Posted by Zarah78 on October 15, 2003, at 10:42:19
In reply to Re: Down and wanting out » Zarah78, posted by femlite on October 15, 2003, at 8:26:26
Thank you. It does help to know that someone else was feeling the same way, although it sounds as if you actually have a reason. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been sick. I wish you the best of luck in your fight.
My mood swings really seem to have very little reasoning behind them. They just come and go whenever they feel like it. Maybe it has something to do with the web of life you mentioned.
My father always has told me that I'm very empathic by nature and warned me that such a gift can cause a lot of pain and difficulty through life if I cannot control it. My astrological profile suggests I would be a good listener and love helping people, both of which I find true as well. Some things like that make you wonder.
Unfortunately, despite the best wishes of everyone on the board, I feel no better today than I did last nite. The weight in my chest feels heavy enough to crack a rib and is beginning to cause physical discomfort - probably anxiety attack. Its just a more constant low than the inital plunge I went through last night. It always hurts more when you're dropped than it does while you're down, I guess. I'm at work right now and I really just do not want to be here. I had strange dreams last night, but at least I slept a bit longer than I have recently. I think the strange dreams were probably because I nuked some fish before bed (not recommended unless you really dont mind soggy fish fillets). I wasn't hungry, but skipped dinner.
I am starting to agree that I may be BP. And I dont really mind the manic phases, because they're kinda fun. I have energy to spare, I have fun, smile and laugh - just that I feel slightly out of control as they peak out. Not too bad. The lows that follow the peaks aren't at all good. Reminds me of a Z tipped about 45 degrees to the left so that the beginning and end will touch a straight line drawn through them. The energy/mood increases slowly until it reaches the peak, then drops sharply below that middle line to come up slowly again to the line.
I dont want to be here. I want to go home. To sleep. Maybe cry, I dunno. I just want to feel normal. It's like you said, femlite: "I once flirted with happiness and we had become friends." "Trying in each new [day] to find the sweetness and peace I once briefly knew." It's so frustrating to have every day feel like a battle.
Its so hard to be here at work, having to call underwriters and closing agents, and putting on fake laughter and smiles just to keep from explaining that which has no explanation and no meaning for those who have never had the experience of depression. I tell people at work that I'm just tired. I know at least one person here who knows I'm lying, because she's been there and is currently taking Lexapro (swears by it).
This is getting long again. Thanks for reading. I'll be checking back from time to time.
-Z
poster:Zarah78
thread:269449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031011/msgs/269634.html