Posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 15:57:55
In reply to Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help, posted by jeff g on October 15, 2003, at 3:13:59
Hi,
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you are still looking at this website, although I can't say how much help I'll be.
But I've been there. Several times. And the first *real* breakup is always the hardest. One of the hardest parts that causes so much pain is the loss of your dreams of the future. Sometimes that loss hurts more than the actual day-to-day loss of your significant other.
One of the things I try to do when I break up with someone or they break up with me is to go over the relationship and focus on what *wasn't* working. Believe it or not, there *were* reasons you were feeling restless, and had to move out. There *were* problems there. Now, whether they were inconquerable or not, who's to say? At this time in your life, those problems were too big.
Also, right after you break up with someone you really loved, you tend to look back on the relationship and romanticize it. You keep remembering all the great things, and that makes you miss that person even more. Now is the time to nurture yourself, to love yourself, to go out and find new things to do, to avoid romantic songs on the radio like the plague.
I had a guy absolutely break my heart so bad I thought I was going to die. My brother told me the same thing I'm telling you. There was a *reason* you stepped back (I had initially stepped back, too). Trust your gut on that *reason.* You are still very young and still figuring out who you are. And often, even though two people are absolutely wonderful human beings, being together impedes a person from getting to know himself, from growing. You probably *did* need space. Honor that.
Don't take your ex's immediately attachment to someone else personally. She might be enjoying the newness of a crush, but even a crush's highs cannot compare to the wonder of true, longlasting love. The two of you had something special. No matter what you think or fear, she's not experiencing that type of emotional intimacy with this new guy. It's a rebound thing. Will it develop into more? Only time will tell. But you have no control over her and her life. You need to focus on you. Love yourself when you feel like no one else is loving you.
You were capable of feeling deep, intimate love once. I've known some people who've never been capable of that, and they are the ones I feel sorry for. You will, in time, find that again.
Surround yourself with friends, go to funny movies or comedy clubs. Get new routines that don't remind you of her. Yes, it will take time, even though I know that's not the answer you want. But you are strong and you will survive. Be honest and face the feelings you have now, even if they hurt. If you do that, you will heal truly and fully.
Lean on your friends and your loved ones right now. And you can always come back and visit us.
You're in my thoughts, take care,
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:269576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/270301.html