Posted by gardenergirl on April 22, 2005, at 10:32:11
In reply to Safe place, posted by littleone on April 21, 2005, at 21:23:59
Hi again,
Saw him yesterday. Boy was it hard to sit in the waiting room. The longer I waited, and I'm sure it was only a few minutes, the more I wanted to just bolt. And on the way there, a couple of times I had this weird throat closing thing go on. Hmm, you think I'm not sure what to say? Anxious? But my throat just closed up a bit like a gag reflex or a very forceful gulp. Kind of freaky when the body misbehaves like that, but always an interesting source of information.So anyway, I sit down and look at him, and I just know he has no clue. Damn it! I know this is a fantasy, but I really wanted him to KNOW, somehow. I started by commenting on how bad I thought last session went, and then I acted out a bit. :) I asked him to tell me what his reactions to the session were or if he had thought about it at all before I told him mine. Of course he wouldn't do that. "I want to hear your reactions." Dude, I've lived with mine for a week. But he won this round. So I launched into it.
I must have said several times that I no longer felt safe. The only way I could adequately describe was that it was like I was perched on a high narrow pole with just nothing around me. No safety net, no stairs down, nothing to hold onto...and it feels like a storm is coming. I really really really don't want to fall.
He never really acknowledged saying any of the things I said hurt me. He didn't deny them, but he just never focused on his own behavior--just my reactions. He even tried humor a couple of times, and when I didn't even crack a smile, I think he realized it was pretty bad.
So his whole interpretation of things was so unsatisfying. He is psychoanalytic, and his whole take was that I somehow needed him to be "the bad guy", and somehow I caused this to happen. Can you hear part of me screaming in rage? Another part of me (the clinically trained part) is saying, hmmmmm, that's kind of interesting. I wonder if I do that with other folks. And a third part, I suppose the whole me, or perhaps the emotional me (interesting comparison..) is saying, well, that may be true, but it still sucks. I want comfort, and I want you to be a human being and admit that you have your own feelings too, that may have bled into the session.
Grrrrrr
About the medical versus psychological issue. My dog, he said he "thought long and hard before making that statement." Think a bit longer, dude. I asked him a couple of times what he meant, but I suppose I set myself up for not getting a good answer because in my question I told him it was b*llshit. He finally said he thinks that I was overemphasizing the medical. I said again that he was the one asking all the questions, and he didn't really comment on that. Grrrr
About the am I suicidal question at the end. He admitted it probably came across "flip", but he said, "I probably also sensed that you weren't." And of course if my answer were yes, we would have sat back down and dealt with it. Not sure I would have...I was out the door without confirming my next appt. Highly unusual for me. I ALWAYS confirm, even though we tend to have a standing.
So he talked more about going to twice a week and what it might entail. I finally told him I felt like he was always warning me off when he did this. Interesting, he thought I said "warding me off." And he launched into this story about another client that I don't quite get, but it had to do with him somehow never allowing the client to get into "scary stuff". And he said sometimes the T does unconsciously avoid going deeper with a client because it's "scary for the T" too. But that's why he gets paid. Grrrrrrrr.
Basically, I think he's pleased, because now we're "mixing it up." And that is what needs to happen.
I really hate this.
Oh, and I didn't talk about anything health-related. Didn't even tell him about my damn toe. Didn't update him about my pdoc appt. which was another interesting experience, although not nearly as intense.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:485802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/487871.html