![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 19:04:53
Hi everyone,
I'm sorry for posting yet again. *sigh* I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here....maybe to figure out whether I'm right in feeling that my T is over her head with me, and that I did the right thing by leaving.
Just a bit of background for those of you who haven't followed the Continuing Drama....
....I see a LICSW at my University where I'm a grad student. I started therapy last July 2003; it's the first time I've ever been in therapy. I went mainly because of anxiety and depression, but I have an eating disorder also (anorexia) which I tend to minimize and I'm not sure I 100% want help for that yet.
My T and I have a pretty good relationship...but therapy tends to get in the way, sometime. We seem to have a fairly unique, close, and caring relationship. I've often wondered if she's too invested emotionally, if she might have some counter-transference issues going on (or maybe she just happens to be a very caring individual and wants to much to help people). I think she might be over her head in dealing with me; I have a lot of complex issues and I think she's more used to dealing with undergrads who have more surface issues. AND I tend to test her patience because it's so very hard for me to just talk to her (which, um, is pretty much what therapy is, or supposed to be). For a year we've arm-wrestled (her words); she tries to pull from me and I do all I can to shut her out (not consciously). I want more than anything to be able to give her what she needs from me, to be able to go in there and just talk about stuff, but I just can't. I have a lot of issues around talking/not talking, and I've NEVER talked about my inner stuff to anyone (it was never really allowed in my family at all). And I think those childhood issues, coupled with the eating disorder, makes for one numb and closed-off client, which makes it twice as hard.
I've quit a few times over the past year; usually because I get frustrated with myself, but each time my T calls or emails and talks me into going back. Sometimes she'll say things that hurt....She questions why I'm there, what I want, what I need, but I know she's frustrated and my silences bother her. But she tends to take things very personally (or at least reacts that way), especially any anger I may have (the one emotion I'm pretty comfortable with showing). She gets defensive, and she tends to always focus on my negative behaviors or actions (showing anger, or things I may say or write that she construes to mean more than I meant when I said them), and she rarely brings up the nice things I've done or say to her. She's very open in trying to show caring, but when I try to show it back she seems to never really acknowledge it, and then she'll later ask it from me. For example, last week I was in a car accident and had to cancel my appt. She emailed me on Thursday and asked how I was, said she was thinking of me and hoped I was okay. I thought that was very sweet of her, and wanted to tell her how much I needed to hear from her and how much her note meant to me. So I emailed her back on Friday. I saw her yesterday....she didn't mention the email I sent, but then she said that I could have thanked her for her note and said that I know she cares even though I say I think she doesn't. She's done this more than once and I dont get it....it's like she's asking me to care for her and to show it directly. She's actually asked me right out once that it would be nice to let her know once in a while that I think she's doing a
good job, and this was AFTER I had written a 3/4 page email to her thanking her and telling her how much our relationship meant to me (b/c the week before she said something about blaming herself for my being stuck and I felt badly that she felt that way).She just makes me feel worse about myself than I already do. She's pretty much confirming all of the crap I think about myself. I must be as horrid as I think I am if I provoke this kind of frustration in my T, right?
So last night, I went in. Here's just some of what she said to me:
"You make it impossible to help you, you make it impossible to leave you….it’s like nobody can figure out what to do with you.”
“You don’t talk to me, you don’t interact with me.”
[her] “You can get up, you can go to the door, you can sit there and get pissy at me –“
[me] “I’m not pissy, I just don’t know what to say.”
[her] “Well, did you hear what I said?”
[me] “Yeah.”
[her] “There’s been an awful lot going on in a year, and some of it you’ve kicked away each time. And then you’ve recoiled and said please let’s go back, let’s try again, and man do you get angry in the meantime, and throw lightning bolts around, about how we don’t know what we’re doing, we don’t do what we do well…”“From my vantage point as a therapist, you have a lot of complexities; I can tell you, you can understand everything that comes out of my mouth but you can’t engage with it. You won’t talk about it. You dismiss it, you make jokes about it, you tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about, you tell me you don’t feel like it, you tell me…I’ve heard it all from you.”
"See, I don’t think you want to do this work.”"Because you don’t say anything you sit there with all these feelings and then when you leave, you get pissed about them and you redirect them at everyone else but yourself….”
So, yeah, I emailed her last night and told her to cancel. She emailed me this morning and said she didn't it want it that way (yeah, right)and for me to reschedule when I'm ready. I think she thinks this is like the other thousand times I've cancelled and gone back, but not this time. I can't keep going there feeling like I cause her this much frustration and pain. I dont feel understood AT ALL. And she seems to take everything I say and twist it to mean something more hurtful and negative than I meant in the first place. It's like I can see my ugly self in her eyes, and I can't take it anymore. I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to get frustrated, and I know I'm responsible for all of this, but, she acts like I do it on purpose and I SWEAR TO GOD I dont. Right now I honestly think the only reason she kept trying to get me back those times I quit is so she wouldnt have to tell her director why I quit, and that she might have some role in it. I also think I shake her world up a little....she's been comfy, pretty confident in her profession, and maybe I cause her to question herself and I dont think she likes it.
I'm so hurt, and upset and frustrated.
I hate me sooo much. :-( Why cant I do anything right?
Sorry...I thought writing about it might help, or at least find out what others think and whether I'm overreacting or misjudging the situation. But all it did was upset me more.
Thanks for reading.
Posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 15:38:07
In reply to Quit therapy, for good,Cant take it anymore (long), posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 19:04:53
IMO, it sounds like either your perception of her behavior might be off--but it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on her--or she is struggling with how to treat you and is blaming you because her techniques aren't working.
I would be very upset if my T were negative toward me; I'd probably crumble. Mine has a way of getting her point across w/o putting me down.
Maybe you've just been testing her to see if you can trust her, but she doesn't seem to be able to handle it, or... she is too vocal w/the trouble she is having w/you. She can't tell you how to be a better patient, you are just who you are and you deserve to work w/someone who is willing to work your way and not hers. Too harsh? Sorry if so.
This really sounds like her issue.
best,
antigua
Posted by shrinking violet on October 15, 2004, at 16:50:44
In reply to Re: Quit therapy, for good,Cant take it anymore (long) » shrinking violet, posted by antigua on October 15, 2004, at 15:38:07
Thank you.
I *am* extremely sensitive, and I know I take things very hard, but it just seems like my T came across as more frustrated, angry, and harsh than she's been before. She's said similar things in the past, and I've felt badly about them, but I've also told her how much they hurt me and yet she still says them, and doesn't seem to try to say them in a different way. I don't want to begin to think that I cause her to become so hostile and angry. I just dont understand why she keeps asking me to come back...
I wish I knew what to do. Every time I go back, I think that I could somehow make it better; I have visions of what I'll say, how the session might go. But I get there and I play with my sleeves and look around the room at anything but her, and barely say anything while she does all the talking. I think maybe that's a problem, too; I'm so used to her taking charge and saying stuff that I'm not sure how to start the session with anything I want to say b/c she seems to want to talk even though she says she does it too much. She did say she's amazed at how she's fallen into that habit with me (that she just starts talking and goes on and on while I feel I cant get a word in edgewise, even if I wanted to).
Ick, this is such a messy situation. I dont know what to do, I'm at such a loss right now. I really don't want to end things this way with her, but, maybe it's for the best? I really don't know.
Thanks for your response. And no, it wasnt harsh at all. :)
-SV
Posted by mair on October 15, 2004, at 16:56:35
In reply to Quit therapy, for good,Cant take it anymore (long), posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 19:04:53
My Ex-T was a pdoc, who had been in the business long enough to have taught tons of other Ts. He once told me that 2 very important attributes of a good T were that he or she be patient and that he or she be comfortable with ambiguity.
I've been seeing my own T for almost 5 years I think (I've really lost count). Unless we're dealing with some pretty surface issues, I generally have an awful time talking to her - I get impatient with myself and frustrated to the point of anger, but she never seems to get impatient at all, or certainly never shows it. She just tells me that opening up to people is my big issue, and that it's something we need to be working on all the time; that it is the essence of our work together.
It sounds to me, at least from what you've written, that your therapist is neither patient, nor comfortable with the ambiguity of your relationship with her.
Mair
Posted by Poet on October 15, 2004, at 18:35:14
In reply to Quit therapy, for good,Cant take it anymore (long), posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 19:04:53
(((((((((((Shrinking Violet)))))))))))
I so understand your pain. I wish you didn't feel it. I wish there was a way to get those of us who have trouble opening up to be able to do so without giving up.
You are not horrible. You just can't talk about difficult things. It sounds like in your last session that it was your therapist who was throwing those lightning bolts directly at you.
You, no doubt, frustrate her. I know I frustated the hell out of my therapist. Mine doesn't arm wrestle for information, she fishes, complete with gesture of rod and reel.
I am sorry that we frustrate them, but they should know that everyone does not act the same. The shy kid in school, is the shy adult in therapy. The kid who didn't learn how to express emotions other than anger, is the same in therapy.
You talk as much as you can and you trust as much as you can. Nobody can force you to tear down those walls of protection until you are ready. I would have been upset if my therapist had confronted me like yours did. You have a right to be upset and, to me, it's fully understandable why you feel that you have quit for good.
I called my T, today, and told her that I am thinking of coming back. You and others really helped me get through a really bad time last week. I hope that I can help you, even if it's only to read with a sympathetic eye.
Try to take care of yourself. I'll try to check in more often this weekend. You can email me, too.
Poet
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 15, 2004, at 18:56:42
In reply to Re: » antigua, posted by shrinking violet on October 15, 2004, at 16:50:44
When you said that she "talked all the time, even though she didn't mean to', it sent up a red flag in my mind. What the Ts are supposed to do is to receive and *hold* our most painful feelings at least long enough to enable us to become more comfortable ourselves in feeling them. Some of what we communicate are just feelings- there aren't too many words associated with them. If the Ts start talking too much, we feel instinctively that they are no longer *with* us; we feel, accurately, that our feelings have aroused uncomfortable feelings in them, and that they are trying to make THEMSELVES more comfortable by doing a lot of talking.
You came to therapy to try to deal better with these painful feelings- to have them stop hurting you so much. It sounds as though, person to person, she actually likes you a lot, but that she really is having trouble handling your feelings once you project them into her (it just happens in therapy- we all do it- are supposed to do it). So you are left feeling let down, and just as alone with your most painful feelings.
Do you have the option to look for another therapist? There's nothing terrible about you or your feelings- they just ARE there, and for good reasons. You're entitled to a therapist who can really help with them.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 15, 2004, at 20:51:29
In reply to Re: Quit therapy, for good,Cant take it anymore (long) » shrinking violet, posted by mair on October 15, 2004, at 16:56:35
>>My Ex-T was a pdoc, who had been in the business long enough to have taught tons of other Ts. He once told me that 2 very important attributes of a good T were that he or she be patient and that he or she be comfortable with ambiguity.
Interesting. I'd hate to say that my T isn't patient, because it's been over a year now and she's hung in there longer than I thought she would. She also handles my emails and annoyances pretty well. I think, at times, maybe she does become impatient (Wed was probably one of them), but I can't fault her for that; she is human after all, and therapists probably expect on some level that their clients will at least talk to them, so, she probably has a right to get annoyed once in a while. I don't think she's at all comfortable with ambiguity: she tries to get me to be very precise when trying to tell her something, but it's SO hard to find the words generally to convey what I mean (especially when trying to verbalize thoughts or feelings; i'm MUCH more comfortable with the written word and I am not at all verbally articulate), so I get doubly frustrated, feeling like I can't "get it out" in the right way.
>> I've been seeing my own T for almost 5 years I think (I've really lost count). Unless we're dealing with some pretty surface issues, I generally have an awful time talking to her - I get impatient with myself and frustrated to the point of anger, but she never seems to get impatient at all, or certainly never shows it. She just tells me that opening up to people is my big issue, and that it's something we need to be working on all the time; that it is the essence of our work together.
Hm, could your T talk to my T? lol At times, my T can be very understanding and empathetic. I think she does know that this is hard for me, and she seems to understand how much pain I'm in, but even as she says that she reacts when I can't show her, or engage with her like she expects. But again, is she wrong? I mean, it's understandable that a T would expect a client to be able to talk to her. Like you, I can talk a bit about general stuff, but she usually tries to go deeper and I shut down. I just wish I knew how to fix this, because I want more than anything to go in there and just TALK without being embarrassed or guarded or self-conscious. *sigh*
>> It sounds to me, at least from what you've written, that your therapist is neither patient, nor comfortable with the ambiguity of your relationship with her.
Maybe you're right, but she would never admit that, even if she did feel that way. If anything she'd get defensive if I tried to ask her if that were true. So, if she is uncomfortable, then quitting was probably the right thing, right?
Thanks for your response. :)
Posted by shrinking violet on October 15, 2004, at 20:53:25
In reply to Re: Quit therapy, for good,Cant take it anymore (l » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on October 15, 2004, at 18:35:14
Thank you, Poet. I did send you a Babblemail....but I wanted to thank you again for your reponse. It sounds like you really do understand. Thank you for that.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 15, 2004, at 21:01:05
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Pfinstegg on October 15, 2004, at 18:56:42
>> When you said that she "talked all the time, even though she didn't mean to', it sent up a red flag in my mind. What the Ts are supposed to do is to receive and *hold* our most painful feelings at least long enough to enable us to become more comfortable ourselves in feeling them. Some of what we communicate are just feelings- there aren't too many words associated with them. If the Ts start talking too much, we feel instinctively that they are no longer *with* us; we feel, accurately, that our feelings have aroused uncomfortable feelings in them, and that they are trying to make THEMSELVES more comfortable by doing a lot of talking.
I never really thought of it that way. I do think she talks because she is very uncomfortable with silences...I'm not sure why. She's gotten a bit better, but only marginally; now she'll wait maybe a minute or two before she says something, whereas before she would talk right away. Still, I actually think if she sat there and didn't talk, it would give me time to arrange what to say and I might actually start to fill some of these gaps (just a theory, of course!).
> You came to therapy to try to deal better with these painful feelings- to have them stop hurting you so much. It sounds as though, person to person, she actually likes you a lot, but that she really is having trouble handling your feelings once you project them into her (it just happens in therapy- we all do it- are supposed to do it). So you are left feeling let down, and just as alone with your most painful feelings.Yes, I do leave feeling "let-down," somewhat misunderstood, and very alone. At first, I thought the painful stuff I was starting to feel was because of the therapy (even though we don't seem to be able to "do" much actual therapy), but now maybe I was actually reacting to feeling let-down and misunderstood by her. I hate that this is happening though, because her personality is SO great for me, but, I know I can't keep causing both of us pain like this.
>> Do you have the option to look for another therapist? There's nothing terrible about you or your feelings- they just ARE there, and for good reasons. You're entitled to a therapist who can really help with them.
Maybe technically; she's a Uni T so I see her for free and wouldn't be able to afford an outside T right now. I could maybe see another T at school, but that might be too weird for both of us. Right now, though, I've had enough of therapy to last me a few lifetimes. It left more than a sour taste in my mouth, and I don't want to start over with someone else (especially since a similar situation would probably arise). I wish I didn't like her so much, and the way she is as a person and as a T, because it might make it easier. But, I do miss her as a person, and as a T she has many of the qualities I'd want in one and are hard to find (openly caring, self-discloses, warm, etc).
Thanks for your response. :)
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 15, 2004, at 22:21:13
In reply to Re: your T » Pfinstegg, posted by shrinking violet on October 15, 2004, at 21:01:05
You do have a lot of good things with her- liking her, and feeling that she likes you, her warmth, openness, occasional self-disclosure. Could you keep going a bit longer, and try to bring up exactly what is hurting you in the relationship? From what you have said, much of the pain you are feeling doesn't have words readily attached to it (at least not yet). You would probably feel heard and understood if she listened, and used her own feelings to empathize with you. It doesn't need to be verbal right now- it just needs to be your feelings and her feelings meeting and being in tune. This is probably the hardest and most stressful thing Ts have to do.-it's much easier for them to talk! Sometimes just silence, or just a few words, communicates so much, and helps us begin to regulate our own pain better than any large amount of words could. Could you ask for exactly this, and see what follows? It seems such a shame to drop out of therapy when you are clearly searching to have a good experience with it. And it's not good to leave feeling so let down and alone- and feeling you are at fault somehow. You simply aren't at fault in any way.. In another thread, we have been talking about the importance of the client's and therapist's right hemispheres being in tune in order for people to really start feeling better. You could download a paper by Allen Schore on this topic, and maybe talk about it with her. His ideas are really wonderful.
Please let us know what happens - and I do wish you a good experience with her.
Posted by antigua on October 17, 2004, at 10:17:55
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Pfinstegg on October 15, 2004, at 22:21:13
Give her one more chance. Print out one of these emails and just give it to her. What do you have to lose? If you like her so much personally, it's worth one more try. Also, please, please don't assume that if you have trouble opening up to this T that you will run into the same situation w/another. It doesn't necessarily work that way.
I know what you mean about wishing she would/could keep quiet for a few minutes while you pulled yourself together to find the words. I ask my T to be quiet if I feel the need to do that. (She doesn't talk too much but sometimes she gets excited and keeps going when I find the need to focus more intently on something.)
You have nothing to lose. Let her know how you feel. Put it in writing if that's easier.
good luck,
antigua
Posted by shrinking violet on October 17, 2004, at 10:54:43
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Pfinstegg on October 15, 2004, at 22:21:13
>> You do have a lot of good things with her- liking her, and feeling that she likes you, her warmth, openness, occasional self-disclosure. Could you keep going a bit longer, and try to bring up exactly what is hurting you in the relationship?
I don't know, I'm actually afraid to. I don't feel like she's hearing me at all anymore, and everything I do manage to write or say to her gets misinterpreted in a negative way, and then she gets defensive, and we go round and round. Last week I emailed her to terminate. When she wrote back she told me to "try and make an appointment" when I can. Did she not hear what I said? She probably thinks this is like the other times I've reacted to a session by quitting and then asking to go back, but this is different. She doesn't realize how much she hurt me, or probably wouldn't care or acknowledge it anyway. I feel like I can't tell her how I feel either, because I fear she'll take it as if I'm attacking her, and she won't agree with my point of view so she'll get defensive, etc. It's like we're in a hamster wheel, going round and round.
>>From what you have said, much of the pain you are feeling doesn't have words readily attached to it (at least not yet). You would probably feel heard and understood if she listened, and used her own feelings to empathize with you. It doesn't need to be verbal right now- it just needs to be your feelings and her feelings meeting and being in tune. This is probably the hardest and most stressful thing Ts have to do.-it's much easier for them to talk! Sometimes just silence, or just a few words, communicates so much, and helps us begin to regulate our own pain better than any large amount of words could. Could you ask for exactly this, and see what follows?Good idea, but I'm not sure she could do it even if she wanted to. She seems really uncomfortable with silences for some reason. I don't think she could just sit there and be.
>>It seems such a shame to drop out of therapy when you are clearly searching to have a good experience with it. And it's not good to leave feeling so let down and alone- and feeling you are at fault somehow. You simply aren't at fault in any way.. In another thread, we have been talking about the importance of the client's and therapist's right hemispheres being in tune in order for people to really start feeling better. You could download a paper by Allen Schore on this topic, and maybe talk about it with her. His ideas are really wonderful.
Thanks for the heads-up. I actually found a link to an article on this topic. But, I'm afraid to send it to her. Again, she'd probably see it as my way of telling her she doesn't know what she's doing, and then she'll get defensive, etc (see a pattern here?). :-(
> Please let us know what happens - and I do wish you a good experience with her.
Thank you. So do I. But I fear this is the end.Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 17, 2004, at 10:58:13
In reply to Re: your T shrinking violet, posted by antigua on October 17, 2004, at 10:17:55
>> Give her one more chance. Print out one of these emails and just give it to her. What do you have to lose? If you like her so much personally, it's worth one more try. Also, please, please don't assume that if you have trouble opening up to this T that you will run into the same situation w/another. It doesn't necessarily work that way.
I know, I could try again, but I feel like I've given this so many chances as it is, and it only seems to get worse.
>> I know what you mean about wishing she would/could keep quiet for a few minutes while you pulled yourself together to find the words. I ask my T to be quiet if I feel the need to do that. (She doesn't talk too much but sometimes she gets excited and keeps going when I find the need to focus more intently on something.)Hm, if I asked her to be quiet she'd probably get insulted. I did try to subtly hint to her once that her talking makes it harder for me, especially when she goes off on one of her "mini-speeches" as I affectionately called them. Thankfully, she laughed about it and didn't get insulted, but she didn't stop doing it either.
>> You have nothing to lose. Let her know how you feel. Put it in writing if that's easier.
Hm, I think more writing is the last thing she needs from me. :-/ As I said in my previous response, I don't think she's really hearing me anymore, and she might take it all the wrong way. Besides, I just can't chance going back there and getting hurt or feeling attacked again. I just can't, not from her.
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 17, 2004, at 11:14:48
In reply to Re: your T » Pfinstegg, posted by shrinking violet on October 17, 2004, at 10:54:43
It does sound as though you have tried extremely hard on this issue, and have thought it through very carefuly. She may not be able to interact with you in a way that's genuinely helpful to you, despite the mutual warmth and liking, etc. From the point of view of an outside observer, it seems like a real limitation in HER skills, but I know that anyone interacting in a situation like this is going to blame themselves- it's so hard not to, but I hope you can take a step back and truly realize that it's not your fault.
It can be so hard to find a therapist who feels just *right*, but they are definitely out there. I interviewed four in the process of searching for the terrific one I have now. I know you're a student, so your options are probably much more limited, but could you interview the other therapists at your health service- kind of as if you were an employer looking for the best job applicant- and see if you find someone who's a better fit for you? Any awkwardness you feel would only be temporary, wouldn't it?
Posted by daisym on October 17, 2004, at 20:31:37
In reply to Re: your T » antigua, posted by shrinking violet on October 17, 2004, at 10:58:13
I've been reading and following this thread and I think you have a pretty good idea about what you should do. The tables have turned and you are taking care of her. She should never have allowed this to happen. And if she is too invested in her own ability to help you, instead of being invested in you getting better, it is time to find someone new to work with.
It is never easy, especially when you really like someone and can appreciate all their good qualities. But your energy should not be spent taking care of her. Good luck finding someone new.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 22, 2004, at 11:36:42
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Pfinstegg on October 17, 2004, at 11:14:48
>> From the point of view of an outside observer, it seems like a real limitation in HER skills, but I know that anyone interacting in a situation like this is going to blame themselves- it's so hard not to, but I hope you can take a step back and truly realize that it's not your fault.
Thank you. I do think she was at "fault" in some ways too, but, I know I bear the brunt of blame for how things turned out. If I could have just *talked* to her, things would have been very different.
>> I know you're a student, so your options are probably much more limited, but could you interview the other therapists at your health service- kind of as if you were an employer looking for the best job applicant- and see if you find someone who's a better fit for you? Any awkwardness you feel would only be temporary, wouldn't it?hm, I doubt it. I'd be waiting in the same waiting area, and on the same floor, in the same grouping of offices. I'd be bound to run into her at some point. Also, since I have an eating disorder, once per month the Ts, docs and nurtitionist get together and meet about their ED clients, so I'd be talked about in front of her (I wouldnt be there, but still...). It would feel too weird and I'm nervous before sessions as it is; I dont need to worry about possibly seeing her there, too.
I officially quit with her last night. I sent her an email telling her why I cant go back. I, of course, took all of the blame, and tried to make her feel that she's helped me more than I think she has (um, not really at all). I figure I may as well end on somewhat of a good note. I guess now she knows I''m not going back, like the other times.
I miss her already.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Posted by Annierose on October 22, 2004, at 13:10:37
In reply to Re: your T » Pfinstegg, posted by shrinking violet on October 22, 2004, at 11:36:42
Hi Shrinking Violet,
I do wish that you could continue on with another T, but I understand your situation. I too would be uncomfortable. It's understandable.
After I quit therapy, I did go back, 15 years later, to the same T. Kind of weird, hun? But, I am getting so much more out it this time. My point, maybe in a year or two, you can find a new T to finish the work you already began. Good Luck. Let us know if she responds to your e-mail.
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 22, 2004, at 21:27:10
In reply to Re: your T » Pfinstegg, posted by shrinking violet on October 22, 2004, at 11:36:42
I do see how difficult it would be to change therapists in that very close setting! I'm so sorry you felt that you had to leave your T (but know you had good reasons), and I guess I have a little hope, still, that after a while you might feel like going back and trying to work through some of those difficult issues with her. It's so helpful, for us all, to be able to have a new and good experience with our Ts, and it sounds as if you were having a mixture of good and not-so good experiences with her. Maybe you could leave the longer-term options open?
Posted by shrinking violet on October 23, 2004, at 12:07:23
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Annierose on October 22, 2004, at 13:10:37
>> After I quit therapy, I did go back, 15 years later, to the same T. Kind of weird, hun? But, I am getting so much more out it this time. My point, maybe in a year or two, you can find a new T to finish the work you already began. Good Luck. Let us know if she responds to your e-mail.
Wow, that's great that you were able to go back and have a better experience. If I do attempt therapy again --not planning to ever, but, who knows what'll happen down the road--it'll be a very long time from now.
As for her responding, no she hasn't. I think she feels ethically that she can't respond to me again since I made it clear I want to end it. I'll probably receive a typed letter in the mail from her, with a list of referals, and she may or may not try to keep it open for me to go back to her (she did once before when I quit with her, and I did go back, but this time feels different). I just wish I knew what she felt when she received my email: is she sad? Does she see that she was at fault in some ways? Is she relieved?
Thank you for your thoughts, they are appreciated.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 23, 2004, at 12:11:06
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Pfinstegg on October 22, 2004, at 21:27:10
>> I'm so sorry you felt that you had to leave your T (but know you had good reasons), and I guess I have a little hope, still, that after a while you might feel like going back and trying to work through some of those difficult issues with her. It's so helpful, for us all, to be able to have a new and good experience with our Ts, and it sounds as if you were having a mixture of good and not-so good experiences with her. Maybe you could leave the longer-term options open?
Thank you for validating my reasoning. I do wonder from time to time if I'm being overly sensitive (probably), or if I'm seeing this situation in the wrong way since I've never had T before and don't really have anything (or anyone) else to compare it to. My intuition tells me a lot of it is her issue, but, either way it still feels really bad.
I wouldn't be able to continue with her past next May, when I graduate. I'm a grad student and she's a Uni counselor and doesn't have a private practice, so once I'm no longer a student I wouldn't be able to see her therapeutically anymore anyway. Besides, we've been banging our heads for over a year now....I doubt another few months would make much of a difference. I just hate that it had to end this way.
Thank you for responding.
SV
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 12:19:48
In reply to Re: your T » Pfinstegg, posted by shrinking violet on October 23, 2004, at 12:11:06
Since it won't be too long before you graduate, there hardly seems to be enough time to accomplish much with this therapist. My personal conviction is that when clients leave their Ts, there is always a good reason- something is not right, and not growth-producing, in the relationship. I don't think anyone ever leaves because they are unwilling to talk about painful topics. Perhaps, once you are working, and have more options, you'll want to find a great therapist who is really right for you.
Posted by daisym on October 24, 2004, at 0:01:43
In reply to Re: your T » shrinking violet, posted by Pfinstegg on October 23, 2004, at 12:19:48
Just a reminder that just because you quit therapy doesn't mean you have to quit babble! We are still here for you and we still need you too! Don't disappear...
I'm sorry you are sad and missing your therapist. It sounds like you did the right thing for yourself though.
Daisy
Posted by shrinking violet on October 25, 2004, at 16:50:54
In reply to Re: your T » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on October 24, 2004, at 0:01:43
>> Just a reminder that just because you quit therapy doesn't mean you have to quit babble! We are still here for you and we still need you too! Don't disappear...
Thank you. :) Actually, I hadn't even thought of the possibility that I may no longer be "qualified" to post here....but I guess that *is* true to some extent. I won't post for right now, and I'll probably keep my responses limited also since most won't apply to me since I'm not actively in therapy, and some of the others may just be too hard to reply to due to still feeling rather "raw" about leaving my T. :( I'll be reading, though, and I wish everyone well.
>> I'm sorry you are sad and missing your therapist. It sounds like you did the right thing for yourself though.Thank you. I wish I knew for sure. It's still rather sore and hurtful right now.
Thanks Daisy.
-SV
Posted by Annierose on October 25, 2004, at 21:36:38
In reply to Re: your T » daisym, posted by shrinking violet on October 25, 2004, at 16:50:54
SV - of course you are *qualified* to post here AND as often as you wish - you offer support and insight. we like hearing what you have to say!
This is the end of the thread.
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