Posted by akc on August 13, 2001, at 12:24:08
In reply to Re: More on aloneness - AKC, posted by Kingfish on August 13, 2001, at 10:24:09
> > Wow, what a wonderful and caring thread!
>
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> I wouldn't go back to friends from that realm in your life, but that's just me. Mila speaks of a purity in fundamentalists that I think you do find in the Catholic Church, but not in many Evangelicals. And re: that part of AA - that's what would probably always keep me from it, so I'm impressed you've been able to work with that.
>The AA thing is a interesting thing for me right now. I am not working the program, that is the steps. I don't know if I would go if I did not have to. As part of my deal with the Supreme Courts of Missouri and Kansas to get my law licenses, I have agreed to go to two meetings a week. I have to get a form signed and all. This is worse than any court-ordered dwi type thing. And I have never seen any other lawyer have to do this. I have to believe it is not my drinking that landed me in this. I think it is my mental illness. When this all happened two years ago (for Missouri which Kansas piggy-backed on last year), I was in the midst of suicidal hell. I had no energy (nor funds) to fight the battle. Nor have I since then.
So I make the best of it. I find those in AA and Alanon right now I want to know better. And I try to avoid those who would preach to me. Like Saturday morning, I had those saying you just got fake it til you make it, talking about God and prayer and so forth. One of my newer friends, a lesbian, actual said some of that. I called her later and had a long talk about where I am at. I think she heard - she shared with me her 7 years out of the program and all.
> I want to go get a massage now - perhaps we all should, including Kazoo?
>
> I don't know that I completely agree with the making amends part of AA, but then I probably don't understand it. I personally would rather forge ahead and work on where you are now with friendships, such as getting into the resident lesbian community, rather than visit the past. I don't know what happened with you, but drawing from my own meager experience, I wouldn't try to make amends with a friend I cut off years ago. Perhaps I will get my hand slapped here though.
I am definitely not going back to my friends from the church past. I don't owe any amends there. The friend I do owe is from my lesbian past -- who my church said I had to cut off. The AA thing for me works on this issue -- but I also think on this one, if it is to happen it will. I haven't spent any time on it in a long while. Please noone -- don't slap K's hands! :)
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> We all have only so much energy and you are being pulled many, many ways. I have to remind myself of this constantly. And I don't have as much energy as most people. I, like Susan, am using your posts selfishly, thinking about this now.Use Away!!
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> So your work is taking up a lot of energy. I'm guessing your home situation is O.K. because you're at the same location you've been at for awhile. Your SELF needs a lot of energy right now. So maybe there's not a great deal left over for relationships at this moment. So maybe you just need to find a little something you can do, maybe once a week, to start building that part of your life until you can put more energy into that category. (This is just me thinking aloud, and, yes, quite selfishly). Is it, going to a poetry reading? (By the way, I, too, suck at meeting strangers.) Or, taking a one night a week creative class of some sort? (Again, I'm helping myself here. Have lived in Woodstock for a year, and only know one person).
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> It can't take up much time. Because You need that time right now, it seems. Remember, if you plan in being in KC for awhile, you do have lots of time to connect. And even a little step might make you feel like you're on your way.
>The work things is the problem. But I'll save that for another post.
Thanks for your thoughts -- keep them coming. They are helping me think clearer.
AKC
poster:akc
thread:9358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010812/msgs/9439.html