Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on November 17, 2004, at 1:45:55
My Dad's wife will be scattering his ashes tomorrow. Naturally I had wanted to go. All of a sudden I am feeling that I don't think I can. I was with him when he died and spent a half hour with him when he was dead. And then I knew he was there at the service when I kissed the coffin. Now I don't know if I can see him disappear completely in a puff of wind. I absolutely don't know what I feel. I am terrified. It is so final. I need to be there and I don't want to do it and I don't know what to do.
Can anyone help me?
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on November 17, 2004, at 4:47:57
In reply to Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE, posted by saw on November 17, 2004, at 1:45:55
My sister remembers every detail about my dad's funeral; I can't even remember which cemetary his ashes were buried, much less the date of the service. I got through that day, but haven't the faintest idea how. I'm sure my brain took those memories and shoved them w-a-y deep so they wouldn't disturb me.
Which isn't to say you wouldn't remember your dad's ceremony; I'm just telling you how differently my sister and I handled it.I think if you bring yourself to do it, you'll be doing a couple of things. First, you'll be honouring your dad's memory. Most importantly, you'll be bringing closure (how I hate that word) to your experience with your father. It did help me to think of the release from pain that my dad had when he died. He was so clearly suffering greatly, even with morphine on demand. I imagined his soul soaring freely, unbound by pain and loss, letting him find the peace he'd been seeking for so long.
pc
Posted by sunny10 on November 17, 2004, at 9:15:39
In reply to Re: Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE, posted by partlycloudy on November 17, 2004, at 4:47:57
can you bring a supportive friend with you?
Posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 0:32:40
In reply to Re: Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE, posted by sunny10 on November 17, 2004, at 9:15:39
I have decided not to. Dad will understand. In fact, he would think it the most "practical" thing for me not to go. I have contacted his wife and she understands. She has fetched his ashes and has placed them in one of his train coaches until later.
My brother and the rest of his immediate family will be there. I have spoken with them too, and they all understand.
I feel ok about my decision and I take comfort that I recognized that I have dealt with enough over the last week and that this would just be too much for me. When I made the decision yesterday, I also promised my Dad that I will not waste any time on regrets afterwards.
Yesterday was one week since he died. It has been the fastest and the longest week of my life.
Sabrina
Posted by gardenergirl on November 18, 2004, at 2:16:14
In reply to I'm not going, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 0:32:40
Posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 4:18:47
In reply to I'm not going, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 0:32:40
Posted by gardenergirl on November 19, 2004, at 22:19:37
In reply to Needed that - thanks (nm) » saw, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 4:18:47
Posted by Dinah on November 20, 2004, at 20:30:23
In reply to I'm not going, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 0:32:40
You honored your father before he died. You honor his spirit. The body left is just the body. You might have made a different decision about disposing of the ashes. Scattering the ashes has a symbolism that some people appreciate and others might not.
My father is dying, and I have no intention of going to the funeral. My mother will, I'm sure, want to have a big to do. I'd like a private service. I'll let her have the service the way she needs it. But that doesn't mean I'm going to put myself through the ordeal of being social at such a time. Since I would never ever dream of letting my son go to one of the open casket funerals my family has, I'll just stay with him.
I'm not going to feel one ounce of guilt or regret about it either. What is between my father and I is just that - between my father and I. I don't feel like what I choose to do in public will in any way affect that.
Posted by just plain jane on November 21, 2004, at 18:57:37
In reply to That's perfectly ok, you know. » saw, posted by Dinah on November 20, 2004, at 20:30:23
Dinah,
Your concept of your relationship with your father, his imminent death, and your decisions as to what you will and will not do are quite inspiring to me.
My father is 80. Last year at Christmas he, his wife, my sisters and I were all given a shock, and an incredible gift.
He went in the hospital with mild chest discomfort two days before Christmas. Tests showed he needed a double bypass and that this was his second heart attack - none of us, he included, knew he'd had a first. I'm sure his tenacity (read stubbornness) had a lot to do with this.
The day before Christmas he had his final tests. He would now be having a triple.
When he was brought back from recovery, we learned it was quadruple.
This, in a man who was lively and active and never had a clue.
So, our greatest gift was more time with Dad on this earth.
One day he will go, though, and I feel much like you. I am not sure I'll want to go to his funeral, but, unless I am with him when he dies, I expect I will. Not for the public, but for my wonderful stepmom who has been the best thing in his life, and for the feeling I have experienced upon seeing the earthly husk and knowing that that is not my loved one. For me, that is the most incredible experience.
I never went to funerals until I was 42. With a SO, as his support. Then my cousin died, and I found myself standing next to her brother, a cousin who was much like a little brother to me, he was devastatedly lost in his sorrow and tears. I looked at him and said, "That is not your sister!" That's when the fear left me. The fear of death. Standing there looking at this painted thing. It had nothing to do with my dear hellraising cousin who had occupied that body.
My father's funeral will not be a "big to do". If it were, I, like you, would pass.
Thanks for sharing.
Posted by Jai Narayan on November 24, 2004, at 21:22:39
In reply to I'm not going, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 0:32:40
My Dear Sabrina,
I got some of my mother's and father's ashes and put them together.
I sifted through my fathers and felt the fact that his life was sifting through my fingers.
He was so important to me.
Honey, do what is best for you.
If this is too much...
take care of yourself first.
You are now the living part of your dad.
This life has a way of being more important than the dead.
They have left us.
We are here to make sense of this life.
Life seems to be the place where we can do something
important.
Please take good care of yourself.
jai
Posted by trucker on November 29, 2004, at 10:28:59
In reply to Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE, posted by saw on November 17, 2004, at 1:45:55
sorry i was there way too late tio help.. how did it go? and did you muster up the strength to go? the scattering of the ashes is final but it is a tired ol body that he doesn't need anymore. he is free to sore with the eagles etc.. i hope that brings comfort to you..
trucker
////////////////////////////////////////////////> My Dad's wife will be scattering his ashes tomorrow. Naturally I had wanted to go. All of a sudden I am feeling that I don't think I can. I was with him when he died and spent a half hour with him when he was dead. And then I knew he was there at the service when I kissed the coffin. Now I don't know if I can see him disappear completely in a puff of wind. I absolutely don't know what I feel. I am terrified. It is so final. I need to be there and I don't want to do it and I don't know what to do.
>
> Can anyone help me?
>
> Sabrina
Posted by saw on November 30, 2004, at 1:13:39
In reply to Re: Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE, posted by trucker on November 29, 2004, at 10:28:59
Hi Trucker
No, I did not go. I feel at peace with that decision after my initial feelings of being torn. Yes, Dad is souring with his eagles. It was a beautiful day with no wind, so his soul went to rest in all the beautiful places he so lovingly built on his model railways. It's been almost 3 weeks. I miss him so much.
Sabrina
Posted by trucker on November 30, 2004, at 9:55:45
In reply to Re: Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE » trucker, posted by saw on November 30, 2004, at 1:13:39
i do understand the emptyness and the miss you speak of.. this isn't much support for that but, in time it will be less and less.. they told me that after my son was born still and i could of killed them.. i always thought..in time.. GOD how will i make it to the "in time" they speak of.. it hurt so bad and i was so empty.. tried to fill the empty with food and gained 135LBS in about six months.. and still am trying to loose it.. i have lost 30LBS but there is plenty where that came from. bad enough to go thru the loss then to have to deal with the weight gain .. total destruction.. be kind to your self and understand that food won't fill that emptiness. not that you would try to fill it but this is what happened to me.. however when my dad died i lost 60LBS in 1 1/2 months!!! strange huh! hang in there.
trucker
/////////////////////////////////////////////////> Hi Trucker
>
> No, I did not go. I feel at peace with that decision after my initial feelings of being torn. Yes, Dad is souring with his eagles. It was a beautiful day with no wind, so his soul went to rest in all the beautiful places he so lovingly built on his model railways. It's been almost 3 weeks. I miss him so much.
>
> Sabrina
Posted by corafree on December 8, 2004, at 23:59:02
In reply to Re: Don't know if I can ADVICE PLEASE PLEASE, posted by partlycloudy on November 17, 2004, at 4:47:57
I am certainly not saying your post wasn't a generous and helpful effort to ease saw's pain, partlycloudy, because it is all in an effort to help saw.
Having lost my Dad in February, I feel not yet ready for 'closure.'
Closure does have different connotations for all and brings upon different emotions in all. For me, I guess it's just not right yet.
Prayers, gentle self care, keep warm, hot chocolate, chamomile tea, comfy wrap, little night light Sabrina, ... cf
> My sister remembers every detail about my dad's funeral; I can't even remember which cemetary his ashes were buried, much less the date of the service. I got through that day, but haven't the faintest idea how. I'm sure my brain took those memories and shoved them w-a-y deep so they wouldn't disturb me.
> Which isn't to say you wouldn't remember your dad's ceremony; I'm just telling you how differently my sister and I handled it.
>
> I think if you bring yourself to do it, you'll be doing a couple of things. First, you'll be honouring your dad's memory. Most importantly, you'll be bringing closure (how I hate that word) to your experience with your father. It did help me to think of the release from pain that my dad had when he died. He was so clearly suffering greatly, even with morphine on demand. I imagined his soul soaring freely, unbound by pain and loss, letting him find the peace he'd been seeking for so long.
>
> pc
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