Posted by TexasChic on April 30, 2006, at 14:31:29
In reply to Re: He wrote me back, posted by TexasChic on April 29, 2006, at 22:36:11
Okay, three things are bothering me. First, I still think it was hurtful and insulting to be intentionally left out of a birthday get together. There is no way around the fact that I was excluded because Coldshouldergirl decided she didn't like me anymore.
The second is when he said: "the more you over react to this stuff, the more people are going to isolate you". That makes me think, so people are isolating me already? Because he tried really hard to make me think that wasn't the case with the get together. And who knows I over reacted? I don't think anyone heard me or realized I got mad.
Which leads me to the third, I can't help but wonder if this was discussed at the get together.
I think I've done pretty well at not reacting to the things that have happened. Other than crying at my desk that is. Although no one ever seemed to notice, I still feel imbarassed about that. I keep telling myself, how would they know WHAT I was crying about? One day I was upset about something entirely different that had nothing to do with work. I remember thinking, they probably think this is because of them.
I'm just full of self doubt and dreading being around those people tomorrow. I guess my biggest fear is to be talked about behind my back. It would be hard to believe it hasn't happened at some point or another in this situation. I know they discussed me having anxiety and taking medication, so I would assume they have discussed more. I keep thinking they're probably saying I'm psycho. So many other people up there have obvious mental problems, I was just open about mine.
I also hate that I always manage to put myself down in front of people! I realized I did alot of that in the emails with Cuteboy this weekend. I mean, I said I over reacted, but now that I think about it, I don't think I did. I think that was a perfectly natural reaction to the situation. I even apologized and said it was my fault! I said I created all the drama! What the hell is wrong with me? I always do that, and it always makes people think less of me every time (I can remember this happening in several past relationships). Now I wish I could take it all back, but then it would make me look even crazier. Plus, knowing he thinks I'm thinking one way, when I'm really thinking another is just upsetting. What if I get mixed up on what I said before, and how I feel now. I know I should just let it go and move on. I mean, its obvious Cuteboy isn't interested in me or I don't believe any of this would have happened. But its so hard to make my brain stop obsessing about these things.
I'm also nervous about the interview tomorrow. I don't have any of my work from my current job in my portfolio, so tomorrow I will have to figure out how to get some stuff together without anyone noticing. I always get anxiety about things I have to do in the future when there is doubt as to whether it will work out or not. Also, interviews are just nerve racking. I keep telling myself I'm not desperate, I have a job already. So I should be able to shop around and check some places out. But then all the drama at work makes me want to get out of there as soon as possible.
Well, that's it for my obsessive rant for now. I'm going to take a nap. I had my nephew over this weekend and that always makes me so tired! I wish I had half his energy.
-T
poster:TexasChic
thread:635629
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060422/msgs/638436.html