Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 13:37:00
Hi girls,
Thanks for all the responses. I guess it does good to talk, huh? At least I'm not brooding on my own.
You know what really bothers me, though? Everything has been geared for the future....and now the future is a HUGE question mark.
I packed up the kids and flew away from hubby when they were only 2 and 5 years old (that was 10 years ago!! Wow!!!). We got 5,000 miles away from him, and I went to court and got sole custody of our kids....while he was swearing to hunt me down like the dog I am and kill me.
I waited until they were old enough for me to go back to school. We moved into the city so that I could be within walking distance of the University (we don't have a car). We sacrificed a lot, because it would only be temporary while I finished my education. I don't even have a bedroom in this apartment....I sleep on a daybed in the livingroom!
I slowly took the pre-reqs while getting used to being back in school. Eyes always on the future. Working towards the future.
Got into the Nursing program in the Advanced Standing option. Finished off the first half of years 1 and 2 with great grades. Went into the second term. And everything caught up with me. And I had to leave.
Came back this January.....just couldn't cope again. Leaving again.
And now the funds are all gone. My plans from 10 years are gone. Nothing is left. We have nothing. I can't even make new plans for the future. There are no options anymore.
I just don't know. All this time, I thought God was leading me. He absolutely got us away from hubby. And I thought He was guiding me towards being a nurse. I was amazed! I'm not totally comfortable around people, but I honestly thought He was calling me to be a nurse. I thought that was the reason I was created. I thought this was His purpose for me. All things are possible through Him.....and I was so excited! I knew I would be a wonderful nurse. I really care for people. And after working for a few months on an airliner disaster that happened here (but only body parts survived), I really empathize with people's grief.
And now.....was I so mistaken? All this time....when I thought I was listening to God....when I thought this was His wonderful plan for me.....when I was striving to fulfill that plan....when I was constantly in contact with Him.....what does it mean? Was He even there? Was I only hearing myself?? I don't get it. And every time I had a failure, I would learn something new.....and I thought that was why God had me go through the failure....to add more to my knowledge base in order to make me a better nurse. I was going to specialize in mental health, so what better way to learn than to go through as many experiences as possible. But now.....I'm not going to be a nurse. I can't even go to secretarial school if I wanted to!!!! (But hit me over the head with an anvil if I want to go there!!! Lol!). I can never do anything for my kids or society.
I just don't know. I guess writing helps to get the confusion out of my system. I just don't know where to go from here.
God bless,
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:323847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040316/msgs/327067.html