Posted by gardenergirl on April 18, 2005, at 9:20:00
I've been sitting on this since Thursday, trying to make some sense. Plus, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, which tells me this is a transference reaction. The hills are really big and really scary.
Thursday I had my usual session. I started off by telling him that I wanted to hold off on making a decision to going twice a week as we had recently been discussing, because I wanted to get my meds straightened out first. No sense changing more than one variable in the treatment picture at one time, I thought. That's all I really had to say about that, but he had a number of questions. Whatever.
Then I went on to talk about what was bothering me that week...which he pretty much blew off. Not like him at all. Tried to keep talking, and he seemed to get frustrated, because he kept interrupting me. He's been doing this more and more over the last few weeks. It's so annoying, especially because he admits he's interrupting! Now like the nice and submissive client, I let him, then I tend to get mad when he doesn't "get" what I am trying to say. Well he never lets me say it! And if he thinks he knows, like he's going to finish my sentence or something, he isn't right. Arrrgh! This is so frustrating. (And it parallels something that tends to happen IRL).
We got back to symptoms and such, and he told me no wonder I was feeling so yucky--I have clinical depression. For some reason, hearing him say this kind of hurt. Other times in the past when I had a recurrence and he recognized it, it was a validation. Tried to get back into the session, but he finally stopped and said that I had to make a choice (felt like ultimatum to me). Is my depression medical or psychological? If it's medical, he "can't help me." Can you believe he would say that in the same session that he would acknowledge that I'm doing worse?
He went on to "chastise" me (it felt like) for talking too much from my head and not about feelings. He can't help me if I talk about meds all the time. Um, wasn't he the one who asked all the damned questions? And when I tried to talk about feelings in this session, he either dismissed them, or he actually, I'm sure didn't hear them.
And to top it all off, at the end, when I literally was standing up and getting ready to walk out, he asked, "You aren't suicidal, are you?" Sheesh, what if the answer had been yes?
I so feel like he kicked me when I was already down. And I can't quite believe the emotions. Friday I was barely functional. Saturday was a bit better, but when I was getting my massage, I couldn't relax at all, and couldn't stop thinking about it. What a waste of money. I honestly considered cancelling my remaining appointments.
I just can't believe that he could and did hurt me like this. I can't imagine how therapy can ever feel safe again. I am also just so darned angry. I go back and forth from sobbing to just wanting to quit to wanting to tell him off.
This morning I see pdoc, and I woke up sick to my stomach.
Lordy, why now? Why at all?
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:485802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/485802.html