![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shar on June 28, 2001, at 22:33:55
.....and her aunt needs help.
I spoke with my niece today who is in her mid-twenties and very depressed, lots of hopelessness. I realized in talking with her that I am sort of at a loss to offer guidance to someone who doesn't want meds. She has taken meds before and thinks they will either cause brain damage, or she'll be an addict. She has had limited success with meds and I'm not sure of her compliance level when taking them.
I couldn't think of much to suggest aside from counseling/CBT. She is unemployed, she says the only free counseling help or med help is for people who are hurting themselves. She said she can't get in (hospital or counseling) unless she is about to commit suicide so they won't help her.
I suggested some things, and got a blanket "that won't work because" response. I know how bad it sucks to be depressed, and yet I feel frustrated dealing with her. I know part of her no-win attitude may be the depression itself. I don't think it is truly accurate that the only help available is for suicidal people, because I've worked in the non-profit community here and know of other resources that I told her about. She has been through this type of experience before, quitting her meds cold turkey, then being 'unable' to find any help.
She doesn't have regular internet access for internet help.
I invited her to come to my house and she said she couldn't, plus neither her mother (who lives across the street from me) nor I could really do anything to help her.
Arrrggghhh. Any suggestions that do not include my working her program? I believe she needs to take steps to help herself, and I will cheerlead but I won't take her steps or make her decisions for her.
Suggestions will be most appreciated.
Shar
Posted by mila on June 29, 2001, at 5:56:05
In reply to Depressed Niece wants no meds...., posted by Shar on June 28, 2001, at 22:33:55
>
> I suggested some things, and got a blanket "that won't work because" response.Hi Shar,
it seems to me that there is some payoff/secondary gain to her in this situation. She is or might be scared of change.
i would suggest being gentle, not pushing at all. If conversation will happen, initiated by her, refer to it as a disorder/disease whih can be successfully cured or controlled, to insinuate that it has to be treated medically/by specialists.
Encourage her talking about her little successes, everyday achievements, ways in which she controls her life. Once her self-esteem will be a bit lifted, ask her about ways she could go about her disorder.this is a very delicate situation indeed. I admire your courage.
good luck
mila
Posted by tina on June 29, 2001, at 9:19:49
In reply to Depressed Niece wants no meds...., posted by Shar on June 28, 2001, at 22:33:55
it's so sad but unfortunately I don't think anything you do will help. She will come to the decision to help herself eventually but trying to convince her now is just hurting you. Watch her, listen to her, be there for her. That's all any of us can do.
It is frustrating, I know.
thinking about you
Tina> .....and her aunt needs help.
>
> I spoke with my niece today who is in her mid-twenties and very depressed, lots of hopelessness. I realized in talking with her that I am sort of at a loss to offer guidance to someone who doesn't want meds. She has taken meds before and thinks they will either cause brain damage, or she'll be an addict. She has had limited success with meds and I'm not sure of her compliance level when taking them.
>
> I couldn't think of much to suggest aside from counseling/CBT. She is unemployed, she says the only free counseling help or med help is for people who are hurting themselves. She said she can't get in (hospital or counseling) unless she is about to commit suicide so they won't help her.
>
> I suggested some things, and got a blanket "that won't work because" response. I know how bad it sucks to be depressed, and yet I feel frustrated dealing with her. I know part of her no-win attitude may be the depression itself. I don't think it is truly accurate that the only help available is for suicidal people, because I've worked in the non-profit community here and know of other resources that I told her about. She has been through this type of experience before, quitting her meds cold turkey, then being 'unable' to find any help.
>
> She doesn't have regular internet access for internet help.
>
> I invited her to come to my house and she said she couldn't, plus neither her mother (who lives across the street from me) nor I could really do anything to help her.
>
> Arrrggghhh. Any suggestions that do not include my working her program? I believe she needs to take steps to help herself, and I will cheerlead but I won't take her steps or make her decisions for her.
>
> Suggestions will be most appreciated.
> Shar
Posted by Anna Laura on June 29, 2001, at 13:28:22
In reply to Depressed Niece wants no meds...., posted by Shar on June 28, 2001, at 22:33:55
> .....and her aunt needs help.
>
> I spoke with my niece today who is in her mid-twenties and very depressed, lots of hopelessness. I realized in talking with her that I am sort of at a loss to offer guidance to someone who doesn't want meds. She has taken meds before and thinks they will either cause brain damage, or she'll be an addict. She has had limited success with meds and I'm not sure of her compliance level when taking them.
>
> I couldn't think of much to suggest aside from counseling/CBT. She is unemployed, she says the only free counseling help or med help is for people who are hurting themselves. She said she can't get in (hospital or counseling) unless she is about to commit suicide so they won't help her.
>
> I suggested some things, and got a blanket "that won't work because" response. I know how bad it sucks to be depressed, and yet I feel frustrated dealing with her. I know part of her no-win attitude may be the depression itself. I don't think it is truly accurate that the only help available is for suicidal people, because I've worked in the non-profit community here and know of other resources that I told her about. She has been through this type of experience before, quitting her meds cold turkey, then being 'unable' to find any help.
>
> She doesn't have regular internet access for internet help.
>
> I invited her to come to my house and she said she couldn't, plus neither her mother (who lives across the street from me) nor I could really do anything to help her.
>
> Arrrggghhh. Any suggestions that do not include my working her program? I believe she needs to take steps to help herself, and I will cheerlead but I won't take her steps or make her decisions for her.
>
> Suggestions will be most appreciated.
> SharHi Shar,
May be the following issue is not going to fit your problem properly (sorry for my bad english, it's not my language) but i had a similar problem with my ex-fianceé : he suffers from aids. Well, i've been trying to help him for years (when he got sick we wern't engaged anymore but ther's a very strong tie with this guy: i'm his best friend). He didn't want any help also: he rejected me and i felt hurt for that .He didn't wash, didn't shave, always wearing the same clothes for weeks, he didn't keep his house clean, he slept with cats and dogs on his bed. People would sneak in to his house to steal his medicines. I was constantly at the door holding a hatchet in my hand not to let them in.
I cleaned the house every single day and the day after it was a horrible mess again.
I tried and tried but the problem was that he didn't want to help himself. Only lately i found out why: it might sound obvious but i never thought about it: he was in denial because he was scared as hell. One day he told me he was afraid to go to sleep and not to wake up again, so he kept himself awake.
Just a few days ago i talked with him on the phone; i told him :"Do you remember my grandmother? She died last week." He hung up the phone.
I don't know, i might be wrong, but what if your nice doesn't want help because she is too scared?
She might be scared of the illness,of being judged insane, she might actually think she's going to become crazy, or may be she's afraid of the stigma....Good luck
Anna Laura
Posted by stjames on June 29, 2001, at 14:24:51
In reply to Re: Depressed Niece wants no meds....She might be , posted by Anna Laura on June 29, 2001, at 13:28:22
Anna..
Well done ! I think you have hit on why so many
avoid treatment.james
Posted by sl on June 29, 2001, at 18:41:44
In reply to Depressed Niece wants no meds...., posted by Shar on June 28, 2001, at 22:33:55
> I couldn't think of much to suggest aside from counseling/CBT. She is unemployed, she says the only free counseling help or med help is for people who are hurting themselves. She said she can't get in (hospital or counseling) unless she is about to commit suicide so they won't help her.
She's right.
I was looking into this for myself while unemployed, and there's either a big waiting list or NO services at all unless you're suicidal.
sl
Posted by sar on June 30, 2001, at 12:50:35
In reply to Re: Depressed Niece wants no meds...., posted by sl on June 29, 2001, at 18:41:44
I resisted meds for a long time for the same reason. Got paxil, heard about the weight gain, didn't like the way it made me felt and threw it away after only a week. nine months later i hit rock bottom after a long ride down. went to the psych on my own, i was sick of people saying "but you seem so normal" thinking i was happy and functional when really i want to scream from the rooftops I'M SAD, I FEEL SO HORRIBLE, PLEASE HELP ME. finally i did. i called the psych. last week i sat on my porch debating, Should I go to work tomorrow, or should I hang myself from this tree? Then I got drunk and called the police to come pick me up.
I'm 23, i think this is a difficult age to be, and if she's med-resistant, well--maybe she'll realize on her own that she needs help. She will realize it on her own.
You sound like a good aunt. Keep being supportive. Just *being there* can be so much more important than trying to do the "right" thing. or maybe you could share your own experiences, ie "going to therapy relaxes me," "wow Pill X has really helped me feel better."
good luck,
sar
Posted by Kristi on June 30, 2001, at 23:58:42
In reply to Re: Depressed Niece wants no meds...., posted by sar on June 30, 2001, at 12:50:35
Hi Shar,
I totally agree with Anna.... she is probably scared. I myself was always terrified of them... finally tried effexor a few months ago.. had an awful reaction... so I don't think I'll ever try anything again.
Your doing the best you can... just being there for her if she needs you! She'll come to a decision eventually,, and maybe decide to give them a try. Hang in there.... Kristi> I resisted meds for a long time for the same reason. Got paxil, heard about the weight gain, didn't like the way it made me felt and threw it away after only a week. nine months later i hit rock bottom after a long ride down. went to the psych on my own, i was sick of people saying "but you seem so normal" thinking i was happy and functional when really i want to scream from the rooftops I'M SAD, I FEEL SO HORRIBLE, PLEASE HELP ME. finally i did. i called the psych. last week i sat on my porch debating, Should I go to work tomorrow, or should I hang myself from this tree? Then I got drunk and called the police to come pick me up.
>
> I'm 23, i think this is a difficult age to be, and if she's med-resistant, well--maybe she'll realize on her own that she needs help. She will realize it on her own.
>
> You sound like a good aunt. Keep being supportive. Just *being there* can be so much more important than trying to do the "right" thing. or maybe you could share your own experiences, ie "going to therapy relaxes me," "wow Pill X has really helped me feel better."
>
> good luck,
> sar
Posted by Shar on July 2, 2001, at 23:27:35
In reply to Re: Depressed Niece wants no meds....shar, posted by Kristi on June 30, 2001, at 23:58:42
I had not given much thought to the fact that I was meds resistant for so many years--I've been depressed for about 35 years, and at first the meds were so awful I didn't want them....the whole snake pit thing.
Then, I did try prozac and it didn't have much impact. Finally, I decided to get serious about 5 or 6 years ago. I wasn't scared about brain damage or addiction, just that they would have horrible side effects and not help with depression.
Some were pretty horrible, and they have made me decidedly dumber (I am now a poor speller after decades of being an A+ speller), but also less depressed.
With my niece, I will hang in there, she is welcome to come over, and I always talk straight with her about whatever is going on (if she is suicidal or something).
Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it, and hearing your stories helped me understand things more clearly.
Shar
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.