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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 16:59:56
You were going to tell us what's been going on with you?
Posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 17:22:20
In reply to Miller...., posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 16:59:56
Dinah,
I wish I could. I don't understand it myself, so it is very hard for me to try to put it into words. I have wanted to write about it all, but everytime I sit down to do it, I don't know how.
The comforting news (for you guys) is that I met a psychologist online who has made me a bargain that I will not hurt myself this weekend. After some negotiations, we came to an agreement. So, I am in no immediate danger to myself or others.
I am in a terribly mess-up state right now.
I have been sleeping off and on since yesterday. I will sleep for two or threehours and then get up for an hour or so. So, I am in a funky state of mind.
Plus, when I got back to the boards and saw all of the turbulence, I was a little unsettled. I hate conflict. I certainly hate all the conflict within ourselves. I hated to see so many people blocked and deciding not to come back.
Yikes.
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 20:37:44
In reply to Re: Miller.... » Dinah, posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 17:22:20
I'm glad you found someone who could help. Does that mean you and your old therapist are kaput?
I really am glad you aren't a danger to yourself this weekend, and I hope not after that either.
If you ever feel like talking, let me know, but I won't push.
Take care of yourself.
Dinah
Posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 21:04:32
In reply to Re: Miller.... » Miller, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 20:37:44
Well, Dinah,
I started off my downward spiral by listening to my shrink tell me he has decided to spend a substancial amount of time less than what we had discussed during these three weeks. I, of course, was unable to articulate that I have cleared this three weeks in a last attampt to get my shit together.
I also had an appointment with my family doctor for meds and all. I had to 'fess up about the overdose. That wasn't comfortable at all.
My family doctor called mt husband at work the next day. She told him he needs to regulate my meds to prevent aanother potential deliberate overdose.
My husband, who is very leary of this kind of freaked out. We are having enough difficulties trying to get him to understand all of this. On of the things he said was that he regrets marrying me. He said that because he can't help fix what is wrong, he feels powerless and that we weren't really meant to be together.
The reason for the uproar with my family soctor and the pschologist I met online os that they both know that my husband is out of town this weekend. My oppotunity presented itself. My shrink didn't even pick up on it. I have an appointment on Monday with him. It will be my last.
I made the bargain with the inline psychologist because he seems to be genuinely concerned about getting me well. Not just preventing me from killing myself. So, we kept giving counter-proposals until we came to an agreement. I have agreed to not hurt myself or others this weekend.
That may be why I am sleeping so much. It's easier to keep my word this way.
I hope some of this makes sense. I am wondering what Beardy would say. It's kind of a compromise to what she had suggested on PBP board.
What are your feelings? Am I going in the right direction or have I veered off course again?-Miller
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 21:48:24
In reply to Re: Lonely is the night » Dinah, posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 21:04:32
> Well, Dinah,
> I started off my downward spiral by listening to my shrink tell me he has decided to spend a substancial amount of time less than what we had discussed during these three weeks. I, of course, was unable to articulate that I have cleared this three weeks in a last attampt to get my shit together.I'm sorry, Miller. I know you had a lot riding on this. Did he give a reason? Did he actually alter the original agreement, and on what grounds?
> I also had an appointment with my family doctor for meds and all. I had to 'fess up about the overdose. That wasn't comfortable at all.
> My family doctor called mt husband at work the next day. She told him he needs to regulate my meds to prevent aanother potential deliberate overdose.Ugh, ugh. That's one reason I'm terrified I'll act on my urges to down a bottle of pills. :( Although I have from time to time asked my husband to take control of them.
> My husband, who is very leary of this kind of freaked out. We are having enough difficulties trying to get him to understand all of this. On of the things he said was that he regrets marrying me. He said that because he can't help fix what is wrong, he feels powerless and that we weren't really meant to be together.
Ouch ouch ouch. He feels guilty about not being able to help you so he lashes out at you? Unfortunately, I do understand. My husband is the same way. He feels powerless and frightened so he gets angry. Do you have a good marriage in other ways?
> The reason for the uproar with my family soctor and the pschologist I met online os that they both know that my husband is out of town this weekend. My oppotunity presented itself. My shrink didn't even pick up on it. I have an appointment on Monday with him. It will be my last.
So your family doctor and the doctor online realized that you might harm yourself given the opportunity, but your therapist didn't? It sounds as if you are through with this therapist, so I won't ask you if you were honest with him about the possibility.
> I made the bargain with the inline psychologist because he seems to be genuinely concerned about getting me well. Not just preventing me from killing myself. So, we kept giving counter-proposals until we came to an agreement. I have agreed to not hurt myself or others this weekend.
> That may be why I am sleeping so much. It's easier to keep my word this way.So you'll be doing therapy online now? I agree with you about the sleeping. I use it a lot myself. Keep posting too, if that helps. I'm battling urges myself this weekend. No therapy appt until tuesday. My therapist said if I still wanted to move it to monday to call him, but i can take a hint (that it wasn't convenient to him) and won't.
I don't know much about online therapy. Will it be by email or telephone? How will that work?
I just hope you keep fighting to live. You have so much to give. The world needs more empathetic people.
Dinah
Posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 22:13:08
In reply to Re: Lonely is the night » Miller, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 21:48:24
Dinah,
No, he didn't give a reason. We were just settin gup or next appoinment which happened to fall on the first day of my leave. I asked him If we would have a set schedule during my leave. That's when he told me.
And no, my marriage is anything but good right now. That's another reason why I had ear-marked this weekend. I knew he wouldn't be home, etc., etc.
No, I was not honest with my shrink about the possibility of my suicide. But, I wasn't with my family doctor or the on-line shrink, either. They just listen better, I guess.
I can't really call it on-line terapy. It is for me, but on his part, there are regulations. He is just advising me right now. He refuses to charge me. He said if he helps me, I am free to send a donation to his church.
How it is set up is that He emails me at least once a day. I can send as many emails as I feel I need to. He reads them and asks me questions. I have a tendancy tp email lots of little ones. His, to me are very long and indepth.
I did a lot of research on him and sent him what I had found. (Very personal stuff such as home address, social security #, date of birth, etc.) I really thought by telling him I did all that he would have stopped immediately. Instead, he said I was a good response to my security needs.
Anyway, in the few days I have been corresponding with him, I have learned so much. I am experiences emotions I never had before, and I have slowly become more and more honest with him.
Now, can I have your opinion? :)
-Miller
Posted by mikhail99 on January 11, 2003, at 22:39:34
In reply to Re: Lonely is the night » Dinah, posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 21:04:32
> Well, Dinah,
> I started off my downward spiral by listening to my shrink tell me he has decided to spend a substancial amount of time less than what we had discussed during these three weeks. I, of course, was unable to articulate that I have cleared this three weeks in a last attampt to get my shit together.
> I also had an appointment with my family doctor for meds and all. I had to 'fess up about the overdose. That wasn't comfortable at all.
> My family doctor called mt husband at work the next day. She told him he needs to regulate my meds to prevent aanother potential deliberate overdose.
> My husband, who is very leary of this kind of freaked out. We are having enough difficulties trying to get him to understand all of this. On of the things he said was that he regrets marrying me. He said that because he can't help fix what is wrong, he feels powerless and that we weren't really meant to be together.Miller, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here but I was sad to read about your husband. And I feel for you, I have a similar problem. Mine doesn't understand depression at all either. Like they have to understand to empathize! But that must have been devastating for you to hear. It's awful that with all you have to deal with, you don't have his support.
> The reason for the uproar with my family soctor and the pschologist I met online os that they both know that my husband is out of town this weekend. My oppotunity presented itself. My shrink didn't even pick up on it. I have an appointment on Monday with him. It will be my last.
> I made the bargain with the inline psychologist because he seems to be genuinely concerned about getting me well. Not just preventing me from killing myself. So, we kept giving counter-proposals until we came to an agreement. I have agreed to not hurt myself or others this weekend.
> That may be why I am sleeping so much. It's easier to keep my word this way.
> I hope some of this makes sense. I am wondering what Beardy would say. It's kind of a compromise to what she had suggested on PBP board.
> What are your feelings? Am I going in the right direction or have I veered off course again?
>
> -Miller
>I, for one, am really glad you made the agreement with the online psychologist. I feel badly because I can't really address how you feel about hurting yourself. I just want you to know that you have support here and that I care about what happens to you. Please hang in there and sleep as much as you need to if it helps.
Mik
Posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 22:52:15
In reply to Re: Lonely is the night » Miller, posted by mikhail99 on January 11, 2003, at 22:39:34
Hi Mik,
The hardest thing about not getting support is the frustration of not understinding. My husband doesn't understand and I can't find the words to help him understand.
In fact, that was part of my agreement with the on-line shrink. At the end of all of this he has agreed to write a letter to my husband if I decide on suicide to help him understand.
I don't understand why I feel I have to die to feel better. But, I do know that when I feel bad, I actually obsess over suicide. It's like there is no other alternative.
I am glad I had the support of people here. Otherwise, I would have none at all. That's why it saddens me to see all of the people leave and get blocked. There was a lot of anger and hurt flying around the board. Now is actually the time we all need to stick together, not be pulled apart.
When emotions are high, the defenses are out. They have to be out for a reason. SO, our job, as fellow posters, should be to help figure out WHY the defenses are there and help to support the ones that are so in need. When more than one person has defenses up, there we need to help sort the conflicts. Agression is releasing the hurt. A lot of people were hurting. It's too bad we couldn't figure out a way to help everyone that needed it in time.
Enough rambling. I have to sleep again. Thanks for posting to me. It feels good to be back.
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2003, at 3:06:56
In reply to Re: Lonely is the night » Dinah, posted by Miller on January 11, 2003, at 22:13:08
You could have my opinion, if I had one. :) But believe it or not, I don't. I'm afraid I really don't have enough information about the situation. And even if I did, I couldn't judge what's best for you (other than staying alive).
I'm sorry about your husband. I asked mine tonight to hold the Klonopin for a few nights. The result was as expected. "I AM NOT ANGRY. I'M JUST CONCERNED." Not terribly helpful, although I do understand.
I am sorry you're feeling so bad, Miller. But why are you sure you need to die to feel better? How do you even know that you will feel better if you die? I always have this vague fear that reincarnation is real. That there is some sort of cosmic "Groundhog Day" going on that won't let us finish until we get it right.
Are you going to tell your soon to be ex therapist about your disappointment? About how much you had invested in the idea of concentrated sessions? What would your on-line psychologist think about that?
Obsessions about suicide are part of our illness. If they aren't being adequately addressed by your current medication, you might want to consult a psychopharmacologist. As much as I believe in therapy, there is only so much it can do without a stable medication base in place. And suicidal ideation can be treated with medication. If you're currently getting your meds from a family physician, you may want to ask for a referral to a good psychopharmacologist. He could help you see your obsessions as part of your illness.
I really would like to see you stick around, Miller. Perhaps it's selfish of me, but I like you, and wouldn't like to see you give up on yourself.
Dinah
Posted by Miller on January 12, 2003, at 9:24:58
In reply to Re: Lonely is the night » Miller, posted by Dinah on January 12, 2003, at 3:06:56
Hi Dinah,
As for the way I see death for myself is like sleeping. I am just DONE. No nothing, no fear, no hurt, no happiness, no lies, no NOTHING. I want nothing. SOme people say they would never kill themselves because of the joy they would be missing. I don't see that as a obsticle since there isn't a lot of joy around here. The hurt (and other icky emotions) are always there to beat down the good.
As far as my meds go, my family doctor did refer me to a specialist. I can't get in to see him until January 27. Until then, my husband has med-duty.
I think I need to sleep again. In the last 48 hours, I think I have sleep 39. I'm still tired.
I am glad you are here for me Dinah. I hope you are doing well.
-Miller
Posted by Ginjoint on January 12, 2003, at 10:45:44
In reply to Miller...., posted by Dinah on January 11, 2003, at 16:59:56
Hi Miller...
This isn't really my business, but I've gotta say it anyway because I'm worried about you. I've been following your posts lately and I'm a little concerned about your online psychologist. It sounds kinda fishy to me, and I'm worried because it seems like you need more support right now than a faceless online therapist can provide...especially one that's suggesting donations to his church. I'm very glad that you reached some deals with him (in terms of not hurting yourself), but all I'm sayin' is please be careful and watch out for yourself.
Take care,
Ginjoint
Posted by Miller on January 12, 2003, at 11:33:08
In reply to Caveat emptor, Miller....(buyer beware!), posted by Ginjoint on January 12, 2003, at 10:45:44
Thank you so much for your concern. Who knows what I have gotten mysellf into. But, I know that the online shrink is making me feel better right now, whereas my regular shrink wasn't.
SO, although this may be another "bad move" on my part, it can't be worse than what I am already dealing with.
Thanks for looking out for me.
-Miller
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 12, 2003, at 11:42:39
In reply to Re: Caveat emptor, Miller....(buyer beware!) » Ginjoint, posted by Miller on January 12, 2003, at 11:33:08
Oh miller.. I so understand where you're coming from re your husband... mine just didn't want to understand.. I think he thought he'd married defective goods..
Then, about 6 months ago I came off effexor.. I thought I was dying.. it was awful.. I tried to call my doctor to come out who sent me to emergency psych service.. who refused to accept there was such thing as effexor withdrawal and said I had a stomach bug!! I called my husband in tears (and I very rarely cry, so atleast he took notice).. he decided to search the net for anything about it, was so shocked by how much he found... he read alot of it, and I think it made him realise that I'm not like this on purpose, and that I really was in hell..
Since then he has been so much more supprtive and understanding... its not perfect... but things are improving..
Maybe make a deal with hubby, get him to agree to 10 mins a day where you can try and tell him.. laydown on the bed or sofa, hold each other, and just say what ever is in your head about how you feel. This is osmehting we have taken to doing and its improving things dramatically.
Hang int here hun.. the slope will level out soon..
Nikki xx
Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2003, at 17:48:36
In reply to Re: Images » Dinah, posted by Miller on January 12, 2003, at 9:24:58
I'm glad that you have an appointment with a specialist. January 27 will be here before you know it, and believe me, the right meds will help.
Good luck with your appointment tomorrow.
This is the end of the thread.
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