Posted by femlite on October 15, 2003, at 8:26:26
In reply to Down and wanting out, posted by Zarah78 on October 14, 2003, at 19:12:22
Zarah, Im sorry I wasnt here last night (when you were posting)Im glad others were. Its good not to be so alone when you feel so much pain.
Do you believe in a collective conciousness.
I do. Do you know where I was when your pain overwhelmed you?
I was driving my kids home from choir and symphony. As I drove through the darkness, I was glad no one could see me, in case my face betrayed my sadness and despair. There was such a burden of grief and anxiety weighing on my heart, and my body ached and throbbed from the pain of fibromyalgia.
I remembered days not too long ago when due to a serious back injury, I spent months on prescription pain meds.
At my revelry, my heart railed against my mind and my better judgment, demanding, why cant all the days be sweet like those days when no sadness, despair or pain could touch my body and mind.
I once flirted with happiness and we had become friends.I felt wounded and hopeless. Striving seemed all that was left to me. Trying in each new med to find the sweetness and peace I once briefly knew.
I blessed the darkness as I drove my children home to bed, trying to hang on for those i love and who love me.
I believe that as you and I struggled with the same spirit of despair in our differnet corners of the world, as we in turn found strengh for the battle, that strengh touched the other and helped each of us to go on.
If thats true then each time one of us stuggles and overcomes despair, I believe how we despair and how we fight, vibrates the web of life for us all.My daughers name is Sarah. Zarah is a beautiful (screen) name.
Thank you for the post to me on the thread Chasing geese / rant warning.
It was encouraging, as well as funny and well written.
Your post has a bipolar feeling to it. But you need to do the research as you know docs are quick to (mis)judge.
If you are BP or even depressed Zarah please take care of yourself and get the support you need. You sound like a intelligent and warm human being and God knows we need to hang all to all those we can.
femlite> I hate to be a downer. I've been feeling happy, even goofy most of the day. Now, I look outside and ... I want to cry.
>
> The window is dark, the leaves flutter by the balcony door backlit by the parking lot lights outside, color flashing in the weakened light of my living room that filters outside. I want to press my body through the glass and be part of it all, and yet.. its cold and wet and dark outside. The beautiful fall colors fade and fall, leaving bare, sleepy trees in their wake - all of this put here to remind us how all beauty fades -- all but the kind found inside.
>
> Yet I find myself hard pressed to find the inner beauty in myself... or my coke-addicted boss who enjoys picking fights and antagonizing people just because he can. I've tried making excuses to myself because he's been through 'Nam and exposed to agent orange, but there is no excuse to treat other people that way, espeically people who work for you. The vengeful b***h within me considers calling the police anonymously and having him dragged off... I shouldn't stoop to that. I shouldn't HAVE to. I can go on about declining job markets and crappy US economy, but I wont now. We all know it sucks.
>
> I just hate these mood swings. I want to go outside, I want to be somewhere else... I want to be someONE else...someone "normal" -- whatever /that/ means anymore.
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> Now.. I sit and wait to see what someone else has to say.. as I daydream myself in a better life, as a better person.
>
> -Z
poster:femlite
thread:269449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031011/msgs/269604.html