Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 496916

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Abov for everyone Will responsd individually later (nm)

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:33:20

In reply to Thanks a lot. I didn't expect so much of response. » PM80, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:32:04

 

Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » messadivoce

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 15:33:20

In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on May 12, 2005, at 21:10:43

Thanks Voce.

I was very much a tom boy, too fat and ugly, and not elegant at all, and didn't dress at all like a woman - my dad thought it was so cool that I was like that, and he didn't want me to dress well at all..he thought nobody should dress well. And that it is pretty cool. He had several several strange notions.

I am glad your T helped you in that way. My ex T helped a little bit too - but I had such limited time face to face with him. I wish I had lot more time in sessions rather than emails all the time. That might have really really helped me.

But externally by the time I met him I was all woman - used to dress well, lost all my extra weight and I guess became much more feminine than what I was before - so he also didn't suspect I had more issues suppressed inside.

My husband has a different picture of what a woman would be - he still lives about 20 years back atleast, and it is hard to kind of make him understand why I might want to be free, and talk freely and stuff. Though of late he seems to be really changing. Wonder if it will last though.

> Growing up, I didn't feel like it was safe to be a woman. My T and I worked a lot on that, actually. I was a tomboy as a kid and a teen. My dad never really affirmed me as a woman, and made me feel dumb when I dressed too "girly" around him. When I went to college I still never felt comfortable dressing up really pretty. I wore a skirt to a session once with my T and I felt soooo self conscious. It became an issue in the session that we talked about.
>
> My T helped me become more comfortable with my sexuality as a woman. I didn't feel like my sexuality threatened him like I felt it did my dad. He even told me once he thought I was an attractive person. I know he meant the whole package, including my personality, but he must have thought I wasn't bad looking. ;-) I feel much more confident in myself as a woman now. I enjoy getting dressed up more even though I still do love my jeans. :-)
>
> As for the men in my life...my dad never really treated me with respect, even the respect you show a child. He never told me I looked nice. I always felt suspicious of men. Which made for some really interesting sessions with my male T. My fiance treats me with wonderful respect and love and consideration, and I love it! He thinks I look good no matter what I'm wearing, too, and will tell me I look nice.
>
> I guess I consider myself a good *person* more than a good woman. But I like myself as a woman. I'm comfortable with that. But I'm not super girly or anything. It's just not me.
>
>

 

Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » JenStar

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 15:41:46

In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on May 12, 2005, at 23:25:22

> Pinkeye, I'm sorry to hear that you don't like yourself right now. I hope that changes. I hope you can see the wonderfulness in youself! Because you ARE an awesome, interesting, smart, fun person. And you deserve a man who sees that in you and treats you with respect.


I am realizing more and more that I never liked myself much. I thought I liked myself, but that was very superficial. I think I never thought of myself as fully capable of being a good woman. I always thought I shouldn't marry a good man - because it would spoil his life. Still I am very emotionally troubled person. I am anxious, tensed, and agitated many times.. and I don't know how to be serene and calm and happy and peaceful. My mind is lot better than my emotions are.. when I operate out of my mind, I am in full control, but when I operate out of my emotional self, I completey mess things us.


>
> I believe you T could be right - after so many years of being treated like a "second class citizen" by your dad -- even though he loved you of a kind, in his own strange way -- you are no longer capable of thinking of yourself like a first class person that you are.
>
> It might be something you need to work on - respecting yourself and demanding it from others, esp. your husband. However, if your husband is steeped in a culture and tradition that believes woman are inferior, there is little chance he will ever change. Either you need to accept him and that life (no!!!) or you need to change yourself, which might mean leaving him.

My husband is a good guy - very nice and affectionate for the most part. And I think he is stressed as well, and acts rash sometimes.

But good thing is, he is trying to understand things a lot.. so there is hope.

But somehow I never really think too much about him. I don't feel so connected to him.. or maybe I feel connected to him, but I am not able to kind of rely on him. I always feel I need to do things..even though I do know that he is responsible.

My guess is, my problems with my hsuband right now, has more to do with me (my problems with my dad) than really to do with him.

>
> I know that right NOW you don't feel emotionally ready to do it. But maybe there is a reserve of strength in you. I mean, if you're sad and lonely in a bad relationship, you're kind of alone anyway, right? Wouldn't it be better to be free and able to start over? I don't know if your relationshipw ith your hubby is to that point, or if it's salvagable. But I DO know that you will need to take a stand for yourself and make sure that you get the respect you deserve. There could be any number of reasons why you are the way you are, but you have the choice to change if you want to. At least, that's what I believe!

I also believe in that - that I can change now.. that is what I am trying to do. I think maybe the problme is I need someone little older than me as a husband, and whom I can fully trust and depend on. I am not able to visualize my husband like that.. so there is always a little disconcert in the relationship.

>
> In any case, I do like myself most of the time, although there are many things I wish I could improve or change. I love my husband dearly. He loves me, treats me kindly. We laugh and joke and share things together. He is supportive. I love him and feel lucky to have him.
>
> I wish you all the best.
> JenStar

Thanks Jenstar. For me reading aobut other people's good relationship with men in their life is pretty interesting. Because in my family circle, I don't think any man used to respect their wives. And I always thought that is how things are everywhere. Only when I started working, and started meeting other good men, I realized that men could be good also. It was a turning point in my life.


 

Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 15:51:47

In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 5:00:20

> I don’t often think of myself as a woman. Sometimes I think of myself as being a bit like a child, and sometimes I think of myself as a person (gender neutral). I only think of myself as a woman when I’m thinking politically.

I think of myself as a child LOT of times. But I always want to be a woman - never gender neutral. That makes me feel very uncomfortable.

And I really liked what you have said below here.. That is true about the fact that being a woman is more defined as "not being a man". I guess lot of my problems came from that.. In my family circle at that time, "Not being a man" was defined as being weak, and thin, and meek, and be able to cook and be affectionate towards everyone and not talk against anyone. In fact lot of my cousins had to stop studying because their parents were afriad they will become too brainy. My father was exceptional in that way. But he could have taught me a more right way of being a person - I think he rebelled against this idea of woman in general, and instead brought me up more like a man in the beginning - not allowing me to dress, not allowing me to learn cooking, always asking me to study, and I guess he wanted to bring me up as a strong and good owman, but ended up confusing me even more.

I am not sure about men needing more sex than woman and about prostitutes and stuff. I think men do need more sex than woman in general.. and I do not agree on prostitution.. So I think I have to differ here. But I do know being a prostitute doesn't make you a bad person - it is just so very hard for me to imagine that a woman can do it as a profession. I cannot have sex with anyone I am not emotionally connected to.

 

Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » sunny10

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:01:10

In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger**, posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 8:26:34

Thanks a lot Sunny.

I really am happy that one person here has the same issues like me.

But my situtation is really not that bad. My husband is very decent and nice and most of the times pretty considerate. HE did get violent several times - maybe about 10 or 15 times, but it never went too bad. I got really frightened, but I don't think he would ever completely loose control and beat me up very much. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I don't know. All I know is so far it hasn't gone out of control.

I don't behave like a doormat all the time.. And maybe I shouldn't have put with stuff that I put up with, but in the end, he is a good guy.

But you are right, I think sometimes, I just give in because I basically think I am not too worthy, whereas I should really stand up to myself. His cult doesn't teach him violent behavior.. actually they do advocate women are subservient to men, but they also say that a good man never mistreats a woman. So I don't know.

I guess I would be happier if my hsuband was more open, and more living in this day and time, and more free, and if he would let me be free completely without putting restrictions. He gets very upset if I have other male friends. And maybe you are right, if I stay with him, I probably wouldnt grow up to fulfill myself.. but I am scared of loneliness and finding someone else who would treat me with respect and like me.. my ex T treated me with respect, but he didn't like me much. And I haven't met anyone who treated me with respect and liked me, and who I liked back. So I don't think I have too many options even if I leave my hsuband.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » B2chica

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:02:56

In reply to ask yourself this..., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:27:09

thanks B2Chica. India is probably better for me in terms of social support and stuff. But getting a divorce in India is much harder and having to live after divorce is not accepted very much. There is lot of social stigma attached to divorce, and I wouldn't be comfortable walking around as a divorcee in India.

My husband is a good guy though. Sometimes he loses control, but who doesn't?

 

Re: (((pinkeye))) » PM80

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:05:47

In reply to (((pinkeye))), posted by PM80 on May 13, 2005, at 11:59:28

The parts that you have said here are all my operating out of my mind. You probably are not aware of how I am when I operate out of my emotions. I have zero emotional handling capacity. My ex T also said the same thing. I am not good at being happy or peaceful or face consequences.. I am too chicken, and childish, and adamant, and tortured and conflicted, and confused, and scared and afraid and guilty.. These are my emotions.. When I write to you guys here, I write more from my brain, that is why you guys seem to like me. If I write from my emotions, I am sure none of you would like me. I am 1000 times more controlled when I operate out of my mind.

 

And I fooled my ex T also the same way. » pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:38:31

In reply to Re: (((pinkeye))) » PM80, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:05:47

I think he also saw the same parts that you guys see - saw me operating intellectually, and thought everything was fine with me.

I think he didn't see the more scared and hurt and agitated and confused person inside. I don't blame him. I didn't let him know about this part that much.

 

Re: ask yourself this...

Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:47:01

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » B2chica, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:02:56


> My husband is a good guy though. Sometimes he loses control, but who doesn't?

Enough to hit or beat? I don't. My husband doesn't. My son doesn't. My father didn't. My brother doesn't. I'd be very surprised if my therapist did, or any number of other people I know. But those I know for sure.

My mother did. But only with me and my brother. She didn't "lose control" at work and slug her boss. She didn't yank the hair of people at the clubs she belonged to, no matter how mad she got. So did she ever really "lose control" at all? I don't think so. I think she "lost control" very purposefully.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 20:33:57

In reply to Re: ask yourself this..., posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:47:01

Hmmm.. You guys are making me think.

After all, I am not really too bad to get beaten up.. And it feels really really bad. I haven't told my parents so far, but if I tell them it will be the end of my marriage.

And this has happened nearly 10 - 15 times in the past couple of years. And I know I have been in my best behavior in the last two years.

Or maybe he will be allright if we go back to India. Maybe that is what is making him so mad.
I don't know. I am scared either way - to stay with him, or to leave him. He is a very nice guy basically - that much is for sure.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 20:38:41

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 20:33:57

And I don't necessarily like him all that much.. There are way too many conflicts.. issues about every thing. And it is really hard for both of us to agree on many things, so we don't talk too much..

But he says he loves me. and that he would never ever want to leave me. I am not so sure myself. I think I like him, and he is very affectionate, and very nice, and pleasant to have around most of the times. But for some reason I never trust him too much. And I don't feel too connected with him. I never felt very attracted or think about him or anything. And I used to think maybe it was my own problems that I am not able to love him. But maybe he has his own problems as well. Otherwise, people wouldn't get into too fanatical cults. But he puts up with me. I used to be very bad in the first year in our marriage.. but after therapy I completely changed that.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » Dinah

Posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2005, at 21:17:46

In reply to Re: ask yourself this..., posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:47:01

Thanks, Dinah, for somehow reading my mind - yet again. Because I care so very much about Pinkeye, and I am deeply disturbed by what she's written.

But, I am so triggered by this thread I haven't really been able to effectively post yet. I'll try a little bit now.

Pinkeye, I know you'll read this eventually....first, don't apologize for anything I'M feeling. I know you are so sweet and caring you'll worry first about me. I'm fine. In fact, I needed to find out if my own domestic abuse experiences years ago really were all dealt with or not. Now I know, so I can take this issue up with my T. sometime.

Second, I can only say to you that I've lived through this, and spent time in a women's shelter on 3 occasions. Unfortunately.

Just listen very carefully to what all your caring Babble friends are saying here. Just listen and think. I know it's scary and hard, but your life could depend on it.

Please, please be careful dear pinkeye. Accidents can happen when people are out of control and violent. So it really never matters what the intention was, after it's too late...

**The behaviors your husband is engaging in almost ALWAYS escalate. I mean over 90% of the time** :-(

I'll try to post more as soon as I can. I probably just need to calm down the rage a little bit first.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » 10derHeart

Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 21:37:50

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2005, at 21:17:46

Thanks so much 10derHeart. I am sorry if it brings up previous bad memories for you. You don't have to post when you are feeling bad or triggered ok?

My husband is really really a good guy.. I think he is tortured because he is staying in the US. He wants to go to India, and I have been trying to hold him here for a long time. I think it is a huge mistake on my part.

But unfortunately, going back to India triggers too much of emotions myself.. I feel my life and all my efforts so far, is completely meaningless. And I end up completely getting depressed and mad if I think of having to go back to India. Believe, I have honestly tried several several several times to make up my mind.. both with my ex T and my current T, but I always end up getting depressed and crying. And I just cannot think of going back.

And I think the ideal solution is for both of us to split. Besides this india/us issue, we don't think alike too much in many things. But we both still have lot of unconditional positive regards and affection towards each other.. Somehow we have managed to survive everything that has come up so far without any amount of bitterness or anger towards each other. We still have good times together.

And I don't trust my own judgement too much.. especially in relationships. So I tend to think that I am the one who is wrong. My emotional self is totally unhealthy one - I am very complicated, childish, immature, adamant, cannot take defeat, and feel worthless, and hurt etc. And I think, that if I leave him, then more than likely I will never find anyone good. And even if I meet someone good and I like them, they are almost always married already and they don't like me too much (it has happened twice already - once wiht a colleague and my exT). So I don't really think I can trust myself to get out of this marriage and go and find someone else. Plus I am an indian, and that makes things 100 times more difficult for me. Plus this kind of thing is very common in India as far as I know. If all indian women have to leave their husbands, then pretty much none of the marriages would survive. It is changing nowadayds, but still is very prevalent.

And the basic point, is, I don't trust my own judgment too much. especially wrt to liking a man or disliking a man.. I tend to project too much of my own stuff, and not understand the other person.

 

Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye

Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 8:52:02

In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:01:10

there are plenty of men whom you haven't met yet...

Also, there are men that you have met, but they haven't met the true you that you keep hidden inside.

So never think that you don't have options, or that you will never find a mate, because you will-if you give yourself permission to be yourself.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » pinkeye

Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 8:59:40

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 21:37:50

just a quick one- don't make excuses for him.

I have very recently gone through a very terrifying violently ended argument with my SO.

I can UNDERSTAND what led him to do what he did- but ultimately, HE is responsible for making sure it never happens again. I have already told him that I WILL NOT continue trying to make this relationship work unless he goes into anger management therapy and gets to the bottom of his own issues. Their issues ARE NOT OURS TO FIGURE OUT OR TO FIX.

They belong to our violent men and they MUST be dealt with or WE HAVE TO LEAVE THEM. There are plenty of shelters that would help you if you need the help. Remember one thing. Wherever you go; there you are. For your husband- if he takes you back to India, he will still be the same man. A change in scenery does not change the man.

Period.

Oh, and one more thing... please tell your parents what is happening.

 

wouldn't India be more dangerous?

Posted by Joslynn on May 17, 2005, at 16:08:01

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 21:37:50

If domestic abuse is more tolerated in India as you said, wouldn't it actually be more dangerous to go there? I know it happens here too, but at least here, you have some chance of protection and legal recourse.

By the way, from what I have read, abusers will keep abusing regardless of where they live.

Take care of yourself. Someone around here recently got killed by her husband. She probably thought he was basically a "nice guy" too.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » sunny10

Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 16:26:02

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » pinkeye, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 8:59:40

Thanks Sunny.

But my husband is really a nice guy. I would say even better than me as a person.

That is what makes me think twice.

Maybe it is just me who is making him angry. I really don't know the right approach. If I tell my T here, she says walk away from the marriage. But I know in India it is lot more tolerated, and people won't divorce people just because they get physically violent.

I wish I could tell my ex T and get his opinion. He might know better. He knew it used to happen before, but I didn't really make a big issue out of it. So I guess he thought it was an one time affair. And my husband is very stressed now, and I am hoping he will change if he gets a chance to live in India. I don't know.

 

Re: wouldn't India be more dangerous? perhaps » Joslynn

Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 16:28:27

In reply to wouldn't India be more dangerous?, posted by Joslynn on May 17, 2005, at 16:08:01

It is more tolerated there. I am sure if I go and complain to someone there, they would say why are you making a huge deal out of it. Especially when the violence hasn't gotten out of hand. I have even heard comments like "It is actually very good for a man to beat his wife and keep her in line - It proves he is a MAN etc.". I am not sure how things are now.

But I will also have my parents there. So worst case, I can go to my parents house. I don't know too much though. Will have to see how things turn up.

 

Re: ask yourself this... » pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 17:31:55

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 16:26:02

> Thanks Sunny.
>
> But my husband is really a nice guy. I would say even better than me as a person.

Well.. except that he is physically violent towards you.

> That is what makes me think twice.

The confusing thing is that nice people can do bad things. He might well be nice, but I have to admit, I think violence towards a partner is unacceptable behavior, no matter how good he may be in other respects.

> Maybe it is just me who is making him angry. I really don't know the right approach. If I tell my T here, she says walk away from the marriage. But I know in India it is lot more tolerated, and people won't divorce people just because they get physically violent.

Is that partly an economic issue? Certainly in circumstances where it's economically harder for a woman to leave a man, violence is usually more tolerated. And no matter how angry you make him, he has no right to hit you.

> I wish I could tell my ex T and get his opinion. He might know better. He knew it used to happen before, but I didn't really make a big issue out of it. So I guess he thought it was an one time affair. And my husband is very stressed now, and I am hoping he will change if he gets a chance to live in India. I don't know.

Pinkeye, it usually gets worse instead of better, no matter what the circumstances. Did you know that most domestic violence begins when a woman is pregnant? I know you're not planning children at the moment, but if he's already violent now, what will you be willing to put up with if you do get pregnant?

Sorry to sound so negative, but I hate it when people I care about are being hurt, especially in this way. I just don't see that there's any excuse for violence.

 

Why is it such a big deal? » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 18:42:37

In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 17:31:55

I have seen everybody being hit. They all survived. My dad has slapped my mom. Maybe 3 - 4 occasions. It never went out of hand for him. And every family I knew, there was always atleast a few incidences in each family. Many families had it much worse. All my uncles hit their wives. Pretty much everyone I knew. My fahter's brothers, my mom's brothers everyone hit their wives - atleast a few times in their lives

So that is why I don't make a big deal out of it. And I am aware that in the west it is not tolerated at all, but that is what I would expect from any indian guy. And none of my relative women got murdered. I have even know cases, where the woman was asked to stand in the hot sun (at more than 100 degrees heat) in barefeet the whole day. In my own relatives.

That is why I don't make a big issue out of it. Women don't walk away, because they are not capable economically. And it is prohibited highly in the society.

 

Re: Why is it such a big deal? » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:23:42

In reply to Why is it such a big deal? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 18:42:37

I think it's a big deal because it's a choice he's making, and it's not a choice that's respectful of you at all.

But I think it's a bigger deal for your daughters and sons. Do you want your daughter to be hit? Do you want her to grow up thinking it's ok to be violent as long as the violence is against women? Do you want her beautiful dark hair to be yanked? Do you want her to think she deserves to be hit?

Do you want your son to grow up to think it's ok to hit as long as it's women he's hitting? Do you want him to think it's ok to make those choices?

If you model that behavior for them, you might as well tell them "Daughter, go find a man who will hit you and pull your hair." "Son, beat up on any woman who is not perfectly obedient to you."

A friend of mine had a husband with a whole slew of flaws. I never said one word about any of them until she told me he had hit her, to the point of knocking her out once. Her kids were left to check on her and make sure she was ok. I didn't think that was ok, and I for the first time said something about her marriage. I told her to look at her beautiful daughters. And to realize that even though their Dad didn't hit them, she was teaching them that husbands hit wives, and that it was ok for them to be hit.

It's not ok for you to be hit. And it's not ok to abuse children by letting them see their same sex parent disrespected and abused. And it's not ok to abuse children by teaching them that it's ok to abuse either.

 

P.S.

Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:25:44

In reply to Re: Why is it such a big deal? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:23:42

She left him. And gave her daughters the very clear message that it is not ok at all for husbands to hit wives. And that if anyone laid a hand on them they should leave. Because they deserved better.

 

But I have nowhere else to go » Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 20:39:53

In reply to Re: Why is it such a big deal? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:23:42

What would I do if I leave him for this? No good guy from India would marry me. They do not marry a divorcee. And even if someone marries me, they would surely be much worse than my husband.

And I don't think good guys like me. My ex T was a good guy - he didn't like me. I liked another guy once - he was also already married. I might like good guys, but they have to like me back right? The other guy actually told me he really liked me. But what to do - he was already married and was in love with his wife. And my ex T told me there is no question of liking me. And I haven't liked anyone too much other than these two. I had crush on couple of guys - but then later I realized that they were complete jerks. I wouldn't marry them even if they give me million dollars though at that time I thought they were really cool and had a huge crush. And now I am not even sure what my feelings towards my ex T and the other guy was. My new T tells me that all my liking so far were complete trasnference, and it is all a projection - she says that is why I chose to like people who were already married in the first place. So I don't know even if I can trust my own feelings of like/dislike. I don't know if my lack of attachment to my husband also has to do soemthing with transference. I sometimes think maybe he is really nice, but I am not able to like him because I don't have any dad transference to him (he is younger to me, so I don't think of him like my dad). My new T tells me that I don't like any guy who is not like my dad.

And in the friends that I see around, there is nobody I would want to be married to.

I had 3 - 4 guys (who were good) who proposed to me, but I didn't like them.

It is 1000 times more difficult for an indian woman to leave her husband than it is for an american woman.

Besides, I feel my hsuband is really good anyways. He expects me to do things as he wishes, but as long as I do them like he wants, he is completely affectionate and caring. Only when there are problems and I don't want what he wants there is an issue. Nowadays, I don't say anything against him. I just don't talk to him about any serious issues. I come to babble. I just talk superficially to him.

But actually he has been trying to be very nice to me in the past 4 months.. excpet this couple of occasions when he pulled my hair and forced me etc.

 

Re: But I have nowhere else to go » pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:50:03

In reply to But I have nowhere else to go » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 20:39:53

Well, that could use some brainstorming.

You're ok financially. You're ok living here, in fact you want to. Would your family disown you if you divorced?

But you feel you need to be married, and wouldn't be happy living alone. And you feel that you need to marry an Indian man, who wouldn't feel free to marry a divorcee. You wouldn't be happy being married to a man who wasn't of your religion? Is that Hindu or Buddhist? Would an American man who embraced Buddhism be acceptable?

I take it you aren't like me. If I hadn't met a guy like my husband, I'd have been a perfectly happy spinster.

How old are you now? How old would you feel you needed to be married by?

Do you want to have kids? Do you want to have them with this man? I can assure you that kids will not be as careful of your husband as you are being. Will it be ok to you if he hits them? Will he consider that acceptable? What if you stay with him, but don't have kids? Would that be ok with you?

Just throwing out questions so that I can get a better idea of where you are at in your thinking.

 

But to be clear

Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:56:32

In reply to Re: But I have nowhere else to go » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2005, at 20:50:03

I don't actually advise that anyone *leave* their husband except as a last resort.

In a perfect world, husbands would choose to make changes that would enable wives to stay with them while retaining their self respect, and provide children with good role models of what it means to be a man, a husband, a father.


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