Posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 23:42:45
In reply to Re: blackout.... again... epilogue » sar, posted by kid_A on July 29, 2001, at 2:49:28
Kid_A,
Ah, Radiohead, j'ai m'envie...love OK Computer...& all of Thom Yorke's coolness.
I skipped the thread on favorite poets as I felt it would make me feel too sad (all my books burned in a housefire; cognition too bad to read something as complicated as poetry), but have you read any Charles Bukowski? Ole Hank? Good person to read if you feel like raising hell...many of his best poems are on the internet, check 'em out if you haven't already...
do you ever think of these blackouts as pockets? like this is One Life YES i COULD HAVE stayed home doing fuckall, watering plants listening to music but i like the EXTREMITY of it all, i like having acted completely fucking nuts up to one of the highest degrees of inhibition, and i know how i feel and how i am Quite Disinhibitedly.
the toll on personal life tho, that's what hurts. were you very close to these people?
i want to quit doing this so often. my blackouts have begun again, which i didn't realize until this morning when my mother had given me a look of disgust because she'd found me srunk as hell banging away on the keyboard a few nights ago--"go to bed!" she said. "i'm writing a letter to Sears!" i shouted. "i must write this letter" (i checked to Word later + sober to make sure that i'm not *that* crazy, writing letters to Sears-Roebuck 8 sheets to the wind on cheap wine--a store i never shop at anyway--and there was nothing; i'd been nuttily playing around with my mother.)
"the sins of the amnesiac"--completely as an intellectual topic, are they sins because they obliterate politesse? because drunk you simply go with your id/impulse? my intellectual view of it is, watch a person get stark raving drunk, do it yourself as an experiment. removal of inhibitions.
but not everyday. not too often. i've cried a lot on losing my old friends and scholastics to mentall illness and blackout drinking. it hurts, it hurts.
i hope you enjoy atlanta & the show, in spite of having to paste on a fake smile...forgive me if i've already asked this, but what is your diagnosis/medication?
a hug,
sar
poster:sar
thread:8094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010726/msgs/8337.html