Posted by rayww on September 11, 2003, at 16:14:30
In reply to Re: Being Alone, posted by Heather66 on September 10, 2003, at 18:56:32
> I must admit I was not sure what you were talking about earlier until you asked the question specifically step by step to name a pain - one that is not the main one - and I can see there is a bit of value in that. Is the goal to then focus on the present?
In my own experience, I knew I had deep pain but I couldn't identify where it was coming from. It seemed to be linked to my father's death some 30 years earlier. My emotions seemed to be doing cartwheels too, feeling opposite to what I should. I had to find my emotions and straighten them out, and stop disassociating myself from them.
>>>>When the telemareketing calls never end and I get them calling over and over - am I supposed to focus on how angry I am that these people are calling my house and I have no control over it at all.
<<OK think about this one. How much anger should a telemarketer really deserve? A two minute phone call? A person you have never met?
>>>Am I supposed to be extemely angry only at the telemarketer now and not be angry and depressed that my best friend is now gone for four years and my life is miserable without him?
Your "extreme" anger is rooted in your best friend loss, and if this telemarketer opens the conduit to your deep pain, it's gonna rain. Your friend loss may likely be rooted to an even earlier one. Try to recal your earliest memory of a similar "emotion". As a child, a lost toy or puppy might have taught you how to deal with or not deal with loss. Ruts form even in the womb.
>
> Or if I take a physical pain - then am I supposed to focus all my energy on the fact that I stubbed my toe on the weight bench (that I never use) again. And then cry from the pain in my toe instead of cry about my ex-best friend and lover?
Again, the pain conduit is opened, and you are going to cry about your friend, even though you think you are just sad about your broken toe. It takes focus to lay down, put your hand over your heart or someplace to make a connection to yourself, as it helps you remember not to leave (dissasociate) and channel the painful loss thoughts. Make a connection betwen your broken toe, which is going to hurt for a long time, but will get better, and the pain you feel for your lost friend. Now, make yourself feel that pain for your friend. Rest with it as long as you can, forcing all your thoughts inside. Make sure you don't look at this from the outside of your body. Close your eyes. While feeling and pressing on the pain look at the bright light inside your eyes and try to love yourself. It helps if you have a love-yourself image from your first recollection of love as a child that you can cling to (pet, doll, toy, etc) Now, rest there, press on that painful emotion for as long as you can. Just as when you massage a knot out of your back, massaging your emotions like this will ease this pain too.Self pity comes from standing on the outside looking at ourself, and it makes us vulnerable. Feeling sorry for our situation is not the same as feeling our situation.
>
> Maybe a couple more steps spelled out simply will help.There's a couple.
This is about healing past pain using present circumstances to reach it.
poster:rayww
thread:257875
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/259134.html