Posted by wittgensteinz on February 6, 2009, at 7:25:35
In reply to Re: If my Therapist doesn't call...... » wittgensteinz, posted by Sharon7 on February 5, 2009, at 20:36:46
Thanks for the reply. As for the background to my problems - it probably won't surprise you to hear that my MOTHER (or momster as some people affectionately refer to them) was a big factor. Again she had a very rough time of things as an only child to an abusive father and she then repeated much of the abuse on me (and my brother) - emotional and physical. But me being the daughter, I think I effectively became a vessel for her own self-hatred and that's something hard for a child to bear. This question of a cycle and choosing to continue it or not troubles me. I am young, and motherhood is a possibility but at the back of my mind I always have the worry of whether I might end up just like my own mother.
My T mentioned a while back in a mail that "my internalised mother never fails to pop in to say a word or two" - I found this amusing but perceptive - we do internalise our parents and in a way continue to abuse ourselves by repeating the same things that were screamed at us as children. My mother is still there but doesn't have the same power over me IRL as she did, yet this internalised mother still reigns supreme.
Anyway, enough about mothers :)
You asked me about my e-mail to my T: "Did yours give you reason to believe he was feeling that way towards you?" No, not especially - like you said, it's just how I 'felt' or 'assumed' he must feel about me.
I may be way off but could it be that you got some kind of reassurance out of making your T raise her voice because she then fitted what you expected of a mother-figure? Somehow, your attempt to repeat what you had already experienced?
My T's comment about not abandoning me was said recently - a couple of weeks ago - it did feel reassuring. What I think he meant by it is that he knows why I have this need to check and to worry, and that he doesn't judge me for it and won't succumb to it. He's said that sometimes "it can be hard when you don't trust me but given your past it's completely understandable why you have such a lack of trust". I should say he has a strict no-suicide policy and if I would do anything like that (again) that would be it, so there is an exception - although he insists that if I would do that then that would be my choice to abandon him and not vice versa (hmm rhetoric!). He doesn't set time-limits for therapy (althoug he's past retirement so there are probably biological time-limits).
I just saw him today and it was nice - the last few sessions I've felt a reluctance to go. I've left the house almost too late to catch the train. He asked why and I didn't really know. I said I felt a distance between us. I also said I felt angry with the world, including him - which is something I haven't admitted directly before now. Having a rant about lots of silly little things and frustrations that accumulate into big things was lifting. So by the end that distance was bridged and I feel better.
Sorry I'm blabbering on! Let us know how things go between now and Wednesday. Whatever you decide, people will be here to support you.
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878435.html