Posted by llurpsienoodle on July 15, 2008, at 17:09:25
The main reason I am with a male T is because I want to work on a particular issue I have, that is fairly debilitating. It affects so many of my relationships and constricts many opportunities I have in my career, so I suppose it is "clinically significant" or whatever.
It's this fear of men. Imagining that every man out there is a predator and is pretty much going to rape me. It was triggered this past weekend when I was working and this intoxicated (smelly liquor breath) man came in. I am working as a tour guide in a museum this summer. Basically, I was was working alone, and this guy comes in (all by himself), asking for a tour. I didn't notice the liquor on his breath until we were in the middle of the tour. At this particular historical museum there are different rooms set up for exhibit, and some of them are bedrooms. I was terrified that he was going to hurt me. Death doesn't scare me much, but rape sure does. Well, nothing happened, but I was very shaken.
So, I bring this up in therapy, and we work on it a little while, deciding that this was a truly dangerous situation, me working alone and all that. But then I went further and spoke about how I have a pretty general fear/terror of men, for as long as I have known myself. Mom always told me to watch out for strangers (men), but of course the most dangerous men lived under our roof. So, despite a fairly fragmented autobiography that I have shared with T, and that we worked on together, amidst much anxiety, I still have some serious angst. T joked about sending me off to Bessel VanDerKolk... (I hope he was joking about outsourcing his work lol)
So, T has an interesting theory, no doubt with strong psychodynamic undercurrents. Here's his formulation of my psychological delimma:
Trauma history leads to fear of men, but ALSO (here's where it gets interesting) a fear of my own power and sexuality. In my current interactions (face to face interviews with men, or leading tours or such), there are two parties, both with sexual energies. I am one of them, the man is the other. I try to diffuse the sexual charge by compartmentalizing my own sexuality and ignoring the man's power, to the extent that I am capable. (can you imagine how much it took to stay 'present' in this discussion? This is SO hard for me). That I can begin to engage in normal social interactions by acknowledging and experiencing my own sexuality. That I need to understand that most men have innocent intentions and boundaries that do not permit liasons.
At this point, I attempted to wrap up our session, but he refused to grab his planner (which is his signal that the session is over), and agonizing "ums" "i don't knows" and mumblings interupted long silences. T repeating himself, Llurpsie trying hard to keep it together and not bolt out of the room. DanGeR going off, and panic rising in my throat.
Do you guys get into any of this stuff with your T's? I feel like such a freak. T had this amused look on his face at the end, and was telling me that I am a very interesting young woman to work with. I asked him if he meant that in a pejorative sense (my self-esteem needed a little bolstering at this point), and he smiled more and said that I am a very interesting patient, and that I was complicated. I guess that's a compliment coming from him.
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:839877
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/839877.html