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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
Why can't I trust that the peace I feel today isn't a wave of hypomania? I regard my mood today with wary eyes, certain that if I give in to it and smile, start a project, initiate some healthy actions (diet, exercise)that I will promptly fall on my ample behind, then slide back down in my pit of blackness.
Oh, never mind me. I should change my posting name to Eyore.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on May 3, 2004, at 11:06:00
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
I know that feeling, rainyday. The feeling where you're actually afraid to not be afraid, afraid to trust something good, afraid to feel "better" today because you know it'll just mean that much further to fall tomorrow when you "crash back to normal".
It's a horrible feeling, and it takes the enjoyment out of whatever respite you have right now. Instead of feeling bad about feeling bad, you're feeling bad about feeling good because "good" holds promise that is taken away from you, while "bad" is what it is. "Bad" can become "worse", but at least "bad" is known, is mostly safe, and holds no false promises of hope or happiness.
I truly do know how that feels.
My advice is to embrace whatever good comes your way, and to hold on to it when it gets dark again. Small embers of hope, tiny shards of light... take from today what you can and keep with you. I know, it's a lot of words. It's hard to "live" it. I was given those words many times by people who cared for me, and I'll be honest... those words didn't mean anything to me until I stopped being afraid of hope.
I always felt "punished" for having hope, because I would have a good day, I would feel better, I would embrace it and think that maybe I was out of the woods... and then *SLAM* back into the darkness, now with the additional hurt of having lost hope again.
It's a difficult place to be. Some people totally do not get it, and cannot understand that some days it's actually easier to live in the relative comfort and normalcy of "bad", because at least it is the same thing over and over. "Good" also meant change, upheaval... a stress in itself.
I truly hope you can take something good and positive from today and keep it.
-Scott
Posted by jlynne on May 3, 2004, at 11:24:40
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
Hey, Rainy . . . a day of "better" is one less day of "bad".
I"ve had two days of better now (took a med vacation), but am getting ready to take my lexapro, and I'm pretty sure that today won't be as good as yesterday.
BUT . . . I know that today won't be as bad as last February, before I started my meds - and last February wasn't as bad as 25 yrs ago:~)
((((Rainyday))))
...jlynne
Posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 11:32:07
In reply to Re: Am I better or is this an illusion? » rainyday, posted by Scott in Vermont on May 3, 2004, at 11:06:00
Thanks, Scott. I know I should be grateful for what peace I do find. I think my distrust of it is another expression of my anxiety. It seems to be chasing around picking new bits of myself to tear apart.
I made it to work today. I have not cried. My bad hair day is not so very bad. I don't have to take my ambien to sleep any more, but I don't remember any dreams right now. I usually (pre depression and mania) have lucid, colourful dreams, and I miss them when they stay submerged.
Since starting this round of therapy I find I am exploring all sorts of directions: creatively, spritually, emotionally - the whole ball of wax. I'm so fragmented in my approach that I'm afraid I'm not getting the benefit of any of them.
My goal for this week is not to ruin my period of smooth sailing by capsizing into a bottle of gin.
Posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 11:34:41
In reply to Re: Am I better or is this an illusion? » rainyday, posted by jlynne on May 3, 2004, at 11:24:40
Thanks, jlynne. I just find the ups and downs while consistently taking my meds to be alarming. But I AM keeping track of better and worse days, and the better ones are in the lead.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2004, at 11:56:52
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
I think life is full of forwards and backwards for everyone, even those without problems. I think we just worry more about the backs and don't trust the forwards as much.
Enjoy feeling better. In the end, today is all we have. If you feel worse tomorrow, you'll have missed today worrying about it. If you feel fine forever more, you'll have missed today worrying about it.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on May 3, 2004, at 12:52:43
In reply to Maybe I'll take the illusion for now » Scott in Vermont, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 11:32:07
"I made it to work today. I have not cried. My bad hair day is not so very bad. I don't have to take my ambien to sleep any more..."
All victories! All drawn from a well of strength. None of the above just "happened"... you played a part in concious decision to make those things happen.
The fact that you still get up each day means (to me) that you're still interested in winning this battle. That's huge. And I respect that. Any effort to put your life back on track to where you feel comfortable is to be celebrated.
Any chance on partially cloudy? :)
-Scott
Posted by Penny on May 3, 2004, at 12:55:04
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
I do the same thing, rainyday, but lately, the 'up' feeling has lasted for a while. Which is strange...
And yet, I still live from day to day wondering when it will all come crashing down again. And if I slip even a wee bit, I panic. Because I don't miss that dark place. Not one iota.
My T tells me, though, to try to not worry about losing a positive mood, to just enjoy it while it lasts. Because you don't know - perhaps this *is* the beginning of an upward (stable) trend.
P
Posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 14:11:59
In reply to Re: Am I better or is this an illusion? » rainyday, posted by Penny on May 3, 2004, at 12:55:04
I guess my beef is that I used to be such a positive person, strong, confident, and peaceful within myself. When those attributes were stolen by my depression and anxiety,I became really angry too. Now when I get glimpses of the "old" me, I become hopeful that I might again become her. I think I have to accept that the ups and downs are part of the new me. And I completely agree that all the positives I listed for today still hold true, and that's a good thing.
FWIW, my p-doc did increase my meds slightly after my visit today. I have had visits with her when I could say, "I feel better that I have in months" and "No panic attacks in 2 days" and we both agree that we're on the right track medication wise. She also gets to see me like I am today: discouraged by being down and afraid of going deeper. She also understands my desire to be able to function highly at work. This IS the source of much of my anxiety, but slowly it is being addressed. It's all so tumbled together: confidence, confrontation avoidance, outbursts of anger, inconsolable sadness. I feel like Maurice Marceau doing all his faces at once.
My wish is to be grateful for all the good things I feel and that I'm thankful for. I have done a lot of living in the past, and that is the hardest habit for me to break.
As I have said many times before, you guys are so helpful! I am definitely a "can't see the forest for the trees" person, and you're my forest rangers.
Posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 18:32:41
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
when i feel like that, i just try to enjoy it. i know it's hard not to wonder if we are falling into that trap, but i just try to sit back (or get to work, or giggle, or what ever it is i do) and enjoy feeling good for a while. i try to take it as it comes. and if someone points out to me that i'm acting loopy, then i'll make the dreaded appointment to kill my good time.
what i'm trying to say is that when that happens to me, i try to say to myself, "hey, i feel good. don't question why. don't think about what happens next. enjoy the moment while it's here."
i know it's hard not to wonder if it's a symptom, but try to just think that perhaps it's just you feeling good dear. you're so wonderful, you deserve to feel good. take it as it comes and if you notice you are feeling a bit too good, then make the appointment. take care of yourself dear, but also enjoy feeling good. you truly deserve it darling.
Posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 18:42:48
In reply to hey sweetheart.. » rainyday, posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 18:32:41
KK, you have this amazing ability to make me cry. I will try to prserve the good Ii feel inside my heart
What angel sent you?
Posted by noa on May 3, 2004, at 18:57:05
In reply to Working towards partlycloudy, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 14:11:59
Do you have a history of mania or hypomania?
The reason I ask is this--I don't have hypomania, but that was a hypothesis being thrown around a few years back when my pdoc and I were trying to figure out WTH was going on with me. We finally settled on Double D.
Anyway, I remember a few years back when I finally started feeling little bits of improvement, and I'd be excited or happy for a few hours and actually have a little wee bit of fun with people, it was so exciting to feel that I started worrying that I was hypomanic.
I know now that I wasn't, though. It was just so different than how it had felt for a long time--depressed depressed and more depressed. It was a foreign feeling to feel maybe ok and able to have some fun again.
But then I developed this kind of special 'anxiety disorder' about depression, and about the Depressed/Not Depressed ups and downs and became hypervigilant when I felt halfway ok--I'd think, "Is it ok to feel ok and let my guard down? Is depression lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce again, just as I loosen up and feel a bit better?"
This did get better after a while, especially after my hypothyroidism was treated adequately, because that was when I started having much longer intervals between the major depressive episodes, and the dysthymia started to improve, too. Oh, and talking about this in therapy helped a lot, too.
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 19:00:42
In reply to Am I better or is this an illusion?, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 9:10:13
> Why can't I trust that the peace I feel today isn't a wave of hypomania? I regard my mood today with wary eyes, certain that if I give in to it and smile, start a project, initiate some healthy actions (diet, exercise)that I will promptly fall on my ample behind, then slide back down in my pit of blackness.
>I might be in a minority here, but I've found I do better if I wait until I'm reasonably sure I can maintain any new commitments. Otherwise I feel even worse when I can't continue doing _________ (fill in the blank).
> Oh, never mind me. I should change my posting name to Eyore.My husband used to call me Eeyore sometimes. As if I had a choice of diseases.
I.
Posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 19:15:13
In reply to I am weeping » karen_kay, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 18:42:48
good for you dear. take care of yourself. hold on to that wonderful feelingyou have as long as you can. if it's not dangerous, then what's the harm? you deserve to fee good darling. you should know that. keep saying that to yourself until you believe it. i know it sounds like a crock, but i did it and it really works. honestly, it does.
(((sunny day)))) you keep shining dear. your dayis coming, i promise. and stop crying already. even though you do look beautiful when you cry dear. i promise. it's a fact of life.
and you are just too sweet darling. you know it? you brightened my day several times. thank you for that. awww, asking me what angel sent me. you are just too sweet for words dear. too sweet...
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 19:26:09
In reply to Maybe I'll take the illusion for now » Scott in Vermont, posted by rainyday on May 3, 2004, at 11:32:07
> I don't have to take my ambien to sleep any more, but I don't remember any dreams right now. I usually (pre depression and mania) have lucid, colourful dreams, and I miss them when they stay submerged.
>Some ADs suppress dreams.
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 19:36:41
In reply to Re: Working towards partlycloudy » rainyday, posted by noa on May 3, 2004, at 18:57:05
> But then I developed this kind of special 'anxiety disorder' about depression, and about the Depressed/Not Depressed ups and downs and became hypervigilant when I felt halfway ok--I'd think, "Is it ok to feel ok and let my guard down? Is depression lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce again, just as I loosen up and feel a bit better?"
>Yes oh yes.
> This did get better after a while, especially after my hypothyroidism was treated adequately, because that was when I started having much longer intervals between the major depressive episodes, and the dysthymia started to improve, too. Oh, and talking about this in therapy helped a lot, too.
>
>
I've been feeling somewhat better lately. I think it's because of the Cytomel. My internist says I'm not hypothyroid, but my thyroid is reacting to me having been sick for a long time (I have chronic fatigue syndrome).Why didn't I try thyroid hormone years ago?
Posted by rainyday on May 4, 2004, at 12:00:39
In reply to Re: Working towards partlycloudy » rainyday, posted by noa on May 3, 2004, at 18:57:05
noa - I just realised I forgot to reply to your post!
I have a history of hypomania with my bipolar II dx. It's mostly major depression with mania usually lasting a week or less. I get myself into precarious situations but I am no longer embarassed about them. Mostly I feel taller, smarter, skinnier, and full of ideas. When I crash from the hypomania it is deeper into depression. I live in the past and worry about the future, and don't appreciate the Now enough.
I am hoping my medication adjustment will help because I am getting tired of these hills and valleys.
My T and I are going all over the map right now: working on anger, tears, meditation, spirituality, and my addiction to alcohol. Sometimes I go in there feeling completely fragmented and we spend the time putting me back together. There is so much for me to learn, so many habits to be unlearned.
I think I am rambling now, so I'll stop.
still rainyday
This is the end of the thread.
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