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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 21:55:27
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » mystic, posted by SandyWeb on March 21, 2004, at 17:05:54
Sandy, what happened to you to make you feel this way? Did it also involve your daughter? Sounds like what you are planning to do will only make things worse for her. Please reconsider. Where are you? I have never felt so frightened for anyone before in my entire life! Please respond. Mrs. C
Posted by mystic on March 21, 2004, at 21:56:52
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 21:55:27
I'm with ya Mrs C....I freeking here myself and have been all afternoon..worried sick...not sure what to do...helpless and dont like this feeling....Mystic
Posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 22:05:02
In reply to RE: Mrs C., posted by mystic on March 21, 2004, at 21:56:52
Mystic, thank God you are with me. How long has this been going on. I just started checking posts about 1/2 hour ago and found all of this happening. Did you read her post that Simus was concerned about. I did not get a chance to go there. Is she thinking about ending her life?! That's what it sounds like to me. I hope that we are wrong.
I'm also worried now that we scared her away. I don't want her to feel responsible for getting us upset. I hope she comes back to the board. We could be just what she needs.
Mrs. C
Posted by Simus on March 21, 2004, at 22:07:59
In reply to RE: Mrs C., posted by mystic on March 21, 2004, at 21:56:52
Thank you all. You are great people. Please remember Sandy in your prayers. May God's love engulf her and bring peace and hope to her situation.
Love,
Simus
Posted by mystic on March 21, 2004, at 22:08:56
In reply to RE: Mystic, posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 22:05:02
Mrs C...we are ill equipt to handle this and we did not scare her away all we did was try to help and that is all we ever try to do...This happened earlier today and has been most of the day when I have checked on...Some of the posts are evasive I'm really not sure what to think...I just know that we tried to help and not sure if it did but we did the best that we could...Mrs C...we are on here to help people and to feel better ourselves and that is the best that we can do...We listen...we respond and we care and that is all anyone could ask for or hope for ....Please dont feel badly this will be fine and hopefully she will come back if she feels she needs help...Go to bed and get some sleep and Hope to catch up to you tomorrow...Have a great day >>>A friend Mystic
Posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 22:12:24
In reply to RE: Mrs C.., posted by mystic on March 21, 2004, at 22:08:56
Thanks Mystic, you are right. But I will go to bed with a sick feeling in my stomach for this woman who sounds so alone. I will be praying for her and for all of us. Talk to you tomorrow. Mrs. C
Posted by mystic on March 21, 2004, at 22:13:01
In reply to One more request, posted by Simus on March 21, 2004, at 22:07:59
We are all praying...As we do every night for all our posting friends...At least I know I do..and will say an extra prayer for Sandy...Thanks Simus..take care of yourself also and get some sleep....Mystic
Posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 22:13:46
In reply to One more request, posted by Simus on March 21, 2004, at 22:07:59
Simus, I have been brought to tears by all of this. I will be praying for Sandy and for all of us. Thanks for listening and for being there for us all. Mrs. C
Posted by Simus on March 21, 2004, at 22:24:01
In reply to Re: One more request, posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 22:13:46
Mrs. C,
[[[[hug]]]] You have to just lay it at the Lord's feet now and get some rest. We aren't equipped to carry the burden, but He is. It is possible that our only part in this is to pray for her. Or, perhaps she will come back for help and friendship. Now, I speak peaceful rest over your mind and body, in Jesus' name.
Love,
Simus
Posted by Mrs. C on March 21, 2004, at 22:28:07
In reply to Re: One more request » Mrs. C, posted by Simus on March 21, 2004, at 22:24:01
Thank you Simus. I was just about to go to bed and something told me to check the board one more time. I found your latest post. You have deeply touched me and I will try to remember your words as I lay in bed tonight. Talk to you tomorrow. Mrs. C
Posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:09:58
In reply to RE: lexy » sexylexy, posted by wantinfo on March 21, 2004, at 21:12:09
Hola,
I was on 15 for two weeks and saw a big differnce about the end of my second week. That is also when the side effects seemed to be going away as well, I started 20mg about two and a half weeks and the side effects are about the same when moving up to 15 not bad but enough to be a slight nusance. I have not noticed a difference yet but am sure I will soon enough! Good to know your making progress, you sound like a new person compared to some of your older postings! Congrats!!!
God Bless,
Lexy
Posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:44:16
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » Simus, posted by SandyWeb on March 21, 2004, at 17:21:18
Hey Sandy,
Your note sounded very confused to me. You have some affairs you would like to set in order, so does this mean you are planning on ending your life?
Believe me, even though you believe you are not depressed, you are empty and this is worse than depression. You seem to just not care anymore. You may feel like people would be better off if you were not in their lives anymore, so you could stop being such a burden to others. When I was deep and empty as yourself I felt the same way, if I ended my life, my parents would not have to deal with my problems, my boyfriend could move on and find a girl worth being with. Now that I am begining to feel better again, I know that had I harmed myself, I would have effected so many lives. My parents would be destroyed, my boyfriend and friends would never forgive themselves. Even though I would have been dead, I would have ruined so many lives and taken the easy way out for myself.
When you feel this way, everything is so empty and grey. You just want to disapear just blend in until you fade all together. There are so many of us on this board who have faced this demon. We are all in the battle to fight in and many of us are winning.
The major part is to not give into your feelings of worthlessness, guilt and broken spirit. If you are having enough thought to put some affairs in order, you are seriously condidering putting an end to your life. Sandy, you should call your parents and let them know. If you feel like you are going to make an attempt call 911. If need be drive to the nearest ER and they will check you in and get you in touch with people who can make it better.
Sandy, if you have stopped living for yourself, which I understand, at least live for your child. Killing yourself would put her though what you are going though right now but worse. She will spend the rest of her life asking herself what she did that made you do this, did she not love you enough, did you not love her enough. Do not allow these thoughts and feelings associated with your current state of mind rule you. Do not give it the satifaction of ruining you or the ones you love.
I you are a spiritual person I suggest you pray that you will get though this. It will help you sort you thoughts and come into a better place. I am praying for you tonight and wishing you a brighter day tomorrow.
The Lord Bless You and Keep You,
Lexy
Posted by Magdalena on March 22, 2004, at 0:51:15
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
i hope everyones night was blessed with some form of comfort, tonite i was a bit sad but i hope no one minds that i am going to post up a song that makes me feel better...you can read it if you want it has been my comfort song for a very long time.
One Day
One day
It will happen
One day’ one day
It will all come trueOne day
When you’re ready
One day’ one day
When you’re up to itThe atmosphere
Will get lighter
And two suns ready
To shine just for youI can feel it
One day
It will happen
One day’ one day
It will all make senseOne day’ one day
You will blossom
One day’ one day
When you’re readyAn aeroplane
Will curve gracefully
Around the volcano
With the eruption that never lets you downI can feel it
And the beautifullness
Fireworks will burn
In the sky just for youI can feel it
One day
One day
-Bjork
hugs to all of you, goodnite.
Posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 1:40:25
In reply to one day, posted by Magdalena on March 22, 2004, at 0:51:15
Posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 6:40:39
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:44:16
Morning Lexy...Knew you would have the words...Great great job...Have a great day..You are sooooo special...Mystic
Posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 6:42:37
In reply to one day, posted by Magdalena on March 22, 2004, at 0:51:15
Magdelana....Beautiful just beautiful...thank you...Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:44:16
Ladies, I am touched that you want to help me. But please don't feel sick and worried about me. That makes me feel sick to my stomach. Believe me, it's not worth all the stress you are putting upon yourselves. I feel physically awful for having you even THINK about me. I will be fine.
My situation is no big deal. I've been attending University for a "lifetime" (lol!!), getting all my pre-reqs out of the way in order to enter the Bachelor of Science in Nursing program. I was accepted into the Advanced Standing option. Long story short: I had to take a Leave of Absence last year due to my mental health. I just came back to classes this January, and guess what? I have to take another Leave now. I'm just not able to be stable.
Student Loans have run out, so I can't afford to ever get an education. I already owe $40,000 plus I've put another $10,000 on my sister's Visa (without a degree). My chance for an education is OVER. I have no skills, I haven't worked since my early 20's. I can't even attend classes regularly, so I wouldn't be able to hold down a job. And the only thing I'm good for is a waitress, and I'm too tired for that! The rent is too expensive, we never have any money, the kids are always hungry, and they say I'm lazy because I haven't gotten a job so that they can have food in the cupboards. I have no future. I have nothing to do with the second half of my life other than read books and watch tv. I can't ever go to school and I'm too wishy-washy to hold any type of responsible job. I can't get me kids the things they need and want: FOOD, stylish clothes, sneakers that aren't falling apart, weekly or even monthly allowances. Nothing.
I was looking forward to having a PROFESSION, to giving back to society. I was looking forward to paying back my parents and sister, with cash and gifts. I was looking forward to starting an educational fund for my kids so they would have money for their own University courses (they've asked if I have a secret fund for them for University). I was looking forward to buying them new beds, moving them to a better area, giving them a better life.
Now all I can do is watch tv and read books. My kids will grow up feeling embarrassed by me, and I doubt that they will want to come by to visit.
There is nothing left. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's just the way everything has worked out. The money is gone....the future is gone. There really is nothing left for me to struggle FOR. My life is basically over. There is no use for it.
Okay, so that's what is happening with me. I had a meeting with the University on Friday, and I'll be filling out the paperwork this week. The beginning of the end.
I may be starting to feel depressed.....but I'm more dead than anything.
I told you this so that you wouldn't be fretting about what is happening. It's really not a big deal. But it's just the way things have worked out for me. Not what I planned.
Now stop feeling sick about me! *smile* It's okay. It is what it is. I'll deal with it.
Thanks so much for your friendships. You have big hearts.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 10:23:53
In reply to RE: lexy, posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:09:58
thanks lexy! i am now at the end of the 2nd week on 15mg too...i do feel better...not quite like myself yet but getting there. i am still a LITTLE worried that this isn't the med for me but i guess i will see? you sound great! EM
Posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 10:37:21
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
hi sandy. i know you don't necessarily want advice from strangers but i can't express to you how much you DO have to live for. you have children! can you IMAGINE what they'd do without a mother? think of everyone who needs you.
never give up hope. so many of us here have been through hell and back and come out stronger than ever. the love you see here on the board is the result of understanding that comes from having been there.
i know any one of us would give you a phone number, an email, anything to help you get through this. there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. what medication are you currently on? do you use a benzo like xanax or clonozepam?
please don't give up. we are all praying for you.
EMILY
Posted by Gator on March 22, 2004, at 10:51:23
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
Sandy,
It is very important that you just take one day at a time. Don't even think about the future right now. I understand how the thoughts of despair and worthlessness can be so consuming that taking your life actually makes sense. I have felt that way since I was 10 years old. I tried for the first time at 13 and the second time at 22. Thank goodness that both times it did not work because I would have never brought my beautiful 3 daughters into this world.
Maybe you can get just a part-time job at a place that you find interesting and learn more about it. I don't know where you live, but in my area there are food pantries to help with the food for you kids.
I am not trying to make light of your feelings, but it is only you and no one else that can change things. Your kids will love no matter what. Now you need to love yourself enough to get better. We are here to help you through the rough times. Just take baby steps, each day at a time.
When I start work, I have on my computer at start up - from the Saturday night live skit - "Cause I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggoneit people like me."- That always makes me smile and makes feel better at the start of each work day.
You are an important person!!! Please keep posting and here's another prayer for your well-being.
Gator
Posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 13:37:00
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
Sandy,
I think you are misunderstanding my intentions here. I am not pitying you. I am trying to get you to see the truth. It is so easy to confuse a mental illness with a character flaw. It is also so easy to think you will never become better, or stable. I have had times of stability during my ordeal. No, everything wasn't perfect. But I held part-time jobs in engineering for five years. No, it is not the degree of recovery I wanted at the time. But considering that a short time earlier, the only future I saw for myself was in a mental institution, that was a BIG improvement. I was able, during that time, to help my husband with the finances, buy a few extra things for the kids, bless my parents financially, give to charities, etc, etc, etc. In November, my meds were completely changed. It was a very hard time, and I had to take a medical leave in January. But they want me back as soon as I am able. I was so bad even just a week ago, I coveted death. Then, in ONE DAY, my doctor made ONE med change, and I am a new person!!! I will wait a while before I go back to work. But now, I know I will be even better and stronger than before. I have times of feeling 100% now!!! 100%!!!
When I took my medical leave, I felt hopeless, like I was a failure at everything I did. I didn't think anyone could ever count on me, ever. I could go on for a few more paragraphs with the negative self-talk. But the point I am trying to make here is that it is the illness talking. A week ago, I hated myself. Today, I no longer think that. ??? Did my character change? No. I simply, by medication, came out of the depression. So please, please just hold on.
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 14:07:32
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
> Sandy, I was out of town yesterday, so I am just now getting aroung to reading all of the posts from this board. Looks like you've been flooded with responses, eh? (These people here are very caring, don't you think?)
I don't know where you live, so I don't really know what kind of social services are available to you. Please forgive me if this is totally off-the-wall, but have you looked into applying for Disability services? If you qualify, it might be enough to get you through this time, financially, anyway.
I was in a similar situation when my children were small; we were on welfare and food stamps between my low-paying jobs. It took me years to finish school, because of my illness - dropping out, losing my credits, losing my financial aid -trying again. I even lost my house to foreclosure at one point.
I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, it sounds like the pits. If you want to talk, we might find that we have some more things in common?? (I am 54 yrs old now, and I work in social services)
God bless you, Sandy. I hope you find some answers. Keep us posted, ok? ...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 13:37:00
Hi girls,
Thanks for all the responses. I guess it does good to talk, huh? At least I'm not brooding on my own.
You know what really bothers me, though? Everything has been geared for the future....and now the future is a HUGE question mark.
I packed up the kids and flew away from hubby when they were only 2 and 5 years old (that was 10 years ago!! Wow!!!). We got 5,000 miles away from him, and I went to court and got sole custody of our kids....while he was swearing to hunt me down like the dog I am and kill me.
I waited until they were old enough for me to go back to school. We moved into the city so that I could be within walking distance of the University (we don't have a car). We sacrificed a lot, because it would only be temporary while I finished my education. I don't even have a bedroom in this apartment....I sleep on a daybed in the livingroom!
I slowly took the pre-reqs while getting used to being back in school. Eyes always on the future. Working towards the future.
Got into the Nursing program in the Advanced Standing option. Finished off the first half of years 1 and 2 with great grades. Went into the second term. And everything caught up with me. And I had to leave.
Came back this January.....just couldn't cope again. Leaving again.
And now the funds are all gone. My plans from 10 years are gone. Nothing is left. We have nothing. I can't even make new plans for the future. There are no options anymore.
I just don't know. All this time, I thought God was leading me. He absolutely got us away from hubby. And I thought He was guiding me towards being a nurse. I was amazed! I'm not totally comfortable around people, but I honestly thought He was calling me to be a nurse. I thought that was the reason I was created. I thought this was His purpose for me. All things are possible through Him.....and I was so excited! I knew I would be a wonderful nurse. I really care for people. And after working for a few months on an airliner disaster that happened here (but only body parts survived), I really empathize with people's grief.
And now.....was I so mistaken? All this time....when I thought I was listening to God....when I thought this was His wonderful plan for me.....when I was striving to fulfill that plan....when I was constantly in contact with Him.....what does it mean? Was He even there? Was I only hearing myself?? I don't get it. And every time I had a failure, I would learn something new.....and I thought that was why God had me go through the failure....to add more to my knowledge base in order to make me a better nurse. I was going to specialize in mental health, so what better way to learn than to go through as many experiences as possible. But now.....I'm not going to be a nurse. I can't even go to secretarial school if I wanted to!!!! (But hit me over the head with an anvil if I want to go there!!! Lol!). I can never do anything for my kids or society.
I just don't know. I guess writing helps to get the confusion out of my system. I just don't know where to go from here.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 14:58:52
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
hi sandyweb,
maybe this isnt the effect you meant to have on us posters but the first thing i thought when i read that was HONESTLY wow! look at how much she's already accomplished! you have performed more bravely in your life thus far than most people do in a lifetime. you have protected yourself, and your children...that's an amazing feat.
everyone goes through difficult times. those are the times that let us know we can survive. you can make it, we are all pulling for you. you sound like an amazing woman. and it doesn't matter whether the voice pushing you on was god or your own...it was there, and it guided you. let it guide you again! EM
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 15:14:47
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
Sandy, you must know in your heart that God really has been guiding you all this way. You have tremendous faith, and God will reveal his will to you. You have been doing what you believed he wanted you to do - that is faith. Now you have to rely on your faith some more, and believe that He will not forsake you.
He really does work in mysterious ways - I know that something wonderful will come out of this. He is an awesome God! You have many people upholding you in prayer at this very moment. He is there, even when you can't feel or hear him.
"Be still, and know that I am God."
God bless you, Sandy. He is still there. ...jlynne
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