Posted by kid_A on August 2, 2001, at 19:21:38
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » kid_A, posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 23:42:45
Bukowski, for some reason I thought he was a woman hater, but I have several female friends who are crazy fond of him, so Ive been turned around on that... I just bought a complete collection of Anne Sexton, but a Bukowski collection caught my eye, its definitely my next purchase...acting up and extremity, yes, yes, i asked my friend the other day if she thought it was strange that i liked to go crazy, maybe i really am bipolar and just don't know it... but i live for it really... i get into a hyper-manic phase as the weekend comes up because i know that im going to go out and luckily i work in a bar where this type of activity is encouraged so their is safety for me there, to totally be free...
> the toll on personal life tho, that's what hurts. were you very close to these people?
am i close to the people who chastised me for acting up? yes, but its behind us all now, both people let it go as quickly as it happened... they are just concerned... i know now that i cant mix sleeping pills and alcohol and i had to learn it the hard way, but thats how i always learn everything...
i dont think i ever want to give up going wild, but i do what to remain in control... i think sometimes i just go overboard when i should have had 1 less drink... whathaveyou... i made an eightball last 2 months so i dont think i am completely compulsive... but try telling that to your shrink...
why would you ever write Sears!? hehe... if only to tell them what a horrible store they had... only my father has outlived me, but i dont know if he could take another addict in the family, my brother was a bit of a fiend, and i dont think he could handle me drunk... as far as he knows im an upstanding individual...
> "the sins of the amnesiac"--completely as an intellectual topic, are they sins because they obliterate politesse? because drunk you simply go with your id/impulse? my intellectual view of it is, watch a person get stark raving drunk, do it yourself as an experiment. removal of inhibitions.
yes yes, unfortunately i dont know all of what i did, but who knows, i could profess my love for the girlfriend of a friend, i pick girls up (litterally) and of course, nobody likes to have their girlfriend picked up... they are only sins because i dont know them... because they are lost... if i am drunk and cognitive i accept my own actions and am fully responsible... im sticking to alcohol (and maybe the stimulantssssss....) but yes, they are only sins because they feel like they were commited by my jeckal, even though hyde is no angel.. but i am all for the removal of inhibitions, i start with none, and then it goes downhill from there...! :)
> but not everyday. not too often. i've cried a lot on losing my old friends and scholastics to mentall illness and blackout drinking. it hurts, it hurts.
we all lose a little bit, but we can gain back everything once we realise that the only things worth having are locked inside of us...
> i hope you enjoy atlanta & the show, in spite of having to paste on a fake smile...forgive me if i've already asked this, but what is your diagnosis/medication?
atlanta, a blast while there, but the ride home is worth a post all by itself, which will be forth comming... it was frightening to say the least... my diagnosis, major depression, life long, i would supose, as long as i was mature enough to recognise depression, or to act on its impulses... its been a long time but i finally decided i didnt wan't to live my life sad... it took a nervous breakdown, but sometimes thats what it takes for catalyst...
> a hug,
> sara requited hug.
-k_A
poster:kid_A
thread:8094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010731/msgs/8601.html