Posted by lucie lu on February 6, 2009, at 11:56:48
In reply to If my Therapist doesn't call......, posted by Sharon7 on February 4, 2009, at 19:14:33
Hi Sharon,
The "dance" you describe is so familiar :) The thing that has helped the most with that is open and honest discussion between both parties.
My T decided early on to encourage me to call as needed. He felt that given my history of loss and neglect, it was important for my therapy to offer me someone consistent to turn to. I didn't call much with emergencies - well OK, maybe I did more often in the early days when there were more emergencies. But mostly, they were prior-scheduled "touch base" calls, usually on weekends when I tended to get anxious. These were brief, mostly because of my own discomfort with them. When I said that to him, he said that he knew and that was exactly the point - for me to learn to learn to ask for help and judge when I needed it. He now expects that I will be able to handle things differently, have more resources etc. But he did say that while that is the goal, if I am going through something unusually stressful that may overwhelm my personal and interpersonal resources, then if I can't, I can't, and then he is still there if needed.
Funny, since I am more an email person than a phone person (I hate the phone), I have only emailed him twice over the years, both about non-personal things. I have always had his email address but he never encouraged me to use it. I think I was concerned myself about over-using it. I have also never written something and sent it to him outside of session, although many, many times I have written something (e.g. journaling) and shared it with him in session. My T feels strongly about promoting live interactions with me, rather than written messages, given my antisocial proclivities ;)
Early on, there was a pattern similar to what you describe with ruptures, quitting therapy, testing him with that. We came up with a pretty funny, almost tongue-in-cheek system of shared communication about quitting. If I called to quit therapy after a session(and in the first few years of therapy I threatened to several times though I only really quit once, for 6 months), then I was feeling exceptionally insecure for some reason and needed reassurance, i.e. that he wanted to continue therapy with me, that I mattered to him and couldn't drive him away etc. He is not one for openly affectionate statements, but his feelings are clear nonetheless, and he is really good at making me feel valued. Then we would talk about my insecurity or doubts or whatever when we got together next. But if I were seriously feeling that I really wanted to quit, then I would tell him that straight out so he would best know how to respond to me and my concerns. This "red flag" helped avoid serious misunderstanding at a critical time. Kind of like your doctor needing to know whether your fever is low or dangerously high - is it 100.5 or 105.0 - so they know how to treat you. While this may seem like game-playing, it actually made our mutual signals clearer as we learned what to reasonably expect from one another. This is not usually necessary now - the last time I made such a call (recently), I told him that I was feeling like not going to the next session and briefly why, but that I was willing to talk about it first. So we set up a time to talk beforehand on the phone and then I went to the session after all, and it was useful. I still may feel like testing him occasionally but usually now it is with words rather than actions. ("Are you frustrated with my lack of progress?" and the goldie, "I know I am a really difficult patient..." which he denies.)
We have learned not to assume that we know one another's meaning without confirming it. Usually we are on the same page but there have been times that surprised us both, that we were thinking such different things. Significant misunderstandings that have caused large or small ruptures were not easily identified until we stepped back and compared notes. We can now do this reality-checking with one another pretty smoothly and consistently. ("Is this what you meant, because that's how I took it...") I have learned that's what it takes to be understood by someone else - there are no mind-readers (except maybe Dinah :)
One thing you mentioned was wondering about her feelings, whether she was insulted by your questioning her feelings for you. Remember that your keeping your worryies to yourself about this, while natural, is really counter-productive to your therapy. Discuss this with her. Most T's are so used to getting this from patients, it's part of their day-by-day territory. And honest negotiation between you around those feelings is really important, a therapy goal in itself.
So... talk, talk, talk.
Good luck!
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:878066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878465.html