Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 16:13:34
In reply to Re: Girl, you have to start getting some sleep! » Karen_kay, posted by Elle2021 on January 9, 2004, at 14:15:44
Don't you hate it when you lose a post. And they are always the caring, insightful ones too. So, when you rewrite them, they end up being spiteful and angry. Right????
Manic episodes aren't usually so fun for me. Well, they are at the time. It's just that the aftermath isn't quite so fun. I'm notorious for spending money I don't have, ending up completely naked in public (and I mean Main Street at 4 pm in Small Town, USA), I'm highly suseptable to suggestion and my sister knows it. That's what bothers me. She knows that I do things that just aren't right and she persists in leading me to continue doing them. But, I still love her. Hypomania I do enjoy. I'm productive and enjoyable to be around. My friends call me "Fun Karen" when I'm hypomanic. I can stay up until 2 am working on a project and them party until 6. Then sleep for a few hours and make it to a 10 am class and still pay attention! It's amazing, simply amazing. Only with that soon comes a manic cycle, and that's where the trouble comes. That's where I start pacing, hallucinating and just losing touch with reality altogether.
But, I truly would take a manic episode over depression ANYDAY! Honestly!You didn't offend me by talking about my hair at all! I even explain it to my sisters, who see me! I even curl the ends at times. It was strange, my therapist last session remarked that I got a haircut (because I curled the ends out). I just ignored him. Is that rude you think? I didn't get a hair cut and didn't feel like wasting my time going into the details of styling tips with him. So, I simply said no and he persisted saying that it looked shorter and so I just sat there and finally when he saw I wasn't going to comment any further he said, "Well, it looks nice anyway." Hello, if I was going to get it cut, I'd get the roots touched up as well. I felt like pointing that out to him, but I didn't want to point out the fact that my roots were showing in case he didn't notice. But, anyway you didn't offend me. I know you think my hair is ratty and that I must have spiders living in my hair. As a matter of fact I do, and I may invite some of them over to your house if you don't choose your words more carefully! I don't know why I found the comment about the weave funny, I just did. It is odd sometimes what I find funny and what I don't. At the time that just struck me as funny. I guess because I don't have a weave?? I don't know.
I had a hard time opening up to my therapist. An extremely hard time!!!!! I think that what helps is learning why you have such a hard time opening up. You say it is the fear that you will be judged. Do you have a good relationship with your Pdoc? I feared that too, at first. I still do, to an extent. But he's there to help you. Maybe you could start off with something small. A small secret that you wouldn't want him to know but if he did it wouldn't be the end of the world.
I know that what helped me was the fact that I had to be in control, because as a child I had none. So, my therapist picked up on this and let me lead the sessions for about 3 months. We basically chit-chatted and didn't get anywhere honestly, but it helped create a bond and helped prove to me that he wasn't there to be a "control hound" or to order me around. After that, I started having nightmares and flashbacks and remembering things and he took control back. But, before he gave me control, we weren't getting anywhere. I just sat there and looked at him with contempt. I felt like he was there to control me, not to help me. That's the approach that helped me. But that's not the situation you're in..... Sorry, rambling...How long have you been seeing your Pdoc? And what is the relationship like? Has he ever judged you before? So, why do you think he would now? I'm reading "In Session" right now and it's very enlightening. I'm beginning to realize that if I really want to tackle my problems, I have to face them head-on. So, I ask you, if your problem is with intimacy, is it that you are afraid that your Pdoc will judge you or are you afraid to let him know your intimate thoughts and feelings? (Am I off base here?) What better way to learn to be intimate, not sexually of course, then with someone who is safe?
He's not going to judge you. He will challenge you, yes! And it will be hard. But just htink of the rewards.
I know what you mean about wanting to know what is wrong with you. One time I asked my therapist, "Do you think something is wrong with me?" and he said, "Well, you're here." Not the answer I was looking for! And I always go in and ask him if he thinks I have antisocial personality disorder, or who would play me in my own made-for-TV movie, or what type of car I would be... I always have some type of question for him. It was sweet, last night I had a nightmare about him and I was terrified and I called him today to make sure he was ok adn he said that he was frustrated because a meeting was canceled but he'd be better if he had a client like me today :) It's the little things like that, you know! He even offered me an appointment today to talk aobut the dream, but I didn't have makeup on and I'm just a pain! I can't go anywhere without makeup.... Of course I didn't say that. Just politely declined and said I'd be fine. I hate having nightmares because those are the only dreams I remember :(
Sometimes it's strange that we know our dreams and what they mean. And it's also nice to have a different perspective on them too. What bothers me is when the shrink thinks they are right, no matter what (I'm not suggesting yours does this). Mine is always open to interpretation. I'm glad! I bet that dream was visual though with the black coat and the white snow. The drastic difference in your appearance and the appearance of the background. Does that mean anything to you?
Shorty still isn't going to group, so I suspect they'll cut her off of her meds soon. And I found out last night she did cut herself because she didn't get vodka. But, she was getting drunk last night when I talked to her. I would call the dr except that I don't trust they'll keep it confidential. I know the place she goes and I really don't trust the work they do.
Awaiting your reply,
Karen
poster:Karen_kay
thread:296222
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/298745.html