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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 3:26:15
ugh, this is entirely my own fault. I accepted a social invitation that I'm dreading. it's a friend I'm not that close to, and I really dont' like her boyfriend at all, and we're all going to the art museum tomorrow and out for lunch. I used to be fairly good at saying no to things, but seem to have lost the ability. I even accepted a time that's not convenient for me. plus I don't want to eat in a restaurant at all, since I'm having so much GI trouble from strange food lately.
I know I"m in a state where I'm not going to enjoy this at all. I find myself babbling when I talk to her, because we're not really connecting. And the guy is just plain bitchy. He says the oddest, meanest things, with a big smile on his face.
no wonder i have so little social life. I don't enjoy anyone's company. I dont' know how people do it. everyone I'm around just seems to irritate me, drain me, or offend me.
at least i'll weasel out of the lunch.
Posted by dreamerz on December 27, 2002, at 4:23:01
In reply to social zero, posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 3:26:15
everyone I'm around just seems to irritate me, drain me, or offend me.
Yes I understand..time for a social/friends change Tabbykins.
Posted by dreamerz on December 27, 2002, at 4:25:18
In reply to Re: social zero » Tabitha, posted by dreamerz on December 27, 2002, at 4:23:01
> Yes I understand..time for a social/friends change Tabbykins.
>
Or no social at all if that's what brings contentment
Posted by Greg on December 27, 2002, at 7:32:30
In reply to Re: social zero..., posted by dreamerz on December 27, 2002, at 4:25:18
>
> > Yes I understand..time for a social/friends change Tabbykins.
> >
> Or no social at all if that's what brings contentment
>
>Depending on who you're talking to, face-to-face social interaction can be grossly overrated as a means of communication.
All things being equal, I'd rather have a cat.
Hi dreamer.
Posted by dreamerz on December 27, 2002, at 7:49:47
In reply to Re: social zero... » dreamerz, posted by Greg on December 27, 2002, at 7:32:30
>
> All things being equal, I'd rather have a cat.
>Hello Greg..
..and my cat says 'Meow' to your cat
Posted by Gracie2 on December 27, 2002, at 10:04:14
In reply to social zero, posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 3:26:15
Call her up right now and tell her that you simply can't make it. If you care to explain further (and you don't have to), tell her that you're not feeling well.And don't feel guilty. If she really wants to go to the art museum, she can still go with her boyfriend, and she has time to call up other friends if she wants.
You have to take care of yourself first, you really do.
-Gracie
Posted by mikhail99 on December 27, 2002, at 11:14:42
In reply to social zero, posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 3:26:15
> ugh, this is entirely my own fault. I accepted a social invitation that I'm dreading. it's a friend I'm not that close to, and I really dont' like her boyfriend at all, and we're all going to the art museum tomorrow and out for lunch. I used to be fairly good at saying no to things, but seem to have lost the ability. I even accepted a time that's not convenient for me. plus I don't want to eat in a restaurant at all, since I'm having so much GI trouble from strange food lately.
>
> I know I"m in a state where I'm not going to enjoy this at all. I find myself babbling when I talk to her, because we're not really connecting. And the guy is just plain bitchy. He says the oddest, meanest things, with a big smile on his face.
>
> no wonder i have so little social life. I don't enjoy anyone's company. I dont' know how people do it. everyone I'm around just seems to irritate me, drain me, or offend me.
>
> at least i'll weasel out of the lunch.
Hi Tabitha, you sure described perfectly how hard it can be to do these things! I don't know how people do these things either.If you feel you must keep the engagement, at least at the museum you can wander away from them. It doesn't require a lot of discussion to go to a museum. Then you can tell them you're not feeling well enough for lunch.
And I hope the subject of your post doesn't mean YOU think YOU'RE a social zero! I prefer to think of us social anxiety types as more discerning! :-)
Take care!
Posted by shar on December 27, 2002, at 11:58:42
In reply to Re: social zero, posted by Gracie2 on December 27, 2002, at 10:04:14
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 27, 2002, at 14:29:34
In reply to Tab...what Gracie2 said. (nm), posted by shar on December 27, 2002, at 11:58:42
yeah what they said..
And I don't know if this is your problem or not, but its certainly mine. I tend to catastrophise, oh I'm never going to go out, there is something wrong with me, I'll be alone forever cayse people always ask me why I don't go out, or say "You should go out more"
I can really start thinking it is pathological.
I must be fixed.
Then I realize, there have been people who inspire me to go out, or at least keep in contact, there are things that peak my interest,
its just that these people aren't it.
No damage done if you cancel, you have to force yourself to do enough in life, social things shouldn't be a chore. You've probably told yourself these things anyway but maybe you don't believe them unless someone else validates them.So there, consider me a trip to the external validation department.
Stay home and revel in a good book.
B.T.W you described her boyfriend perfectly.
I'm sure I know the type. Bitchy,pouty sulky, and with this who - knows - where - it - came -from, sense of entitlement. Ewwww
Posted by Dinah on December 27, 2002, at 16:22:10
In reply to Re: Tab...what Gracie2 said. yeah... » shar, posted by Gabbix2 on December 27, 2002, at 14:29:34
You have a way with words, Gabbi. :) I think that's what I'll call my therapist from now on.
Posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 19:20:46
In reply to Re: external validation department » Gabbix2, posted by Dinah on December 27, 2002, at 16:22:10
ignoring everyone's perfectly sound advice, I just decided to grit my teeth and go thru with it. There were a few moments of enjoyment.
I am in some kind of wacky antisocial state-- I had to thread through a lot of crowded areas to reach the museum. Just going within 10 feet of anyone irritated me. Their voices, their cigarettes, their smells. I swear I'm not always such a misanthrope.
Posted by Alara on December 27, 2002, at 21:35:42
In reply to Re: I suffered through it, posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 19:20:46
> ignoring everyone's perfectly sound advice, I just decided to grit my teeth and go thru with it. There were a few moments of enjoyment.
>
> I am in some kind of wacky antisocial state-- I had to thread through a lot of crowded areas to reach the museum. Just going within 10 feet of anyone irritated me. Their voices, their cigarettes, their smells. I swear I'm not always such a misanthrope.Tabitha, it sounds to me as though you made the right decision. You knew what was healthier for you - to go outside of your comfort zone and force yourself to face your fears about being social. I've got to start doing more of that stuff myself. :-) The experience wasn't completely enjoyable but there were `a few moments of enjoyment'. That has got to be a start.
Please stop calling yourself `antisocial'. Substitute the words 'a person who is working on her anxiety about being with other people'.
It's hard to feel enthusiastic about mixing with people when fear rears its ugly head. It doesn't sound as though your companion was the most compatible one either. :-) Consider this as step one. Step two is to continue pushing your boundaries so that you eventually meet the kindred spirits whose company you really will enjoy.
Arggh..I am such a hypocrite. Alara, take some of your own advice for once...
Posted by Tabitha on December 28, 2002, at 2:57:32
In reply to Re: I suffered through it » Tabitha, posted by Alara on December 27, 2002, at 21:35:42
thanks for the support. I honestly don't know what's the healthy option for me socially, saying "no" to unsatisfying relationships, or forcing myself to go out just to counter my isolation. seems like 6 of one, half dozen of the other.
best thing would be to find ways to meet new people, but i've gotten hopeless about that and it feels like all my energy is taken up with mere survival lately.
Posted by Gracie2 on December 28, 2002, at 6:18:55
In reply to Re: I suffered through it » Alara, posted by Tabitha on December 28, 2002, at 2:57:32
The next time someone invites you to do something that you might not be comfortable doing, it's perfectly acceptable to say, "I'll let you know," and even more polite to say, "I can let you know by tomorrow afternoon (or whenever)." This is a simple way to give yourself time to consider your options without feeling "trapped" or coerced into doing something you really don't want to do.Works for me. 8-)
Gracie
Posted by kath on December 28, 2002, at 15:40:29
In reply to Tabitha, next time..., posted by Gracie2 on December 28, 2002, at 6:18:55
What a great idea, Gracie,
Tabitha - is it an option for you to think of something you enjoy doing & find out if there's a group of people doing it?
Sometimes local newspapers have a 'social' column where you can find out "what's happening".
What about getting involved in doing something that you are interested in, or enjoy - maybe even sorta "trick yourself" into going not with the purpose of meeting new people, but with the purpose of doing something a little different - just for the experience of it. After my first husband left me & my self-confidence was as low as mud & I was as lonely as anything, I forced myself to go to a few events. BUT the problem was that I was going TO MEET PEOPLE!!!!! I was too uncomfortable; didn't find anyone I felt comfortable with, etc. On the other hand, if I attended things because I was really somewhat interested in them, it was easier to sort of float into meeting people.
Volunteer work is great for meeting people.
I'm not sure of your situation. The things I mention take some energy, so might not work for you. Hope you don't mind me putting my 2 cents worth in.
Kath :-)
>
> The next time someone invites you to do something that you might not be comfortable doing, it's perfectly acceptable to say, "I'll let you know," and even more polite to say, "I can let you know by tomorrow afternoon (or whenever)." This is a simple way to give yourself time to consider your options without feeling "trapped" or coerced into doing something you really don't want to do.
>
> Works for me. 8-)
> Gracie
Posted by Alara on December 29, 2002, at 1:22:50
In reply to Re: Tabitha, next time..., posted by kath on December 28, 2002, at 15:40:29
> What a great idea, Gracie,
>
> Tabitha - is it an option for you to think of something you enjoy doing & find out if there's a group of people doing it?
>
> Sometimes local newspapers have a 'social' column where you can find out "what's happening".
>
> What about getting involved in doing something that you are interested in, or enjoy - maybe even sorta "trick yourself" into going not with the purpose of meeting new people, but with the purpose of doing something a little different - just for the experience of it. After my first husband left me & my self-confidence was as low as mud & I was as lonely as anything, I forced myself to go to a few events. BUT the problem was that I was going TO MEET PEOPLE!!!!! I was too uncomfortable; didn't find anyone I felt comfortable with, etc. On the other hand, if I attended things because I was really somewhat interested in them, it was easier to sort of float into meeting people.
>
> Volunteer work is great for meeting people.
>
> I'm not sure of your situation. The things I mention take some energy, so might not work for you. Hope you don't mind me putting my 2 cents worth in.
>
> Kath :-)
>
> >
> >
Kath is spot on. I remember taking evening classes just `to meet people' when I first moved out of home. Of course, I was putting so much pressure on myself to achieve my social goal at the time that the plan didn't work.A couple of years later I joined a choir because I was passionate about singing, an art that I'd abandoned after high school. Well, without even trying, I made a couple of new friends and found myself in a new social circle. And now that I think of it, it was so much easier to make friends in that choir because I was doing something that I loved! The focus was taken away from `meeting people', which made me a little more relaxed...It worked.
As it turns out, I find myself in another social lull in my life, having spent two and a half miserable years being isolated and dominated by a boyfriend who constantly put me down. OK, so I chose my own destiny. But now that I am out of that relationship I am going to take the singing that I love beyond exams and private lessons once again and - who knows (?)- I just may meet some new friends.
Tabitha, follow what you love about life and you can't go wrong!
Posted by heather66 on December 29, 2002, at 17:27:04
In reply to Re: social zero » Tabitha, posted by mikhail99 on December 27, 2002, at 11:14:42
> no wonder i have so little social life. I don't enjoy anyone's company. I dont' know how people do it. everyone I'm around just seems to irritate me, drain me, or offend me.
Tabitha-
I can say the same thing you did above. Almost all people irritate me all the time. I've been finding myself forcing myself into social situations and I don't know why. They aren't really satisfying. But, if I stay at home, I just sleep - maybe because of the medication - and sleeping isn't good for me. I sleep too long, all the time and then I feel useless. Sometimes I think I will never enjoy anyone's company again.This advice that is given by the others has been given to me before - join groups, do things that you are interested in - but any enjoyment from going to group functions is superficial at best - for me. For three years I have not found any new friends that way - and I am isolating my old friends.
I am constantly trying to figure out what will make a difference???? Different medication? Therapy? Forcing social situations for THREE MORE YEARS???
Anyway, I found this thread very interesting to read and hope others will either not feel like they are the only ones by reading my comments, or will have better advice. Who knows if people are even worth the time? Being home alone may be the best route.
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 29, 2002, at 18:32:39
In reply to I don't enjoy anyone's company., posted by heather66 on December 29, 2002, at 17:27:04
i went from avoiding the outside world...
to hating it-in a few months.
it has nothing to offer me
i have nothing to offer it....
can someone tell me what is the point?
???
j
Posted by BlackSheep on December 30, 2002, at 10:02:23
In reply to Re: social zero... » dreamerz, posted by Greg on December 27, 2002, at 7:32:30
Posted by Gracie2 on December 30, 2002, at 21:07:30
In reply to I don't enjoy anyone's company., posted by heather66 on December 29, 2002, at 17:27:04
What kind of meds are you on? I felt just like you about other people until an anti-depressant
(Paxil) was added to my medication (and then of course it takes awhile to kick in).
It hasn't exactly turned me into a social butterfly, but I'm no longer isolating myself and I feel strong enough to deal with answering the door or picking up the phone. That's quite a change for me.
-Gracie
Posted by syringachalet on December 30, 2002, at 21:22:01
In reply to Re: I don't enjoy anyone's company-heather66, posted by Gracie2 on December 30, 2002, at 21:07:30
I know for myself and my clients that there are days when if you had to deal with one more demand of you you were going to go outside and yell!!
Social isolation is so common both in depression and anxiety that most docs dont even talk about it much. Having to deal with either the demands of someone else, having to always meet their needs instead of your own, and in some cases, having to risk rejection when you finally get brave enough to share with someone you THINK you can trust and they step on you( I bet you thought I was going to type something else...LOL)
I have to deal with upset people all day long and when I get home, having some time just for me is so precious that I have been known to take a ride in my car to the park and feed the ducks or read my favorite Danille Steele novel to escape for a little while...
Make time for yourself...and then you can find the time for those who are really important in your life... let me know how it goes.
syringachalet
Posted by heather66 on December 31, 2002, at 2:19:28
In reply to Re: I don't enjoy anyone's company-heather66, posted by Gracie2 on December 30, 2002, at 21:07:30
I was on Celexa. Now Lexapro. I wish I didn't need medication to help. Can't something else help? I do have plenty of time for myself. Yet I either skip social situations or go to them, but regret it later.
Thanks for your input. Tabitha - you're not the only one.
Posted by WorryGirl on January 3, 2003, at 13:38:10
In reply to social zero, posted by Tabitha on December 27, 2002, at 3:26:15
This is the end of the thread.
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