Posted by jeff g on October 18, 2003, at 20:15:55
In reply to Re: Feeling so Much pain over Breakup.. please help » jeff g, posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 14:54:17
hey Susan thanks for responding..
> There is a difference between the pain of losing someone,dying to get them back, and the pain of losing someone you truly love. Most of my breakups I wanted the guy back desperately. After getting some time and distance, I got perspective, and saw it was all about nursing my killed ego, wanting to be loved, being lonely, trying to win back someone who left me and all that. To get really psychoanalytical, I never had my father's love. Getting a man and trying to keep him was about succeeding at getting male love when I had obviously failed to do it with my father. I say this only to make you think whether you've got a similar pattern going on.
>Yeah I see what you're talking about here and it probably looks like that from the outside. I think though that I really just love her with all my heart and I miss her so terribly. I always loved her so but was not the best at showing it consistently.. growing up in a really messed up family I never really was comfortable with showing love and how I really felt. I think what youre talking about may be playing a part to some extent, I hope not too much. My love is very real though and even if she is not with me, as terrible as it hurts, I still want her to be so happy and living her life.
> You need to love yourself even more than you want her back. And you have to see if you love her enough to let her pursue what makes her the happiest....
>I am giving her time right now even though each day without her feels like a week.. she is out having fun and I am glad for that. I just wish I could be making her happy also, because I once did and now I could do even much more.
>
<Sometimes, if a person loves *so* much, she has lost sight of herself. And perhaps that's why she needed the break from you. She needs to find herself. She needs to know who she is as an individual before she can be part of a couple.
>I understand this, we got together when she was 16. It seemed like she dropped a lot of the things she was into while we were together, I did the same. Its almost like we were sometimes afraid to be ourselves fully around each other.
<<Do you talk to her at all now? Has she asked you not to contact her? If there are lines of communication open, why don't you write her a letter that says that? But only do this if your intention is to reaffirm your love for her and your appreciation of her. Tell her what lessons you've learned... *Don't* do it if your underlying motive is to get her back. >>Yes we talk a bit on the phone though we are taking some distance right now cause I keep getting too upset. She definitely wants to be friends and still cares about me greatly. Lines of communication are open and I'd love to express to her so much of how I apprecaite her, but i DO want her back. I dont want to tell her these things solely to get her back, because I dont think thats happening anytime in near future. However I see how I subtly hurt her in ways and I really want her to know how awesome I think she is.
>
> I'm sorry you hurt so bad. I've been there, and it's horrible. When I broke up with my exboyfriend a couple of years ago, he was devastated, and he went to counseling. It really helped him a lot. Perhaps that's something you can look into.
>
I may have to take that road if things don't ease up. I feel like I am haunted by her ghost, and I also feel so much sadness and regret for things going astray like this. I love her more than anyone and she loved me like I never imagined someone would. I also just think she is so awesome of a person and beautiful. Its too bad I couldnt express this freely until the pain of loss, now it probably just seems like you said above, that I am just reeling ego right now trying to get her back for my ego's sake or loneliness. But I could get another girlfriend pretty easily, thers lots of great girls out there. The thing is, I dont have any interest in someone else, I realize now that despite a few issues, and the issue of age and maturity, I still feel in my heart like its right, that our love was truly special and should not be given up on.
> My thoughts are with you,
>
> Susan
>Thank you so much for taking time with me. I never thought I'd be so distraught over a relationship but this is the hardest thing Ive ever gone through.
>
poster:jeff g
thread:269576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/270681.html