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Re: Down and wanting out » Poet

Posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 20:50:24

In reply to Re: Down and wanting out, posted by Poet on October 14, 2003, at 20:33:04

My boss is sick and twisted. Thinks its fun to get me worked up until its all I can do from giving the sob a black eye. Good news is he was flying so high he thought it was funny when I told him to "back the f**k off" and leave me alone in some rather unfriendly tones.

I have a bit of an inner poet. She comes out when I'm depressed and I have a box of things I've written - some make no sense. I can't talk about things like this verbally, but I can put it into frilly words and put them into text. I think pretty words help sooth the jagged ache I feel in my soul. It manifests in various environmental factors.. the rain, falling leaves, the moon.. the way humanity destroys the planet with industry and "technology". The irony being that it's technology that brings this posting to your own eyes.

I'm so horribly tired of everything. It feels like .. like I'm dying slowly inside and sometimes I really wish there was a way to get rid of the pain and keep living, if only to see what happens next in this soap opera I call my life. There are times I think I can't have it both ways. I either live with the pain, or end the pain and everything with it. I don't think I could do that right now.. too many people depend on me, the longer I live the more people I would affect in death, the more people would cry. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. My pain is enough, its not good to cause more.

Why cant I just stay happy and goofy? Why is it almost always followed by.. by this? I want to cry, but it doesnt make sense. I have no reason and without reason, it seems silly to cry about absolutely nothing. Sometimes it helps to cry anyway, but even tho no one else knows about it, I still wake up feeling humiliated to face anyone else. I feel like I've lost.

I dont know anymore. I feel a heavy hollowness in my heart and ... its just there. I could go on for a while just rambling, but I'll give someone else a chance to write.

-Z


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