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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 2:42:16
This is just terrible, but I don't know where else I can post this or what group I can talk to to get varying opinions. I was admitted to the psych ward of a hospital a week or 2 ago and got together with a friend I met there. I'm from the right side of the tracks; he's from the classically historiccaly "wrong" side of the tracks, not that that matters, because we both agreed that we'd get together to drink tallboys and snort coke.
So I'm on the wrong side of the tracks ina neighborhood I don't know, and my friend my the psych ward is slurringly, stumbly drunk. His dealer tries to rip me off but I'm too smart; hours later my friend collapses at a house that I'm not sure is his, and I see the dealer across the street. "hey come here!" he shouts. "What do you want?" I call back. He shrugs. "Come help me with C____" I say, and he comes out and says, "I'd rather fuck" and grabs me 'round the hip but I shove him off and say that we have to make sure C____ is in the right house.
Once, in the house, I discover that C___ actually knew where he lived. but the dealer was still there. "hey come on," he said," and he grabbed my crotch. "get away," i said, and he kept doing it, kept grabbing me, and finally I bitch-smacked him across the face to show him that I'm tough. (Physically, i am very feminine, small-boned, thin, longhaired etc--I've the heart of Janis Joplin, but not the body). He hit me back, pushed my forehead and knocked me down onto the bed, kept alternately hitting me and grabbing my crotch and calling me "bitch."
My friend C____ was too passed-out drunk to do anything except lie there.
So my question is, what do you do when you're half-drunk, hopped up on drugs, have a warrant (for speeding tickets), and some bastard is slapping you around?
I've finished off my coke and I think I'll be clenching my teeth all night.
I wish I were a bodybuilder, I wish I could have kicked his ass--
i feel sick from the whole night.
love,
sar
Posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 3:16:54
In reply to inappropriate, as always, posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 2:42:16
the Priciple of Parsimony answer is, Don't get hopped up on drugs on the wrong side of the tracks with men you don't know.
BUT SUPPOSING YOU DO, (and I have many times without problem) and something goes wrong, what do you do?
Most of the people I've met have been so good. I can't believe what happened tonight, I can't belive I was hit! After so many years...the only other male who has hit me has been my father. i thought it was 2001 and boys/men (esp my age, this guy was in his early 20s) fucking knew better.
you don't hit women.
so in the end I clung to my friend C___ in his bed 'til the bastard disappeared. I lied there stock-still for half an hour or so, then raced out to my car and sped home.
Why do I feel like I let him get away with something? he was probably coke-mad, feening, but to take it out on me--damn. i should have given him a klonopin or something.
i'm angry
Posted by kid_A on July 27, 2001, at 6:58:14
In reply to principle of parsimony, posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 3:16:54
> the Priciple of Parsimony answer is, Don't get hopped up on drugs on the wrong side of the tracks with men you don't know.
I don't think Id give you that answer anyways, it happens, I guess not to everyone, but I've been places I didnt want to be on coke, or meth, or whatever, "Hey, listen, If you sport me now, I'll take care of you next time"... Answer: "Listen creep, you know, and I know, and I hope to god, there won't be a next time, so step off..."
What to do next time? Be more careful... You want to still do the things you do, but you dont want to be asaulted (uh, who would)... sometimes thats going to be difficult to avoid when the perpetrator is a drug dealer from the 'wrong' side of the tracks... I've known few honest drug dealers from any side of the tracks... When I was much younger my coke dealer would sell me an eightball and then call back that night asking if I had any left because he ran out... I quickly knew not to pick up the fone... Rule 1: dont ever answer a callback from a dealer when you've allready scored...
> Why do I feel like I let him get away with something? he was probably coke-mad, feening, but to take it out on me--damn. i should have given him a klonopin or something.
>
> i'm angryno excuse, no excuse, no excuse, its lame, just degenerate lame, you didnt let him get away with anything, what were you going to do, put on the gloves and go mano a femme ? His perceptions of what is right and what is wrong are obviously skewed, and I doubt little that intoxication had much to do w/ it, though it certainly doesnt help things... I felt angry when I was chased home by a car full of teenagers once when I made an offhanded comment, "Now we know where you live!", I'm not a big person, and don't get into fights, let alone w/ 5 people at once, but I felt so small... so helpless... I went inside and got a bat, of course they were gone, there was nothing I could do but savour that memory for the rest of my life... defeated by a car of teenagers...
Be angry be angry be angry, at the world and injustice, at this fuck-up for pulling this shit, at drugs for what they offer yet what they yield often enough in results... But don't be consumed by anger, let it flow... You made all the right moves and walked away... Make better moves next time and you can avoid this... If you want to do that... Be angry, tuff grrl.
Posted by Marie1 on July 27, 2001, at 8:24:23
In reply to Re: principle of parsimony » sar, posted by kid_A on July 27, 2001, at 6:58:14
Kid A -
You are gooood! I didn't respond to Sar because I would have sounded preachy. You came across just right. What do you do in the real world?Sar -
Be kinder to yourself, ok?Marie
Posted by kid_A on July 27, 2001, at 9:09:57
In reply to Re: principle of parsimony » kid_A, posted by Marie1 on July 27, 2001, at 8:24:23
> Kid A -
> You are gooood! I didn't respond to Sar because I would have sounded preachy. You came across just right. What do you do in the real world?thankyou... real world? write, read, try to produce some meaninful art, play "Complaints" by The Sparks as loud as humanly possible, try to get out of my body in the most responsible way possible, show up for work and get paid for vacations, suffer needlessly... fall in love with love.
just the daily grind.
Posted by susan C on July 27, 2001, at 13:26:31
In reply to Re: principle of parsimony » Marie1, posted by kid_A on July 27, 2001, at 9:09:57
Just a story:
I was working and the owner/boss, said, go to the ladies night out firing range with my wife, keep her company. What the h***!, I had never used a gun, so why not. I was so frightened to even touch it. But I did, I practiced that night at the firing range. He wanted his wife to go because he was a gun nut and had guns everywhere. They were about to have their first child and were going to set up safety boxes. I guess this guy was justifiably paranoid, as he had gotten threatening calls from fired employees. I took the target paper and kept it in my desk to show my co-workers and customers (sales) I tell you, when I told them those center shots were the first time I had used a gun, I got a lot of respect.Not too long after that he went of the the Firearm Academy, a private firearmes training place and went through several course, more than what cops get for training. He even did one where there is a mock convenience store and you have to determine whether or not you are going to use your weapon. This was to train for wearing a concealed weapon. When you finish their first class, if you are taken to court for shooting someone, they will come and defend you, because you have been trained to avoid use of a gun and if no other recourse is available to shoot to kill. He encouraged me to go to the first course. He paid for it, so why not. It was three days. Now I am a person totally against guns talking here. I came away from that class knowing that if I were to carry a gun, I would have to carry it all the time and I would have to be ready to use it. Shot to kill. I know when I am being threatened. I saw the consequences and know how to defend myself, now. I decided I would never be able to use a gun, so, therefore, I would HAVE to be sure to do the very first thing, AVOID situations where I could get in trouble. Your experience reminded me that I need to more attentive. This illness and meds has me so spaced sometimes, I forget to look where I am going when I cross the road...jezzz, I alsmost got fun over the other day.. Hope things are better now.
> > Kid A -
> > You are gooood! I didn't respond to Sar because I would have sounded preachy. You came across just right. What do you do in the real world?
>
> thankyou... real world? write, read, try to produce some meaninful art, play "Complaints" by The Sparks as loud as humanly possible, try to get out of my body in the most responsible way possible, show up for work and get paid for vacations, suffer needlessly... fall in love with love.
>
> just the daily grind.
Posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 20:55:01
In reply to Re: principle of parsimony » sar, posted by kid_A on July 27, 2001, at 6:58:14
Dear k_A,
i agree, thank you for understanding.
today at work (trembling after 3 hrs sleep) i walked around replaying the whole thing in my mind, not understanding. what is the psychology of grabbing a stranger's crotch? jeezus. whatever happened to um like, trying to kiss a person? (which i woulnd't have gone along with anyway, but why bring the violence in?
and he had just met me.
i think of my droopy drunk friend C from the psych ward and want all of this to end, i don't want to see him ruining himself (he was hospitalized for going into dt convulsions on a city bus), letting his "friend" try to hurt me...and curled up next to him after the Bastard left and put my nose into his hair as C whispered to me why he's so depressed.
i want to kidnap people, i want to save them.
yes, he really got my dander up + adrenaline flowing. i'm really quite a pacifist, but some unfortunate situations call for a crisp bitch-slap every now and again.
thanks for listening.
sar
Posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 20:57:50
In reply to Re: principle of parsimony » kid_A, posted by Marie1 on July 27, 2001, at 8:24:23
> Kid A -
> You are gooood! I didn't respond to Sar because I would have sounded preachy. You came across just right. What do you do in the real world?
>
> Sar -
> Be kinder to yourself, ok?
>
> MarieMarie,
Kid_A is pretty good, isn't he? :)
rereading my original 2 posts a few minutes i began to preach to myself--when did my life get so...dirty?
will try to be kinder.
Posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 21:02:51
In reply to Re: principle of parsimony, posted by susan C on July 27, 2001, at 13:26:31
Susan,
Cool story.
but the only place i could avoid danger would be a padded cell.
like a moth to the flame.
sar
Posted by shelliR on July 27, 2001, at 22:13:02
In reply to inappropriate, as always, posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 2:42:16
Hey Sar.
Could you at least commit to staying on the right side of the tracks?
We'd worry a bit less that way.take care, Shelli
Posted by kid_A on July 28, 2001, at 7:39:04
In reply to inappropriate, as always, posted by sar on July 27, 2001, at 2:42:16
i want to add my own, fresh, right off the presses, story... in brief, seven beers, one ambien, two xanax, one half of a mushroom cap, memories only up to a certain point.... then blackout... no recolection of where i went, why, how i got home (car in driveway, i must have driven it here)... i suppose i wasnt sick, i probably would still have been lying on my front porch as had happened before... there would be signs of sickness... i completely disapeared for 8 hours... i dont know where i was, i must have been sleeping for a majority of that time, safe as houses... i was in a parking garage where you must pay to get out, and my window in my car wont roll down... i dont remember paying, but the twenty i had is broken into smaller bills, unless i got change from a vagrant on the way home i must have paid for my parking... wonderfull... i would love to have that portion of my life back but it will forever be assigned to the ghost town of hypnotic blackout... its someone elses memory now, ive left it too long in the pawn repository for broken souls...
Posted by kid_A on July 28, 2001, at 11:45:13
In reply to blackout.... again..., posted by kid_A on July 28, 2001, at 7:39:04
found out that i did some very stupid things last night, things that i do not remember the slightest... conversations (arguments) i had with people about my behaviour i have no recolection of... places i was that are lost to me now, hidden deep in the recesses of memory that could only be surfaced by hypnosis or some deep deep destructive analysis of my grey matter...i woke up this morning misserable, knowing that i had obviously fell again into that trap of self absorbed mass consumption non stop until you drop... its always a pleasure to be told of things you've done that you have no memory of... at least i didnt come home with a black eye...
amnesiac, at large.
Posted by dreamer on July 28, 2001, at 15:17:36
In reply to blackout.... again... epilogue, posted by kid_A on July 28, 2001, at 11:45:13
>
> found out that i did some very stupid things last night, things that i do not remember the slightest... conversations (arguments) i had with people about my behaviour i have no recolection of... places i was that are lost to me now, hidden deep in the recesses of memory that could only be surfaced by hypnosis or some deep deep destructive analysis of my grey matter...
>
> i woke up this morning misserable, knowing that i had obviously fell again into that trap of self absorbed mass consumption non stop until you drop... its always a pleasure to be told of things you've done that you have no memory of... at least i didnt come home with a black eye...
>
> amnesiac, at large.I remember those daze take care of yourself.
You know when things slide into the negetive and beyond you try hard to think of something to grasp onto, something to pull you out or to stop the slide- I have binged on pills + large quantities of alcohol and would never preach to stop or condem wild behaviour -I had some good times but calmed down a bit now well try as much as possible to maintain hypomania.
Well in the drugstore/chemist someone was buying a syringe . Came home and thought about it, just buying a syringe.
Good job I don't know where to get the med to go in it.
Didn't buy one ,took some buspars felt sick, body can't handle much. Kicked the AD back into shape though.
Posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 1:38:30
In reply to blackout.... again... epilogue, posted by kid_A on July 28, 2001, at 11:45:13
Dear Kid_A,
how long have you been reading PSB? awhile back we had a thread on blackout drinking, which I wanted to quit because I felt it'd so seriously marred many aspects of my life.
what inspired you to take ambien, xanax, alcohol, and a mushroop cap? that is absolutely mind-boggling to me (i've had them all 'tho)--it seems *extremely* excessive, thank god you're alive!
what were you doing before you started this the other night? had it been a bad day, or a normal one, or a normally bad day? :)
what do you think of what ppl told you that you did that you don't remember? can you repent in any way, do you want to?
my buds always knew that i'm hypersensitive enough to get terribly embarrassed over my blackouts, so only sometimes would they tell me what I''d done--i keep track of my dreams hoping some of it will come back to me but it never does.
of course you feel miserable, babe, with all of that in your system, these lost memories and consequences...
i'll tell ya a little story about one of my blackouts: i went to a beer bar with 3 friends who'd no idea I'd been drinking wine for a couple of hours. I became drunk quite quickly but didn't show it; one of my friends thought he'd do some play-around "barroom brawl" stuff with me and ended up knocking me out. He concerned enough to try CPR, but (and this is all up in the air) I probably tried to kiss him when he did that. He stayed up with me all night to make sure I wouldn't fall unconscious (massive bump on me head) and I babbled all night about I Wonder if I'll Have a Nervous Breakdown etc, as he politely listened--the next day he came over and apologized profusely, and I sent him a postcard letting him know that everything was straight + cool.
that happened the right way.
man, Kid_A, I understand the urge to drink & drug so much--but the loss of memory is--well, how detrimental do you think it is? The people around me started off thinking it was cute, then annoying and confusing, then downright alkie + intolerable.
blacking out is sad. it's weird. such a strange phenomena, to not remember...
why do you black out? for me, it was always the most temporary way to live freely and die at the same time. Craziness.
'course it caused wreckage...
i hope you are feeling better.
i can preach that drunk driving is no bueno.
yet i'm off to score some wine.
sar
Posted by kid_A on July 29, 2001, at 2:49:28
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » kid_A, posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 1:38:30
sar,
i knew that you would understand, somehow, you are my soul-mate on this board, and i say that with kind affection, so do not be taken aback by my words, words that are transient and impermanent, though i do place meaning in those words, make no mistake, spoken words, they go as soon as they are said, but written words linger, like the smell of smoke amoungst a forest fire, like the smell of the dead, in the era of plague....friday, my blackout day, was not a bad day, it wasnt a day that i needed to forget myself, that i needed to escape myself, but i am so sad some times, i wonder to myself, what i am doing, what is the purpose for suffering, how can i escape? so i do as much as i can, in proactive stance, to destroy the self, and go beyond my own self, to place it away from my own recolection so that for a few hours i can be free... i dont know why i did these things, friends had words to say to me about my misdeeds, about my actions, they were not thought of as quaint or laughable... some of those words were spoken after the deed, and i know them, some of them i do not know, because they were spoken to me in amoungst my amnesiac phase, they are lost to me now...
yes, i feel repentant, i feel some shame in what ive done, i woke knowing the sins of the amnesiac, the dead awoken at the wake from a night of drinking the dregs, i went back out tonight and had a few beers, im not so bad, though i use drinking as an excuse to go insane, tonight at the bar i dj at i had myself a real good time, and i recall it all, so it is, in itself a good night... i kept it under control...
tommorow, i will be gone, gone to atlanta to see Radiohead play, i will be away for a while on a mini-vactation, visiting my siblings in atlanta and trying to forget my problems for a little while, put on a happy face for the company i keep...
as best i can i am going to try to keep all of my memories, good or bad they are mine and i am entitled to them... thank you for understanding, i knew you would, call it intuition... keep things under control while im gone...
your sullen amnesiac,
"i would like a simple life
yet all night i am laying
poems away in a long box"
-anne sexton
Posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 23:42:45
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » sar, posted by kid_A on July 29, 2001, at 2:49:28
Kid_A,
Ah, Radiohead, j'ai m'envie...love OK Computer...& all of Thom Yorke's coolness.
I skipped the thread on favorite poets as I felt it would make me feel too sad (all my books burned in a housefire; cognition too bad to read something as complicated as poetry), but have you read any Charles Bukowski? Ole Hank? Good person to read if you feel like raising hell...many of his best poems are on the internet, check 'em out if you haven't already...
do you ever think of these blackouts as pockets? like this is One Life YES i COULD HAVE stayed home doing fuckall, watering plants listening to music but i like the EXTREMITY of it all, i like having acted completely fucking nuts up to one of the highest degrees of inhibition, and i know how i feel and how i am Quite Disinhibitedly.
the toll on personal life tho, that's what hurts. were you very close to these people?
i want to quit doing this so often. my blackouts have begun again, which i didn't realize until this morning when my mother had given me a look of disgust because she'd found me srunk as hell banging away on the keyboard a few nights ago--"go to bed!" she said. "i'm writing a letter to Sears!" i shouted. "i must write this letter" (i checked to Word later + sober to make sure that i'm not *that* crazy, writing letters to Sears-Roebuck 8 sheets to the wind on cheap wine--a store i never shop at anyway--and there was nothing; i'd been nuttily playing around with my mother.)
"the sins of the amnesiac"--completely as an intellectual topic, are they sins because they obliterate politesse? because drunk you simply go with your id/impulse? my intellectual view of it is, watch a person get stark raving drunk, do it yourself as an experiment. removal of inhibitions.
but not everyday. not too often. i've cried a lot on losing my old friends and scholastics to mentall illness and blackout drinking. it hurts, it hurts.
i hope you enjoy atlanta & the show, in spite of having to paste on a fake smile...forgive me if i've already asked this, but what is your diagnosis/medication?
a hug,
sar
Posted by sar on July 30, 2001, at 16:08:21
In reply to Re: inappropriate, as always » sar, posted by shelliR on July 27, 2001, at 22:13:02
> Hey Sar.
>
> Could you at least commit to staying on the right side of the tracks?
> We'd worry a bit less that way.
>
> take care, Shellioh i'm not going over there again...but i'd been over the tracks before and everything had been cool. i guess it could have happened anywhere, but *especially* on the wrong side.
& how are you, Ms. Shelli?
sar
Posted by shelliR on July 30, 2001, at 22:36:40
In reply to Re: inappropriate, as always » shelliR, posted by sar on July 30, 2001, at 16:08:21
> > Hey Sar.
> >
> > Could you at least commit to staying on the right side of the tracks?
> > We'd worry a bit less that way.
> >
> > take care, Shelli
>
> oh i'm not going over there again...but i'd been over the tracks before and everything had been cool. i guess it could have happened anywhere, but *especially* on the wrong side.
>
> & how are you, Ms. Shelli?
>
> sarWell Ms. S....A...... I spent almost the entire weekend in bed because life was too hard, got myself up, showered, drove to see my therapist today, and she hadn't come back from her vacation yet. I got it wrong. However, as long as I was up and out I went and got myself some food, three flowering perennials for my garden and a refrigerator magnet (for my refrigerator). So my shower was not wasted.
I just did the treadmill.................... time for another shower. good night.
Shelli
Posted by kid_A on August 2, 2001, at 19:21:38
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » kid_A, posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 23:42:45
Bukowski, for some reason I thought he was a woman hater, but I have several female friends who are crazy fond of him, so Ive been turned around on that... I just bought a complete collection of Anne Sexton, but a Bukowski collection caught my eye, its definitely my next purchase...acting up and extremity, yes, yes, i asked my friend the other day if she thought it was strange that i liked to go crazy, maybe i really am bipolar and just don't know it... but i live for it really... i get into a hyper-manic phase as the weekend comes up because i know that im going to go out and luckily i work in a bar where this type of activity is encouraged so their is safety for me there, to totally be free...
> the toll on personal life tho, that's what hurts. were you very close to these people?
am i close to the people who chastised me for acting up? yes, but its behind us all now, both people let it go as quickly as it happened... they are just concerned... i know now that i cant mix sleeping pills and alcohol and i had to learn it the hard way, but thats how i always learn everything...
i dont think i ever want to give up going wild, but i do what to remain in control... i think sometimes i just go overboard when i should have had 1 less drink... whathaveyou... i made an eightball last 2 months so i dont think i am completely compulsive... but try telling that to your shrink...
why would you ever write Sears!? hehe... if only to tell them what a horrible store they had... only my father has outlived me, but i dont know if he could take another addict in the family, my brother was a bit of a fiend, and i dont think he could handle me drunk... as far as he knows im an upstanding individual...
> "the sins of the amnesiac"--completely as an intellectual topic, are they sins because they obliterate politesse? because drunk you simply go with your id/impulse? my intellectual view of it is, watch a person get stark raving drunk, do it yourself as an experiment. removal of inhibitions.
yes yes, unfortunately i dont know all of what i did, but who knows, i could profess my love for the girlfriend of a friend, i pick girls up (litterally) and of course, nobody likes to have their girlfriend picked up... they are only sins because i dont know them... because they are lost... if i am drunk and cognitive i accept my own actions and am fully responsible... im sticking to alcohol (and maybe the stimulantssssss....) but yes, they are only sins because they feel like they were commited by my jeckal, even though hyde is no angel.. but i am all for the removal of inhibitions, i start with none, and then it goes downhill from there...! :)
> but not everyday. not too often. i've cried a lot on losing my old friends and scholastics to mentall illness and blackout drinking. it hurts, it hurts.
we all lose a little bit, but we can gain back everything once we realise that the only things worth having are locked inside of us...
> i hope you enjoy atlanta & the show, in spite of having to paste on a fake smile...forgive me if i've already asked this, but what is your diagnosis/medication?
atlanta, a blast while there, but the ride home is worth a post all by itself, which will be forth comming... it was frightening to say the least... my diagnosis, major depression, life long, i would supose, as long as i was mature enough to recognise depression, or to act on its impulses... its been a long time but i finally decided i didnt wan't to live my life sad... it took a nervous breakdown, but sometimes thats what it takes for catalyst...
> a hug,
> sara requited hug.
-k_A
Posted by kid_A on August 2, 2001, at 19:25:32
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » kid_A, posted by dreamer on July 28, 2001, at 15:17:36
> I remember those daze take care of yourself.
> You know when things slide into the negetive and beyond you try hard to think of something to grasp onto, something to pull you out or to stop the slide- I have binged on pills + large quantities of alcohol and would never preach to stop or condem wild behaviour -I had some good times but calmed down a bit now well try as much as possible to maintain hypomania.Are you saying you no longer indulge? Did you need to go through a rough period to force yourself out of old bad habits? I dont know how to break my habits, they feel good so its hard to stop... I might be bipolar, I dont know, why is hypomania considered an ailment? I have no idea... but I am finding myself in manic phases... maybe this is actually what they call happiness... !?
Posted by dreamer on August 2, 2001, at 23:25:42
In reply to blackout.... again... epilogue...oops, dreamer.... » dreamer, posted by kid_A on August 2, 2001, at 19:25:32
Can't indulge in alchohol various reasons too boring 2 xplain.
Manic can be useful in early stages full blown xtreme mania it aint pleasant not like hypomania.
This is the end of the thread.
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