and uncle were a great couple for 50 years, then he died. She met someone else, remarried, and they've been happy for about 15 years now. It in no way diminishes the love my aunt and uncle had, she was just able to move on. I often think if I grew up somewhere else, I would have dated different people and married someone other than my husband, and would have thought that was the right person for me. I think there are many opportunities to love out there. It's not easy to find it, but I believe we are compatable with many different people and it is just chance that brings us together. You might meet someone else great when you least expect it.
Posted by steviegirl on January 4, 2004, at 0:56:21
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by LostGirl on December 4, 2003, at 12:43:16
i totally understand where you are right now.My ex fiance and i broke up around 18months ago and we had three kids together.I feel exactly how you do as my ex promised me everything your ex promised you.when we broke up it was only meant to be for a little while to sort myself out as i had pnd(post natal depression),i didnt intiate the breakup,he did.It tore my heart in two and to this day,i still cry because i love him so much and it really hurts.xmas 2002 he promised we could try again in a while and then he went and got a girlfriend in feb 03,they are still together and i wonder how long rebounds take to fall apart.I cant offer advise because i dont know what to say,but i wanted to offer you my support.
Posted by dave m on January 4, 2004, at 4:08:36
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
Hey Jeff,
It seems like you've been dealing with this for a while so you may not need this advice and have already moved on. You and I sound like we have something in common. She broke up with me around my b-day, around the same time in '03. I didn't live with my ex and I don't think she is seeing anyone.
It sounds like you just gotta let go, as hard as it is. Its like ripping off a bandaid, you got to do it fast and quick. Here's what you do:
1. Get rid of all the stuff that reminds you of her, pics, momentos, throw them away or put them in a place where you won't go look at them.
2. Dont talk to her. Doing that will give you false hope and/or you torture yourself by hearing about her new sex life. Make one last call and tell her that "you hope she is happy and wish he the best of luck", even if it isn't true, and say that you think its best to not speak to her for a while. Not for a few months at least. This will show her that you still have your pride.
3. This may sound masagonistic, but go do something "manly" or anything that will keep you busy. Lift weights, go climb something, hit some balls at the batting cage. Doing that will clear your head.
4. Hang out with the boys. If you don't have any male friends then get some. Hanging out with your family can help too. Go on a road trip. This will keep you from moping a round the house and you will have something else to think about.
Hope this hels from on guy to another.
Posted by T. S. Evilsizer on January 29, 2004, at 14:01:03
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by dave m on January 4, 2004, at 4:08:36
I honestly think many of us have done the same exact things in our past. My ex and I got together 9 years ago this past November. The first few months we were wrapped up in love and lust like I had never known. We decided to move out of the Navy barracks and into a regular apartment. She had had a daughter by a previous boyfriend, and we wanted to bring her daughter up to live with us. After about 2 years of being together, I started having concerns that I didn't have as deep of feelings for her as she had for me. I wasn't the type to call her every chance I had, to think of nothing else but spendng time with her. During our relationship up to that point we had had times that were rather rocky. At this point however, she was so dedicated to everything about me it seemed. I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't get out of bed one morning. I just kept thinking about my doubts and how I needed to tell her about them. I felt so strongly that I needed just a little time to find out what I was sure of wanting. I told her about my feelings and broke up with her that morning.
I moved in from some friends of mine from my ship. She would call constantly & come over. It felt like she was refusing to give me the time I needed. I really didn't see how much her heart was breaking. Finally after me asking her for 2 weeks to just give me a few days of thought without interuption, she left me alone.
She and one of my friends that I was staying with were very interested in each other. On the third week, I started telling them that they should go out on a date while I did my thinking. I wanted her not to suffer because of my insecurities anymore. If she had a chance to find new happiness, I wanted her to take it.
The next week I woke up and he wasn't home. It wasn't like him not to be there at this time of day. All of a sudden my mind started being filled with thoughts of them together. I had expected at least to know that they were going out on a date or something. I drove over to our house and saw his car in the driveway. I looked through our bedroom window and saw them having sex. My heart was crushed, but I had done it all to myself. I called her later that night after he had come home and gone to bed. We decided it was time for me to come over and talk. I told her what I had seen and we went through everything that had led up to this point. We were still in love we found, but she didn't trust me unconditionally anymore. She had believed that we would always be together and I had taken that away from her.
We got back together. Stayed together and finally got married on December 21st, 2002. We had bought a game called Everquest and started playing it. We took turns on the computer because we only had one computer at the time. In July, she told me that she had fallen in love with this guy that she plays with. They had stayed up all night and fallen in love. Prior to this, I had stopped playing the game because I had seen that we no longer spent much time together. Thinking me stopping would give us more time I had stopped playing. Instead she had stayed on more. She said that she hadn't really loved me in the past 7 years since I had left. She had hoped that it would get better with time. Even married me hoping that she could feel that way again. I was devastated to find out that she hadn't even been in love with me when we got married. I realized that she hadn't worn her wedding ring on the right finger since the day after we had gotten married. Saying that it was a size issue, yet everytime I asked her if she wanted it resized, she would say not today. She had never wanted to change her name, which was fine, not a requirement for me to love someone. I drank myself into a stupid state that night and fell to pieces. I felf so sick the next day, I couldn't go to work. She had decided to leave at te end of the week since she would have to wait for payday to buy her plane ticket. I lost 10 pounds that week. I couldn't eat or sleep. I didn't know how to or want to function at all. Our daughter was in Georgia visting her grandparents at the time. The one thing I was happy for.
I took her to the airport and watched her walk through the gates out of my life. I saw her start to turn to wave a final goodbye. I walked away without acknowledging that I knew she wanted that final wave. This wasn't a happy farewell for me.
I was alone now after years of having a family to take care of. It was so dead quiet. I also had to hurry and get out of our apartment. I couldn't afford it by myself. Everything that I had wanted and trusted for so long was no more. My life had left me, and honestly, I didn't want to live anymore. I hated feeling so bad. I blamed myself for everything. In my mind I deserved to be so miserable. I couldn't stop hurting and basically had a mental breakdown. I continued working. When I would feel like it was getting to much for me to think, I would take a 15 minute break and write a poem or something about my feelings. I would come back to my desk and just put them on poetry.com. It became a way for me to store my feelings without storing them in my mind. It was almost like letting them go.
I would call her up as often as possible and try to be the friend. Having hopes that this guy she had met on the internet wouldn't be everything she expected. I would be there to help her through the breakup and she would fall in love with me again. She kept telling me how happy she was. It always hurt so much to hear that.
It's now the end of January. I've seen a few girls. I haven't really found anyone new. I've found someone that I love as my friend and realized that that's where my next relationship needs to start. She's currently my best friend going through her own breakup right now in fact. We've actually got a little group of broken hearts now it seems having another friend going through a horrible breakup also. I went to Georgia to see my daughter for Christmas and the ex was there with her boyfriend. They were all over each other. It made me realize how happy she really is. It also made me realize how little she cared for my feelings at that point. I'm now over it.
My whole point in telling you all of this is that you really cannot go back to how things were. If you get back together with someone, you both cannot look for what you once had. Make something new and better. My point of view is once you've broken up, no matter how much it hurts, neer go back. You had a reason to leave and you'll never believe that one or both of you won't leave again. I felt like I had wasted 9 years of my life being with her at first. Now I realize that I had nine years of being with someone that I had loved. I'm thankfull for that now. I have a beautiful daughter that calls me dad. I have a family that has changed from calling me son-in-law to son. My life will never be what it was and I still miss it so much. I still feel lonely every night when I go to sleep. Then lonely when I wake up the next day. Life can never be what it once was, we must stop living in our pasts. If our future is ever going to have happiness in it, we have to live. We must move forward and create new lives for ourselves. The past must fall into being a memory, not continue being our present. Not being something that we're looking for again. We'll all find love again, at least I hope so. It has to be different. Don't try to repeat what we once had. Make it something new and so much better. It'll hurt for awhile. Not forever, that I can promise. It will fade, it's just not an instant type of thing though. it takes time to go fade into the past. Just stay strong. Because you will be happy again.
Posted by ValerieF on January 29, 2004, at 14:26:52
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by T. S. Evilsizer on January 29, 2004, at 14:01:03
Wow... that was amazing. I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I have moved one to someone new... however what you wrote was so true and gave me a lot of insight.
> I honestly think many of us have done the same exact things in our past. My ex and I got together 9 years ago this past November. The first few months we were wrapped up in love and lust like I had never known. We decided to move out of the Navy barracks and into a regular apartment. She had had a daughter by a previous boyfriend, and we wanted to bring her daughter up to live with us. After about 2 years of being together, I started having concerns that I didn't have as deep of feelings for her as she had for me. I wasn't the type to call her every chance I had, to think of nothing else but spendng time with her. During our relationship up to that point we had had times that were rather rocky. At this point however, she was so dedicated to everything about me it seemed. I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't get out of bed one morning. I just kept thinking about my doubts and how I needed to tell her about them. I felt so strongly that I needed just a little time to find out what I was sure of wanting. I told her about my feelings and broke up with her that morning.
> I moved in from some friends of mine from my ship. She would call constantly & come over. It felt like she was refusing to give me the time I needed. I really didn't see how much her heart was breaking. Finally after me asking her for 2 weeks to just give me a few days of thought without interuption, she left me alone.
> She and one of my friends that I was staying with were very interested in each other. On the third week, I started telling them that they should go out on a date while I did my thinking. I wanted her not to suffer because of my insecurities anymore. If she had a chance to find new happiness, I wanted her to take it.
> The next week I woke up and he wasn't home. It wasn't like him not to be there at this time of day. All of a sudden my mind started being filled with thoughts of them together. I had expected at least to know that they were going out on a date or something. I drove over to our house and saw his car in the driveway. I looked through our bedroom window and saw them having sex. My heart was crushed, but I had done it all to myself. I called her later that night after he had come home and gone to bed. We decided it was time for me to come over and talk. I told her what I had seen and we went through everything that had led up to this point. We were still in love we found, but she didn't trust me unconditionally anymore. She had believed that we would always be together and I had taken that away from her.
> We got back together. Stayed together and finally got married on December 21st, 2002. We had bought a game called Everquest and started playing it. We took turns on the computer because we only had one computer at the time. In July, she told me that she had fallen in love with this guy that she plays with. They had stayed up all night and fallen in love. Prior to this, I had stopped playing the game because I had seen that we no longer spent much time together. Thinking me stopping would give us more time I had stopped playing. Instead she had stayed on more. She said that she hadn't really loved me in the past 7 years since I had left. She had hoped that it would get better with time. Even married me hoping that she could feel that way again. I was devastated to find out that she hadn't even been in love with me when we got married. I realized that she hadn't worn her wedding ring on the right finger since the day after we had gotten married. Saying that it was a size issue, yet everytime I asked her if she wanted it resized, she would say not today. She had never wanted to change her name, which was fine, not a requirement for me to love someone. I drank myself into a stupid state that night and fell to pieces. I felf so sick the next day, I couldn't go to work. She had decided to leave at te end of the week since she would have to wait for payday to buy her plane ticket. I lost 10 pounds that week. I couldn't eat or sleep. I didn't know how to or want to function at all. Our daughter was in Georgia visting her grandparents at the time. The one thing I was happy for.
> I took her to the airport and watched her walk through the gates out of my life. I saw her start to turn to wave a final goodbye. I walked away without acknowledging that I knew she wanted that final wave. This wasn't a happy farewell for me.
> I was alone now after years of having a family to take care of. It was so dead quiet. I also had to hurry and get out of our apartment. I couldn't afford it by myself. Everything that I had wanted and trusted for so long was no more. My life had left me, and honestly, I didn't want to live anymore. I hated feeling so bad. I blamed myself for everything. In my mind I deserved to be so miserable. I couldn't stop hurting and basically had a mental breakdown. I continued working. When I would feel like it was getting to much for me to think, I would take a 15 minute break and write a poem or something about my feelings. I would come back to my desk and just put them on poetry.com. It became a way for me to store my feelings without storing them in my mind. It was almost like letting them go.
> I would call her up as often as possible and try to be the friend. Having hopes that this guy she had met on the internet wouldn't be everything she expected. I would be there to help her through the breakup and she would fall in love with me again. She kept telling me how happy she was. It always hurt so much to hear that.
> It's now the end of January. I've seen a few girls. I haven't really found anyone new. I've found someone that I love as my friend and realized that that's where my next relationship needs to start. She's currently my best friend going through her own breakup right now in fact. We've actually got a little group of broken hearts now it seems having another friend going through a horrible breakup also. I went to Georgia to see my daughter for Christmas and the ex was there with her boyfriend. They were all over each other. It made me realize how happy she really is. It also made me realize how little she cared for my feelings at that point. I'm now over it.
> My whole point in telling you all of this is that you really cannot go back to how things were. If you get back together with someone, you both cannot look for what you once had. Make something new and better. My point of view is once you've broken up, no matter how much it hurts, neer go back. You had a reason to leave and you'll never believe that one or both of you won't leave again. I felt like I had wasted 9 years of my life being with her at first. Now I realize that I had nine years of being with someone that I had loved. I'm thankfull for that now. I have a beautiful daughter that calls me dad. I have a family that has changed from calling me son-in-law to son. My life will never be what it was and I still miss it so much. I still feel lonely every night when I go to sleep. Then lonely when I wake up the next day. Life can never be what it once was, we must stop living in our pasts. If our future is ever going to have happiness in it, we have to live. We must move forward and create new lives for ourselves. The past must fall into being a memory, not continue being our present. Not being something that we're looking for again. We'll all find love again, at least I hope so. It has to be different. Don't try to repeat what we once had. Make it something new and so much better. It'll hurt for awhile. Not forever, that I can promise. It will fade, it's just not an instant type of thing though. it takes time to go fade into the past. Just stay strong. Because you will be happy again.
Posted by davie on March 8, 2004, at 17:47:23
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by T. S. Evilsizer on January 29, 2004, at 14:01:03
wow, thank you all for posting your past experiences, i'm 18 and have had been with my gf for 5 months...greatly due to my insecurities, and my "macho" attitude (not showing how i really felt about her), and telling her that i couldn trust her, our relationship fell apart and she broke up with me, it's been over a month (the first month was the worst) and i try to keep myself occupied, but sometimes, i fall back into the regretting and clinging onto hope stages, she has a new boyfriend now, and i realize that i cannot do anything about it, and i do not want to interfere with their relationship, i realize now, now that it is too late, that i loved her, and still do love her, thank you very much for reaffirming the notion that i'm not the only one that experiences these burdening feelings...always working to let go...thank you
davie
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