Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 14:54:17
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 18, 2003, at 10:23:26
Hi, Jeff,
> Still, I really know that she is the only one I want. In your experience can people in such a situation ever regain that love?
<<I think you are feeling stuff very similar to what I've felt in prior breakups. Not sure, since I don't know you, but that's the vibe I get.There is a difference between the pain of losing someone,dying to get them back, and the pain of losing someone you truly love. Most of my breakups I wanted the guy back desperately. After getting some time and distance, I got perspective, and saw it was all about nursing my killed ego, wanting to be loved, being lonely, trying to win back someone who left me and all that. To get really psychoanalytical, I never had my father's love. Getting a man and trying to keep him was about succeeding at getting male love when I had obviously failed to do it with my father. I say this only to make you think whether you've got a similar pattern going on.
There was one relationship, however, where I discovered I truly did love the other person. Love, in its best form, is very unselfish. And the loss of that relationship hurt very much, but in the end, I *truly* honestly and completely wanted him to be happy, even if that meant he'd never be with me again. *That's* when I knew it had been real love.
If you *truly* unselfishly love your ex, then you will want her to be happy even if it means she is with another man. There is a certain peace that overcomes you when you realize this.
But your question, can two people ever regain that love? Yes. *I* never have, but I've seen it happen. And the two of you are young. But I don't want you to pin your hopes on this. It is so crucial that you nurture yourself, learn to grow, mature, honor your individuality. And let her do the same. In time, after the horrific pain is at least lessened, perhaps you can be friends again. If you or she has very little experience dating others, then I think dating other people right now is good for both of you. You learn what you like, what you don't, what you need, what you can't stand. Do you need space, and if so, how much? Do you need closeness, and if so, how much? And is your partner compatible with those needs?
You need to love yourself even more than you want her back. And you have to see if you love her enough to let her pursue what makes her the happiest....
>>I feel like she couldn't possibly have really stopped loving me, not as strongly as she loved me.
<<I don't know what the answer is here. Sometimes, if a person loves *so* much, she has lost sight of herself. And perhaps that's why she needed the break from you. She needs to find herself. She needs to know who she is as an individual before she can be part of a couple.
She may seem perfect in your eyes right now. That is totally normal. But she may have emotional issues of her own, may have immaturity issues she needs to work on before she can be a good partner for you or anyone else. Sometimes you just *can't* work through those issues when you are in a relationship, *especially* when you don't have that much relationship experience.
>>I realize so many things now,
<<This is great. I know it hurts so much, but you have learned and will continue to learn from this relationship. If you are honest with yourself, you will be a better partner for the next person who comes along, or if the two of you get back together, you will be a better partner to her. But, you should demand that she be a better partner for you, too. She should have learned from this situation, too.>> and more than anything in the world I want another chance some day to really be a great soul mate with her, and really let her know this time how much I love and appreciate her.
<<Do you talk to her at all now? Has she asked you not to contact her? If there are lines of communication open, why don't you write her a letter that says that? But only do this if your intention is to reaffirm your love for her and your appreciation of her. Tell her what lessons you've learned... *Don't* do it if your underlying motive is to get her back.Tell her you love her, are grateful for your time with her, and all you learned and loved. You've learned a lot since then and want another chance with her. Tell her it's all up to her (because it really is), but if she'd like to try again, you'd like to as well. But if not, that you hope she is happy in life (and truly mean that). And that you will go on with yours. And then do it.
I personally have had the experience where I've felt so attached, so drawn to a person, I thought I couldn't breathe again if he weren't in my life. It's happened twice. We tried again, several months later, and it all fell apart. The good stuff I remembered wasn't anywhere near as good, and the bad stuff was there just like before.
I'm sorry you hurt so bad. I've been there, and it's horrible. When I broke up with my exboyfriend a couple of years ago, he was devastated, and he went to counseling. It really helped him a lot. Perhaps that's something you can look into.
My thoughts are with you,
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:269576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/270593.html