Posted by gardenergirl on April 29, 2005, at 8:21:22
In reply to Re: long answer to your short question » mair, posted by daisym on April 28, 2005, at 19:15:33
I went into yesterday's session feeling less nervous than last week, but still not relaxed like I usually am. I told him about all the emotions I had felt at different times over the week: sadness and sorrow, anger, fear, confusion, etc. One thing I told him I think really struck him, and kind of led him to change his stance a bit. I told him how I woke up very early one morming and was remembering last week's session. I started to cry remembering, because at one point when I was crying very hard in the session, he shifted rather signficantly in his chair. I wasn't looking at him at the time, but I flinched anyway. I don't know what I thought he was doing, but I had this flash in my head that he was going to get up and come over to me. This scared me. And remembering it made me feel very sad. He wondered if I thought he was coming over to harm me, but actually, I think what went through my head was that he might be coming over to soothe me. But yet I flinched and didn't want him near me. (And he wouldn't get up anyway...it would be so foreign).
Anyway, his tone of voice seemed much softer and gentler the rest of the session. I also told him that one of the things I thought I wanted from him but couldn't name last week was soothing. And how feeling that need later in the week felt very primal and infantile to me. It was upsetting that I wanted soothing from him and yet I didn't want him near me. I suspect that I might have been like that as an infant and toddler, too. Insecure attachment?
And then I just put my head back on the couch, closed my eyes, and said "I'm so screwed up!" He usually would challenge that, and I did look at him and say "I know I come by it honestly" but...And then I really started to cry because I just felt like there is nothing that can make up for this pain. You can't go back and fix it. And that is just devastating. I felt a bit safer this session, which is good considering what a blubbery mess I was. Slighly emotionally held. So we are making our way back to relationship.
I also asked him about the transference thing and said I just didnt' understand how I could have been responsible for the whole mess by "needing him to be the bad guy." He adamantly swears that he never said it was all my fault, but rather there were two people in the room. And he admitted that in reflecting about it over the last week (don't you love to hear that your T thinks about you between sessions?), he thinks his comment about making me choose between a medical or psychological approach "might have been sadistic." (Ya think?) At any rate, I had been thinking along the lines that if I did spark this thing off, it would be masochistic of me to "need" conflict in order to get movement out of a rut. Grrrrrr
And we agreed to go to twice a week in a couple of weeks when his schedule opens up. He was very very careful to make sure I understood that it was a schedule issue that was holding it up. I can see why he'd be careful, if I am only hanging onto negative messages lately.
sigh. Needed a significant nap after this one.
But feel better today.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:485802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/491376.html