Posted by Sharon7 on February 4, 2009, at 19:14:33
Hey. Me again. I realize how juvinille this is going to make me sound, and I even hate to bring it up because I know others out there are having real serious problems which makes this seem petty. But it is bothering so I wanted to get it off my chest.
Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I saw my T. (I usually go once, sometimes twice a week.) At my last appt, I got upset with my T (I'll spare you the details on that,) but as a result, I did not want to talk and I just cried. She wouldn't say anything either. We ended the session early. So when I left, it was obvious I was very upset. Of course she didn't know what was wrong (as far as I know!) I've had meltdowns like that before and the pattern normally is, I'll write her a long letter and then either mail or fax it to her (I don't have her email address and won't ask for it because I fear she'd say 'no!') So when I was having my 'issue' at our last meeting, she brought that up how when this happens, I'll end up calling or writing her. Before she even had that out of her mouth I was like "I'M NOT GONNA CALL OR WRITE TO YOU!!" I think she still probably expected I would (and it has been hard not to!) but I'm not going to this time. She has not called me, either and I kind of doubt she will. It feels kind of like a a stand off right now, but probably just on my end. Truth is, she probably hasn't given the situation or me a second thought since that day and hasn't even noticed I haven't been to see her in 2 weeks.
Anyway, I have an appt next Thur on the 11th. Here's the part that's gonna sound REALLY immature, but that's just because I am. (blush)
I'm thinking, if she hasn't called to see about me before my next appt, I'm tempted to cancel it, too. I know it sounds like I want to be coddled and I for sure want that, but here's the deal: I've been seeing her for a 1.5 years and have grown very fond of her. I thought she liked me and cared about me, too, although I realize it's different from what I feel for her. It has to be. Well, knowing how upset I was when I left her office that day, I kind of thought she might have called by now to check on me. Especially since I canceled my next 2 appts right after that (but again, she might not even realize I cancelled or thought of me at all.) BUT because I feel she should, I'm going to feel hurt if by 2/11 I have not heard from her, and would be tempted to cancel again. Even if I do go, it would be hard to not express my disappointment and sadness that she didn't care enough to see how I was doing since our last session was so rough.
What I'm hoping is,(assuming she's even given me a second thought since then) she still expects me to cave in and write to her or call, because that's usually what happens. I've even told her before that I wouldn't do that, and still did, so she might just be waiting for me to surface (or not.) But it's already been 2 weeks and normally I would have tried to make some contact and/or consessions to her by now, but I'm not going to.
I've read others post about how their T will call them, or tell them they can call, or email. My T has never said I could call her and has never offered her email. She knows I'll call her if I need to, and the few times I have, she's always called me back, but she does not by any means encourage it. And I get mixed signals from her, although admittedly, my radar is shot. Sometimes she is so nice to me, and other times she seems more business-like. I think that's what got me upset last time. The week before that, we had a very good session and I felt I began to open up and discuss some things that have been just impossible for me to in the past. I kind of assumed we'd pick up where we left off the week before, but I felt like I was a new patient. She was like "well, what do you want to talk about today?" That's right about the time I shut down. At one point, I muttered something about "what we had talked about last week," and she was like "refresh my memory.." So she doesn't even remember what we had talked about, and apparently hadn't looked at the file to get up to speed. Maybe that's too much to expect. I know she's got a lot clients, so maybe it's not reasonable to think she would remember from one week to the next, or that our therapy would have some continuity. I even wonder if she would know my name if she didn't look at the file first (seriously.) I asked her one time, and she was like "of course!" but I bet if I ever ran into her at the store of something, I bet she wouldn't even know my name. Probably the sooner I accept that that's all I am to her is a "file" the better off I'll be.
Thanks for letting me get that out. Sorry it got so long.
Sharon
poster:Sharon7
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878066.html