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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 19:12:22
I hate to be a downer. I've been feeling happy, even goofy most of the day. Now, I look outside and ... I want to cry.
The window is dark, the leaves flutter by the balcony door backlit by the parking lot lights outside, color flashing in the weakened light of my living room that filters outside. I want to press my body through the glass and be part of it all, and yet.. its cold and wet and dark outside. The beautiful fall colors fade and fall, leaving bare, sleepy trees in their wake - all of this put here to remind us how all beauty fades -- all but the kind found inside.
Yet I find myself hard pressed to find the inner beauty in myself... or my coke-addicted boss who enjoys picking fights and antagonizing people just because he can. I've tried making excuses to myself because he's been through 'Nam and exposed to agent orange, but there is no excuse to treat other people that way, espeically people who work for you. The vengeful b***h within me considers calling the police anonymously and having him dragged off... I shouldn't stoop to that. I shouldn't HAVE to. I can go on about declining job markets and crappy US economy, but I wont now. We all know it sucks.
I just hate these mood swings. I want to go outside, I want to be somewhere else... I want to be someONE else...someone "normal" -- whatever /that/ means anymore.
Now.. I sit and wait to see what someone else has to say.. as I daydream myself in a better life, as a better person.
-Z
Posted by Poet on October 14, 2003, at 20:33:04
In reply to Down and wanting out, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 19:12:22
And I call myself the Poet. Very descriptive images both inside and out.
You should not have to put up with your boss's behavior. Vietnam Vet or not, you are not the enemy and should not be treated like one.
I wish I were a kid again, because in Fall leaves were something you jumped in. Not raked into the street where your neighbor parks on top of the pile and it's still there under the snow a month later. Sorry, I became a bitter adult again.
My therapist is working with me on finding my inner child. Maybe before I have raked the last of the leaves, I'll let her jump into the pile.
Poet
Posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 20:50:24
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out, posted by Poet on October 14, 2003, at 20:33:04
My boss is sick and twisted. Thinks its fun to get me worked up until its all I can do from giving the sob a black eye. Good news is he was flying so high he thought it was funny when I told him to "back the f**k off" and leave me alone in some rather unfriendly tones.
I have a bit of an inner poet. She comes out when I'm depressed and I have a box of things I've written - some make no sense. I can't talk about things like this verbally, but I can put it into frilly words and put them into text. I think pretty words help sooth the jagged ache I feel in my soul. It manifests in various environmental factors.. the rain, falling leaves, the moon.. the way humanity destroys the planet with industry and "technology". The irony being that it's technology that brings this posting to your own eyes.
I'm so horribly tired of everything. It feels like .. like I'm dying slowly inside and sometimes I really wish there was a way to get rid of the pain and keep living, if only to see what happens next in this soap opera I call my life. There are times I think I can't have it both ways. I either live with the pain, or end the pain and everything with it. I don't think I could do that right now.. too many people depend on me, the longer I live the more people I would affect in death, the more people would cry. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. My pain is enough, its not good to cause more.
Why cant I just stay happy and goofy? Why is it almost always followed by.. by this? I want to cry, but it doesnt make sense. I have no reason and without reason, it seems silly to cry about absolutely nothing. Sometimes it helps to cry anyway, but even tho no one else knows about it, I still wake up feeling humiliated to face anyone else. I feel like I've lost.
I dont know anymore. I feel a heavy hollowness in my heart and ... its just there. I could go on for a while just rambling, but I'll give someone else a chance to write.
-Z
Posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 21:10:24
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out, posted by Poet on October 14, 2003, at 20:33:04
What is today but another throb in the pulse of daily pain and insanity? Another day to hate, another day to love; another day to live, another day to die. Today is another day to stumble through, just to make it to the next today that we have to stumble through again, day after day until we finally fall.
Posted by sarita0001 on October 14, 2003, at 21:13:25
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out » Poet, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 20:50:24
Hi,
At least you don't put up with your boss's crap. And who wouldn't be angry at him-sounds like a wacko. It is kind of you to acknowledge why he is the way he is but it doesn't make it right.
I know what you mean about you rather nor being on earth. When I tell my therapist I have thoughts like that, he says "everyone would be devastated". But I told him well "I feel devastated now". I guess his point is that people would be permanently devastated and that my feelings of desperation won't last as long as I think. That was on Monday and yes today I felt like crap but the day got better. Each day I don't know what to expect. Weekends tend to be a little harder for some reason. As much as people say, it will get better later I know it's true but I am so freakin impatient(always been) and depending on how the day is I'll believe that or not. Don't know if you know what I mean, but even if you don't, I think I know what you mean.
Sara
Posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 21:20:42
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out » Zarah78, posted by sarita0001 on October 14, 2003, at 21:13:25
Hello.
Its hard not to be impatient when you're hurting. The only thing you tend to think about is how long will it be until the pain stops or how long until the pain finally makes me snap and go truly nuts. Sometimes I almost wish I were in a rubber room. It'd be soft, quiet, I could sleep all day, wouldn't have to put up with my boss or day to day life, not be bombarded by responsibilities or wars overseas, and I could sit and think about me, who I am, who I want to be and what I might do to get there. Quiet, no distraction, a haven.Everyone thinks suicide to be so selfish.. and yet there is so much controversy about euthanization of the severely ill. What's the difference? The severely depressed sometimes are hurting just as much or more than the ill. They just can't write down some latin-named bacterium as the cause. Don't worry, I'm not going to do it, it's just interesting to discuss once in a while.
-Z
Posted by fallsfall on October 14, 2003, at 23:46:07
In reply to Re: More poetry, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 21:10:24
This is beautiful.
Does the writing help the pain for you? I know that when I journal, it is like some of the pain sticks with the words on the paper and I feel a little better.
Posted by Zarah78 on October 15, 2003, at 7:22:00
In reply to Re: More poetry » Zarah78, posted by fallsfall on October 14, 2003, at 23:46:07
Thank you. Its strange how pain can have beauty, no? Or maybe its the pain that creates beauty.
Yes, I do find that writing helps and seems to help more when I have someone that will read it once its out. Its like you said, the words stick the pain to the page and get it out of me, then someone else reading washes it away.
I wasn't up as late yesterday. I finally managed to fall asleep at a semi-reasonable time. Just woke up feeling drugged from the weird dreams. Ever have dreams where you could almost swear you were peeking into someone elses life? As if the sandman gave you someone elses dream?
-Z
Posted by femlite on October 15, 2003, at 8:26:26
In reply to Down and wanting out, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 19:12:22
Zarah, Im sorry I wasnt here last night (when you were posting)Im glad others were. Its good not to be so alone when you feel so much pain.
Do you believe in a collective conciousness.
I do. Do you know where I was when your pain overwhelmed you?
I was driving my kids home from choir and symphony. As I drove through the darkness, I was glad no one could see me, in case my face betrayed my sadness and despair. There was such a burden of grief and anxiety weighing on my heart, and my body ached and throbbed from the pain of fibromyalgia.
I remembered days not too long ago when due to a serious back injury, I spent months on prescription pain meds.
At my revelry, my heart railed against my mind and my better judgment, demanding, why cant all the days be sweet like those days when no sadness, despair or pain could touch my body and mind.
I once flirted with happiness and we had become friends.I felt wounded and hopeless. Striving seemed all that was left to me. Trying in each new med to find the sweetness and peace I once briefly knew.
I blessed the darkness as I drove my children home to bed, trying to hang on for those i love and who love me.
I believe that as you and I struggled with the same spirit of despair in our differnet corners of the world, as we in turn found strengh for the battle, that strengh touched the other and helped each of us to go on.
If thats true then each time one of us stuggles and overcomes despair, I believe how we despair and how we fight, vibrates the web of life for us all.My daughers name is Sarah. Zarah is a beautiful (screen) name.
Thank you for the post to me on the thread Chasing geese / rant warning.
It was encouraging, as well as funny and well written.
Your post has a bipolar feeling to it. But you need to do the research as you know docs are quick to (mis)judge.
If you are BP or even depressed Zarah please take care of yourself and get the support you need. You sound like a intelligent and warm human being and God knows we need to hang all to all those we can.
femlite> I hate to be a downer. I've been feeling happy, even goofy most of the day. Now, I look outside and ... I want to cry.
>
> The window is dark, the leaves flutter by the balcony door backlit by the parking lot lights outside, color flashing in the weakened light of my living room that filters outside. I want to press my body through the glass and be part of it all, and yet.. its cold and wet and dark outside. The beautiful fall colors fade and fall, leaving bare, sleepy trees in their wake - all of this put here to remind us how all beauty fades -- all but the kind found inside.
>
> Yet I find myself hard pressed to find the inner beauty in myself... or my coke-addicted boss who enjoys picking fights and antagonizing people just because he can. I've tried making excuses to myself because he's been through 'Nam and exposed to agent orange, but there is no excuse to treat other people that way, espeically people who work for you. The vengeful b***h within me considers calling the police anonymously and having him dragged off... I shouldn't stoop to that. I shouldn't HAVE to. I can go on about declining job markets and crappy US economy, but I wont now. We all know it sucks.
>
> I just hate these mood swings. I want to go outside, I want to be somewhere else... I want to be someONE else...someone "normal" -- whatever /that/ means anymore.
>
> Now.. I sit and wait to see what someone else has to say.. as I daydream myself in a better life, as a better person.
>
> -Z
Posted by Poet on October 15, 2003, at 8:57:14
In reply to Down and wanting out, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 19:12:22
Hi Zarah,
Sorry I missed your second poetry post. I had to go offline and never got back on last night.
I hope you feel less sad today. I can identify with feeling like it's time to move onto a new life. I believe in reincarnation and trust the psychic who told me that I've led many lives and my lesson is always self love and self worth. In therapy I am trying to learn to love and appreciate myself, it's a struggle though. I am a class A self-esteem basher.
I think the inner poet in you writes beautifully. Try writing it all down. I find that writing, not talking helps me release pent up pain.
Poet
Posted by Zarah78 on October 15, 2003, at 10:42:19
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out » Zarah78, posted by femlite on October 15, 2003, at 8:26:26
Thank you. It does help to know that someone else was feeling the same way, although it sounds as if you actually have a reason. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been sick. I wish you the best of luck in your fight.
My mood swings really seem to have very little reasoning behind them. They just come and go whenever they feel like it. Maybe it has something to do with the web of life you mentioned.
My father always has told me that I'm very empathic by nature and warned me that such a gift can cause a lot of pain and difficulty through life if I cannot control it. My astrological profile suggests I would be a good listener and love helping people, both of which I find true as well. Some things like that make you wonder.
Unfortunately, despite the best wishes of everyone on the board, I feel no better today than I did last nite. The weight in my chest feels heavy enough to crack a rib and is beginning to cause physical discomfort - probably anxiety attack. Its just a more constant low than the inital plunge I went through last night. It always hurts more when you're dropped than it does while you're down, I guess. I'm at work right now and I really just do not want to be here. I had strange dreams last night, but at least I slept a bit longer than I have recently. I think the strange dreams were probably because I nuked some fish before bed (not recommended unless you really dont mind soggy fish fillets). I wasn't hungry, but skipped dinner.
I am starting to agree that I may be BP. And I dont really mind the manic phases, because they're kinda fun. I have energy to spare, I have fun, smile and laugh - just that I feel slightly out of control as they peak out. Not too bad. The lows that follow the peaks aren't at all good. Reminds me of a Z tipped about 45 degrees to the left so that the beginning and end will touch a straight line drawn through them. The energy/mood increases slowly until it reaches the peak, then drops sharply below that middle line to come up slowly again to the line.
I dont want to be here. I want to go home. To sleep. Maybe cry, I dunno. I just want to feel normal. It's like you said, femlite: "I once flirted with happiness and we had become friends." "Trying in each new [day] to find the sweetness and peace I once briefly knew." It's so frustrating to have every day feel like a battle.
Its so hard to be here at work, having to call underwriters and closing agents, and putting on fake laughter and smiles just to keep from explaining that which has no explanation and no meaning for those who have never had the experience of depression. I tell people at work that I'm just tired. I know at least one person here who knows I'm lying, because she's been there and is currently taking Lexapro (swears by it).
This is getting long again. Thanks for reading. I'll be checking back from time to time.
-Z
Posted by ive on October 15, 2003, at 11:32:42
In reply to Down and wanting out, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 19:12:22
you are a really good writer, hopefully that will make you feel a bit better.
Posted by Zarah78 on October 15, 2003, at 12:10:52
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out, posted by ive on October 15, 2003, at 11:32:42
A little bit. Thank you.
Almost had a breakdown a little while ago. Think I will look for a new job.
Thank you again.
-Z
This is the end of the thread.
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