Posted by karen_kay on November 20, 2003, at 12:30:44
In reply to Re: what do you mean? » karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on November 20, 2003, at 12:09:33
> Ok, this is totally the pot calling the kettle black, BUT -- when you script the session aren't you then avoiding what might be hard. Even talking about that you do that, takes up time and avoids the "why" question. Of course you want to control things: why?
>Because growing up I Never had control. I have to have control now or I fall apart. Right now during therapy, he gives me control and it is working. He lets me lead the sessions. And this has led to me remembering things from my childhood, being less resistant (and let me tell you, I am the Queen of Restistance!), and progress in general. I think though, that since I was so honest last session, I might want to reexamine our routine and let him drive. No harm in letting him be on top every once in a while.
I think that letting me be in control for a while showed me that I could trust him. It was a power struggle of sorts and it really showed me that he didn't mind letting me lead us for a while. I really appreciate him for doing that, but I think this is something that we will definetly talk about next session. Your point is well taken hun! But, it was important for me to know that I could trust him to let me have control for a while and test the water, so to speak.
> You are essentially practicing your emotional response before you get there. You are being honest about your actions but are looking for the "correct" feeling(s) -- Like you said, you just want to please him: why?:( I CANNOT believe I am telling you this... I should print this out... Because I have decided that I don't don't deserve to be happy (I had a rough childhood, basically severely abused by both parents in different ways and decided that I must be a bad person). My best bet is to try to make everyone else happy. I want to be what everyone else wants me to be.
Are you pleasing yourself?
Ummmm....see aboveHow scary is spontaneous for you? (scares me to death!)
I'm spontaneous to a point, but only when it serves its purpose. Well, I guess I am impulsive. Too, impulsive.And, how much of your REAL life aren't you living if your head is *always* in session?
>It isn't always in session. My biggest problem is that I am not very good at anticipating what he'll say. So, I become resistant and just don't talk because I don't know what he wants me to say.
> It is so hard, isn't it? I really thought 6 months ago if I could get to the "aha!" then I would suddenly feel better. Understanding and intellectualizing has always worked before. My Therapist keeps encouraging me to stop thinking of it in terms of "fixing" but instead to try to use the word "healing". It is hard because I feel broken. He calls me wounded. I feel immature and ridiculous half the time. He considers that progress. Ugh.
>I too feel immature and I really hate that feeling. I want to be a woman, not a little girl. Soemtimes I think it is better to say nothing than to say something stupid or something wrong.
> I'll say it again: you were/are amazingly brave to have been so honest. Now, go the next step and don't practice how you should feel. Just feel. Easier said than done, don't I know.>I'm just afraid that sometimes I don't really feel anything. I've really pushed my emotions deep inside that I almost don't feel them anymore. Is that possible?
Karen
poster:karen_kay
thread:281378
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031114/msgs/281670.html