Posted by akc on August 13, 2001, at 7:59:27
In reply to Re: More on aloneness, posted by mila on August 12, 2001, at 23:50:08
milo,
> ... wow, let me join you in your regret... do you feel like it would be wholesome to tell them now that you regret that it happened and that you have some fond memories of your times together? Maybe there is another way to forgive yourself, but I see this one as a proper way. Even if you'll never reconnect with them again, you'll get it off your chest.
I have tried to locate one person. This is a good AA principle -- making amends (the 9th step). In fact, it is my understanding that she is here in KC. She was my closest friend, and I hurt her deeply with my actions. Unfortunately, she has a common last name, and I have never been able to find her.
> AKC, from the dream I had 2 days ago I got a powerful insight: people are not what they believe, they believe what they feel. You are a very passionate person and that probably made you friends with those people from church, not the shared dogma. From my personal experience I'd say that fundamentalists ( I know only Russian Ortodox and Roman Catholics) are very pure and passionate people, you can count on them in every situation. Or maybe I just got lucky. I am so greatful for all the good the church has done to my family. I get tired from ceremonies, and I do not frequent them today, but Faith is the greatest thing ever 'invented' by the humankind. It keeps the sense of the mystery alive.
>My spiritual journey has been complex. From the age of 16 to 28, I was involved in the fundamentalistic side of christianity -- not a good mix with my lesbianism. They kinda said that made me a sinner and all and would lead me on a path to hell. As you can imagine, that messed with my head. Finally, I was able to make a healthy choice, not a running away choice (I had tried that), and was able to turn away from those beliefs. Then, when I decided to get sober three years ago, I turned back to christianity as my choice of a higher power for AA. But when my mental illness got so bad 2 years ago, things got confusing again. I am now stuck in a loop -- I either believe in some sort of higher power (and not necessarily Christian) that I am very, very pissed at or I don't believe at all. It is difficult and confusing for me right now. And it is hard to be at AA and Alanon because those are very spiritual based programs.
> > Ever since those two decisions, I have never had friends the same as then.
>
> Do you know why? (besides moving, changing careers, and health problems?)Those three are the big reasons, but I think there is much more. I think I am having some big trust issues. I think some big stuff from my childhood is really raising its ugly head right now -- more so than ever.
> >
> AKC, do everything in your power to find love. do not mind sex just for today. One of the sentences from Andrew Solomon that struck me most is where he says that sex on antidepressants is next to impossible that is unless you are deeply in love with your darling.
>I am determined to finish that book! < g > (I'm still at page 110 - I haven't read at all since this spell has started). Trust me, sex is not even an issue right now. Ever since I have been on Effexor, I have had absolutely no libido (I shake my head in wonderment that Willow's sex drive has increased on this med!). I think my romantic notion that I have fixated upon is the idea that there is someone for me that can hold me at night when I need to be held. That is what I am so desparate for right now -- and something I have never had.
>
> yes a masseuse is a female :)I asked because I am uneasy about having a man touch my body. While my dad only physically abused me, I still have issues with certain types of contact. So how do I go about finding a masseuse versus a massage therapist?
AKC
poster:akc
thread:9358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010812/msgs/9410.html