Posted by cricket on August 17, 2005, at 19:44:44
In reply to Re: Terrible Session, posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2005, at 18:13:55
> Okay... So... I get a bit worried about some of the things I say sometimes. Not sure whether I am helping or harming.
>
> Sometimes I really don't know what I'm talking about. For example... That stuff about not needing to dig. That all lies open to view. I really have no idea where on earth I read that. I have no idea how reputable the source was, what their rationale for saying it was, whether there is consensus on that issue or not, whether there is a better rationale for an opposing pov. All I know is that it sounds reasonable to me, but then all I really know is that digging HURTS. And I do have a tendancy to rationalise...
>
> So I don't know...
>
Well you helped me feel better and that's what Babble is about :-)
And I always find your opinions very interesting even if you don't remember the exact source of your information. So no fears there. But if you ever do run across anything on dreaming about alters I would love to hear about it.> > Yeah, just part. There is another part that wants to curse him out. "Yo, get your head out of your b*tt. I show up each and every f***ing week, no matter what, because I think you're stupid. What kind of half a**ed logic is that."
> > Okay, maybe I won't let that part out anytime soon ;-)
>
> Yeah. Thats hard. Contraries, opposing view points. If there is a part that is afraid he will think her stupid... Then it may well be that there is another part that thinks he bloody well is stupid. Because parts tend to exemplify polar views. So maybe the Jung stuff is on to something after all... But teasing out the parts can be hard... And it can be hard if you just end up with a muddle of all kinds of opposing views. So very hard to make sense of it all...
>
> I rationalise. My main defence. And my form of escape is to go away and rationalise something. The trouble is that I'm pretty good at it (if I do say so myself) and mostly manage to convince myself that I'm right. But its poorly motivated :-( I worry about that some. That my writing on DID isn't as objective as it should be for an academic piece because I have an agenda to push. Because I'm personally involved. Because I appreciate some of the consequence of what I'm saying. Because I'm careful to avoid the stuff that hurts.
>
I don't know about that Alex. I think you have a perspective and a passion to understand DID that a non-DID person couldn't ever have (call it agenda if you like, but I would think of it as motivation). I think you would be more objective actually. There's so much at stake, right?> Yeah. Thats hard. I feel like that mostly with p-docs. Hard to know how much to push and how much to respect that 'cause maybe its something they need to do for their sanity... Then I guess there is also the point about how some people want / need to have faith in their clinician. To feel like they are competent and in control and they know what to do and know what they are doing. And how much it is okay for them to say that they don't know. Hard to find the balance...
>
That reminded me once a long time ago he said to me, "Sometimes I don't know how to help you." I think he immediately regretting saying it, but it is definitely one of my favorite things he ever said. So I guess I take honest and genuine over competent and in control any day.> > Yeah, I think it may be a sensitivity to the formality
>
> Sounds like the formality is an issue.
>
>
> Have been thinking about this...
> Maybe what I want sometimes is for someone to really walk beside me for a while.Yes!
> And, for me, part of that is them feeling stuff alongside me.
> But then most of my feeling states are horrible.
> And so thats a big ask.
> It has to be draining.
> And so they pull back.
> And I can't say I blame them.
> And how fair is it to ask them to walk beside me anyways
> When its such a horrible walk
> I don't know
> :-(
> Sorry... My stuff... Not being very helpful again
> <sigh>
>
No, my stuff too and I'm feeling the same way.
> I think that sometimes I need to be extra nice. To say how much I appreciate them. To do little things to show them. Because I am so hard to work with :-( And its too easy for them to feel disheartened. But its hard.
>
> > Yes, I hope I can. Even if we decide not to work together anymore, he certainly did try. For more than three years he tried and that's more than anyone else in the world ever has.
>
> :-)
> You might want to tell him that.
>
Yeah, I hope I can.
> Sounds like its the coolness that you are having a hard time with...
>
And the fact that he got so upset (and yeah the hurt was cloaked in a cool lecture on attachment theory and negative transference) about something so unintentional on my part. I don't want to have to walk on eggshells around him. Then neither of us is being genuine.
poster:cricket
thread:542514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/543168.html