Posted by Dena on September 5, 2003, at 18:39:49
In reply to Re: My friend is dead! » Dena, posted by heather66 on September 5, 2003, at 15:04:57
Dear Heather -
Yes, I have experienced loss. Three weeks ago, I miscarried my baby, very unexpectedly. (the "story" of my miscarriage can be found in Psycho Babble Faith: The past four weeks: good bad news Dena 8/13/03)
Some say, "Well, you didn't even know your baby, hadn't seen or held him, so it wasn't really a loss - besides, something was wrong with 'it' so you should be glad your body got rid of 'it'." (yes, I've actually been told that) So, part of me hesitates to compare it with the grief of others who have lost a spouse, friend, parent, child, someone they knew, held, spoke to...
And yet, I did feel, am feeling, genuine grief. I wanted & loved this baby very much. I believe in the sanctity of life from the moment of conception until natural death, & I already "knew" this child - he was & is real to me. A tiny little body, yes, but a full-sized soul.
I know grief can't be measured, it's not tangible, & it can't be compared against the grief of another. But, once experienced, the eyes & the heart of the griever become opened to the suffering of others.
Maybe you're wondering why I feel able/ready to offer comfort to others when it's been "only three weeks". I certainly thought I'd be grieving (in the wrenching pain stage) for a lot longer.I think in some way, I was prepared for my loss. I have seven children (besides the baby I lost), & the odds just go up that something bad will happen to one of them during their lifetime. I believe in God, & I asked Him long ago to prepare me for whatever I'd have to face in the future.
When I started to miscarry (but wasn't sure it was happening yet), I prayed for strength. When I was told that my baby was dead (& had been for two weeks), I felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach. I went numb. Shock, I suppose. Then I had to go through the motions of calling my husband from the waiting room (full of happy people) on my cell phone - he was stuck across the country on a business trip. Later, while I was being held by friends at church, I fell apart & grieved like I'd never known I could. It went deep, & brought up old, unresolved wounds from the past with it.
I heard a teaching once on grief from the ancient Jewish perspective. The Jewish people are very "whole person" oriented - they don't separate mind/heart/soul/emotions, etc. When they feel, it's with the whole person. So, when they grieve, they go all out. They even hire professional mourners to help them to really vent their grief. They believe (& psychology has proven it to be true) that if a grieving person lets go of their grief, & completely gives it freedom of expression (wailing, sobbing, pulling their hair, ripping their clothes, very dramatic), then their grieving will be short-lived. And, on the other hand, when a grieving person becomes stoic, shoving their grief down inside (maybe because no one will help them grieve), or tries to postpone their grief, the grief internalizes... it almost festers like an infection, & it poisons the whole person, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sometimes even physically.
So, after my miscarriage, my priest reminded me of this lesson, & he prayed that my grief would be deep, thorough & brief.
And that's what happened to me. I grieved like a dying animal (not so much that I made myself do anything, as I just gave myself complete permission to fall apart). It helped that I was with people who loved me, people I trusted to be with me while I was so vulnerable. Whenever I tried to shut down, they encouraged me to focus on my pain.
For the next week, I was on a sort of auto-pilot. I just did what I had to do (having 7 children to care for while one's husband is away doesn't leave much time to curl up in a ball). I sensed that I was being carried through the process of grieving. Because of my faith in God, I turned to Him for comfort (as well as to the other people in my church). Learning I could really trust Him when I needed to caused my faith in Him to grow.
You asked about medication. I've been on lexapro for a few months (before that I've been on celexa & paxil since I had post-partum depression after the birth of my 4th baby 7 years ago). I don't know how much effect it had on my grief, because I was certainly able to mourn, & then to let go. I'm still sad, but the pain has passed. There's a huge difference.
I'm not currently in counseling, but it helped tremendously to meet with my internist. Rather than examine me, we talked & prayed for an hour and a half (he shares my faith). I was feeling guilt because of having used some dangerous chemicals during my pregnancy without proper precautions (I'm an artist), & he helped me to resolve that. It was so healing to have someone really empathasize with me, really understand what I felt & thought, & to assure me that all the "crazy thinking" was perfectually natural. I can't stress enough the release I felt in being loved by others who let me feel & express my pain.
My husband was away while this was happening (he was able to come home four days after the miscarriage) & that was very hard on us both. In fact, he hasn't yet been able to grieve - I've noticed that he's become extremely irritable & explosive with anger since we lost the baby (grief turned sideways?).
When I was a young adult (I'm "only" 41 now), I experienced several back to back tragedies. I lost my favorite aunt, my grandfather, my boyfriend, my best friend & my dog (!) within a short period of time. I didn't know God then, didn't have any sort of relationship with Him & didn't know how to turn to Him. I internalized my grief - I never mourned. Is it just a coincidence that I spent the next 21 years battling with severe bulimia? Did I purge over & over in an attempt to get my grief out?
I don't have a formula, per se, but I can tell you firsthand the stark difference between trying to grieve on my own & grieving with the support of my God, my family & my friends.
I recently heard that grief is the only emotion which, when released, heals all other emotions. It sounds true to me.
I wish you peace, & release from your pain!
Shalom, Dena
poster:Dena
thread:257122
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/257403.html