Posted by kid_A on July 29, 2001, at 2:49:28
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » kid_A, posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 1:38:30
sar,
i knew that you would understand, somehow, you are my soul-mate on this board, and i say that with kind affection, so do not be taken aback by my words, words that are transient and impermanent, though i do place meaning in those words, make no mistake, spoken words, they go as soon as they are said, but written words linger, like the smell of smoke amoungst a forest fire, like the smell of the dead, in the era of plague....friday, my blackout day, was not a bad day, it wasnt a day that i needed to forget myself, that i needed to escape myself, but i am so sad some times, i wonder to myself, what i am doing, what is the purpose for suffering, how can i escape? so i do as much as i can, in proactive stance, to destroy the self, and go beyond my own self, to place it away from my own recolection so that for a few hours i can be free... i dont know why i did these things, friends had words to say to me about my misdeeds, about my actions, they were not thought of as quaint or laughable... some of those words were spoken after the deed, and i know them, some of them i do not know, because they were spoken to me in amoungst my amnesiac phase, they are lost to me now...
yes, i feel repentant, i feel some shame in what ive done, i woke knowing the sins of the amnesiac, the dead awoken at the wake from a night of drinking the dregs, i went back out tonight and had a few beers, im not so bad, though i use drinking as an excuse to go insane, tonight at the bar i dj at i had myself a real good time, and i recall it all, so it is, in itself a good night... i kept it under control...
tommorow, i will be gone, gone to atlanta to see Radiohead play, i will be away for a while on a mini-vactation, visiting my siblings in atlanta and trying to forget my problems for a little while, put on a happy face for the company i keep...
as best i can i am going to try to keep all of my memories, good or bad they are mine and i am entitled to them... thank you for understanding, i knew you would, call it intuition... keep things under control while im gone...
your sullen amnesiac,
"i would like a simple life
yet all night i am laying
poems away in a long box"
-anne sexton
poster:kid_A
thread:8094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010726/msgs/8249.html