Posted by cricket on August 16, 2005, at 15:10:41
I haven't been posting hardly at all. Everytime I start to respond to someone I get about three sentences into the post and I decide I have no idea what I'm talking about and I cancel the posting.
So I hardly feel worthy of support these days, but I've just had a terrible session and don't really know what to do with it.
It was all about a dream and I was so stupid to tell him about it :-(
I dreamt that one of my alters (a very timid girl) got a phone message from my therapist for her to call him. She kept trying to reach him but she's not really used to using the phone or anything so kept calling the wrong number. Then when she got through and it was him, she got confused and thought maybe it wasn't and hung up. Then she was so embarrassed to try again but she did and this time she got his assistant who said he was right there. She was confused what the assistant meant and asked if she should hold on the line. Then my therapist voice came over the phone but he wasn't talking to my alter, he was giving a public speech in Spanish (which my therapist doesn't speak in real life) and in the speech he said (in spanish):
Today we are going to talk about the time of the child. From the beginning, we should understand that the child is stupid
The alter felt like she was eavesdropping at this point so she hung up.
So my therapist's interpretation:
I think he is stupid. (from his words the child is stupid in the dream)
There's a huge gap between us. (He asked me what his spanish sounded like in the dream and I said like Don Quijote not like the New York street spanish I use).
I don't think he is genuine. He puts up some officious front like a social secretary and that's all I get. (From when the alter did get through, she got some sort of assistant who manages his affairs and the only part of him she got was a lecture).
My therapist was very upset. He said there are things revealed by this dream which it is hard to discuss in any context. I was bracing to hear them but then he ended the session.
I think what he wanted to say was I'm really not capable of doing this work. He edged toward them by saying "You think you are hopeless. You think therapy is the stupidest thing in the world. You wonder why the h*** you are here." He said all this with such coldness that it felt as if he had put "I" in the place of the yous.
This doesn't feel like something we can recover from. I don't think he is stupid, and I can tell him that, but he won't believe me. He did say, "You think I'm stupid to think you might be something other than stupid," which is true. I can't deny that.
I just hope it's over next week. I just hope he terminates me quickly. He did say, "You want a mercy killing, don't you. Just kill you and get it over with." So maybe it will be swift.
Any thoughts?
poster:cricket
thread:542514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/542514.html