Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
I had been doing really well ignoring the girls giving me grief at work. But today I just lost it. More crying at my desk. I wish there was something you could take to make yourself not burst into tears so easily.
Well the day was going okay, I had my headphones on all day, but I was still getting annoyed at Bitchygirl. She just always seemed to be in my face all day. I sit by one of the printers and she seemed to stay there all day. Sometimes both her and ColdShouldergirl would be there for the longest time, and I had to turn my music way up to drown out Bitchygirl's voice.
Then lunchtime comes around and Bitchygirl walks up to the desk beside me and puts down huge bags of Chinese food they had ordered, and starts passing them out (usually they hand it out somewhere else). Everybody had ordered except for me and this one quiet guy I think they just missed. It was just such an obviously orchestrated event that it was embarrassing. People were looking at me and I know they all knew I was being intentionally slighted.
I talked to the quiet guy about us not being included and told him what was going on. He was like, "If that's the case, I don't want to eat with them". That and sitting in my car at lunch made me feel a little better. As I'm walking back in, I walk by Cuteboy and a group of people that usually are half way decent to me. I get no acknowledgment from them whatsoever. I was totally upset by the time I got inside. I felt like everyone know's what's going on and they just don't care!
So I'm trying to get through the day when coldshouldergirl comes up to the printers to talk to cuteboy and tells him she's sorry she didn't call him back, she had messages from (she listed a handful of coworkers). And once again it was completely obvious how intentional it was. I was like, oh crap, they found my weakness. Later I hear the bitchygirls talking to people about going out, so I realize that's what this is all about. I tried to drown them out with my headphones, but I just started crying. I was so pissed because I didn't want them to see me cry and think they got to me. They would think it was about them when actually I was upset about cuteboy. I watched him out of the corner of my eye all day as he joked and laughed with this whole crowd. He, out of everyone there, knows the most about what's going on. I kept telling myself that I had to accept the fact that he doesn't care. I have to get that through to myself. I know all the guys are trying to stay out of it, but when they go along with all this stuff that they know is engineered to hurt me, it seems like they're involved in it to me. I just kept thinking, I've got to realize that he doesn't REALLY care and was only being nice to me. I’ve got to accept that. Of course in the very back of my mind I don’t completely believe it, but I think its because I don’t want to.
So I leave work, watching him walk out with the bitchygirls, just laughing and talking loud with them. I was just losing it. I managed to get to my car before I burst into sobbing tears. I cried all the way home and on the liqueur store. I know, nice, huh? They cashier thought I was having a party.
I’m just so upset and feel like I wasn’t meant to have any friends. Its just too hard. I'm defective or something.
-T
poster:TexasChic
thread:635629
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060413/msgs/635629.html