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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Clayton on December 1, 2003, at 5:45:13
My wife of twenty years left me two weeks ago. She was not just the meaning of my life, she is my life itself.
She is stubborn and will never return.
I am in pain far beyond my endurance. Beyond human endurance. Beyond all endurance. I NEVER knew there could be such pain. I can't escape it for a second. Suicide would be entirely rational as for a terminal cancer patient with only sufferring and no prospects...except that I am not a suicidal personality. I live milisecond to milisecond without relief. I do not eat or sleep.
I rescued her from an abusive marraige with two infant sons when she was in her twenties. She had nothing and nowhere to go. I raised the boys as my own. They call me dad. I love them with all my heart. I provided, loveed , nurtured, suported. Gave all my time. All my support. All my financial resources. I gave everything I had.
My deepest secret fear was that when the boys were old enough to be independamnt she would leave. But she assurred me of her integrity and love and said we would make it to the end. Wrong.
It's more complicated. I can barely write this much. My soul is dying and I am paralyzed.
I just got lad off from my job at age 53 (in THIS economy). No savings. All went to repair the congenital problems of one of the boys.
I need agility and spirit to fight this uphill employement battle. I am paralyzed and in agony.
I am paralyzed with grief. This woman IS my life. The kids are grown and now was to be our time for celebration, love and joy.
Does anyone have any thing to offer except plattitudes? Help me, please.
Posted by Susan J on December 1, 2003, at 10:06:35
In reply to Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE!, posted by Clayton on December 1, 2003, at 5:45:13
Hi, Clayton,
I'll get the platitudes out of the way, first. :-) I'm really sorry all this got dumped on you at once and I know it's extremely painful. Almost the same thing happened to my brother just a couple of months ago. The pain for all involved is excruciating.
> My wife of twenty years left me two weeks ago. She was not just the meaning of my life, she is my life itself.
<<Stop thinking of it like that. I know you hurt and that you love her. But you need to refocus your energy and love *yourself.* Nurture *yourself* because, if you don't, why should anyone else?It's time to triage. You've just had huge crises dumped on you. Taking action will give you something to do and will make you feel better about yourself, and more in control of your situation. I know you feel paralyzed, but try one step at a time. So many retail places are hiring seasonal help right now. Even if you have no intentions of working there, go pick up some applications, fill them out, and turn them in. The more you can be productive, the more motivated you'll get to keep doing things you need to do.
*Apply for unemployment,
*Go job hunting, even if it's a job at McDonalds or a book store or 7 Eleven. Just get something and keep on looking for jobs in your field....
*Get counseling. It helps long-term, but also short-term, giving you better coping skills.
*Lean on good friends and family. That's what they are there for.
*Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your wife, but realize that she *isn't* your world, *you* create your own reality and you're very focused on her, which is totally normal. So *she* is your reality right now, but that's not healthy. But if you start concentrating on *you* you will heal faster. The more you focus on you and healing *you*, getting better coping skills and healthy interpersonal relationship skills, the faster you will feel happy again. You deserve to be happy, and perhaps she just wasn't the right partner.
> I rescued her from an abusive marraige with two infant sons when she was in her twenties. She had nothing and nowhere to go. I raised the boys as my own. They call me dad. I love them with all my heart. I provided, loveed , nurtured, suported. Gave all my time. All my support. All my financial resources. I gave everything I had.
<<I know you probably feel used by her, I know my brother felt used by his wife. But focus on the fact that your love was true, that you are capable of love, that you nutured those kids. You are kind and caring and reliable. Those are wonderful, wonderful traits! Keep loving those boys... :-)Hang in there. It *does* get better...
Susan
Posted by shar on December 1, 2003, at 18:49:43
In reply to Re: Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE! » Clayton, posted by Susan J on December 1, 2003, at 10:06:35
Ditto what Susan said!
I noticed you mentioned cancer, and if that is a reality for you, I would encourage you to investigate hospice care (because I am a hospice volunteer).
If that was more of a metaphor, it is much more ditto what Susan said.
My only suggestion would be that if you have depression that lasts for a month or so, or anxiety that keeps you from functioning, please see a pdoc for your own benefit.
Best,
Shar
Posted by Elle2021 on December 2, 2003, at 5:29:41
In reply to Re: Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE!, posted by shar on December 1, 2003, at 18:49:43
You don't have to answer this, but the answer could help the rest of us to be able to help you.
Why did she leave?
I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened.
Elle
Posted by Clayton on December 2, 2003, at 7:30:13
In reply to Re: Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE! » Clayton, posted by Susan J on December 1, 2003, at 10:06:35
Susan,
All I can say right now is thank you. Thank you for your kindness. It didn't help much when I read it for the first time last night but it made a lot more sense when I reread it today.
Thank you for the solid practical advice.
I am grateful!
Posted by Clayton on December 2, 2003, at 7:50:38
In reply to Personal question for you Clayton, posted by Elle2021 on December 2, 2003, at 5:29:41
Good question. The answer is complex and I can not say that I understand it fully. As I'm not into writing multiple paragraphs right now, I will return to this as soon as I can.
But Note: She has a terrribe temper and left in a rage. ONE DAY before this, she was telling me how happy she was with her life and how delighted she was with me. We w're setting a wedding date.
We were never marrried in twenty-five years because her bio-son Ricardo, who is my son-in-fact and calls me "dad", was born with multiple congenital problems. The dozen surgeries required to correct these were finannced by my income, all my savings and a charitable organization that would not have helped if they knew I existed. (She set that one up without my knowledge and dropped it on me as news). Therefore, we could not get married. And I could not legally adopt the children. But those were technicalities. I raised them with all the love and nurturing and time and encouragement I had.
I am still wearing my engagement ring. I bought them six months ago. She had called her parents in El Salvadore and told them we were getting married.
Twenty-four hours after her expressed delight and setting of a wedding date she was gone in a rage.
Posted by JimD on December 3, 2003, at 14:21:17
In reply to Re: Personal question for you Clayton, posted by Clayton on December 2, 2003, at 7:50:38
Clayton,
I'm sorry for you. My heart sank when I read your story.
Regarding the recent decision to get married: I can't help but wonder if she simply 'got cold feet.' For reasons that are far beyond my understanding, people tend to get freaked out by the idea of commitment. Perhaps she simply wasn't able to cope with the idea of finally 'sealing the deal' on the relationship that you had built.
Susan's advice is golden. Get out there and do things. As tough as it may seem to simply pull yourself out of bed, getting out of your house and taking command of your life will help you feel better about yourself.
Best wishes through your healing,
Jim
Posted by burnedout on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:30
In reply to Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE!, posted by Clayton on December 1, 2003, at 5:45:13
I think Susan is correct too. But I know it's so hard.
One thing you might try in addition is to remember that no matter how much you love someone, you do not control them.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to control another person--and would you really want to?
The decision to leave wasn't yours, it was hers.
Don't let yourself think that you caused the reaction. For good or bad, we don't really know, she did what she wanted to do.
No matter how hard we love someone, that won't bring them back or make them love us. I know that's a tough realization, but it is true.If you can begin to accept that idea, I think it will help.
There will be many tears and not knowing what to do. People are free to make their own judgements, however stupid they might be.
As a personal experience:
I am a man, married, long time, seven children (one was killed).
I had a dear female friend who I knew before I was married.
She too had seven children.
Her husband was emotionally very abusive to her.
She & I were very good friends, we liked the same things, we appreciated learning new things, we talked a lot, she was happy with our friendship and so was I. Even arguments were settled in a way that I had never experienced with anyone, including my wife.Knowing the situation she was in, I would help her as much as possible--leave anonymously some spring flowers on her porche, or get her a Christmas tree (anon again) because her husband wouldn't. (she later divorced him, I am glad that she helped herself that way. It took a lot of courage--especially, with a house, no job and seven children.)
Our realitonship was totally platonic, but about as sweet as you could ever hope for. It was one of unconditional love--going both ways.
Then one day she told me that we could no longer be friends--(after being friends for 30 years).
I was stunned.
Her reason was, because we make each other too happy.
No matter what I said, what I wanted, she had made a decision. I couldn't change her.
If she saw me walking, she'd turn and go the other way. If I tried to say "hi," she'd turn her back and either walk away or make certain she was not in a position where we could communicate.I did not understand. I could understand if we had had a fight or something like that, but to break a loving/caring relationship because it's too nice, too good, too happy? --later she divorced her very abusive husband.
After two years of no contact, I sent her an email and asked if she'd like to be friends again, but she said "no," and to please not make it so that we are. It would be to hard on her. --all I can do is, since I care about her, back away and let her be.
Like yours, my heart was broken too.
That year, I got injured at work and had to have surgery. It was not successful. I had to retire on total disability. IMy oldest daughter was killed. I lost my friend. It was a seemingly year of nothing but tears.
My heart still aches from the loss of my daughter, that relationship and from the loss of my beautiful friend.
But what happened, I had no control over.
Sadly, you have no control over loosing your love. The only person you have control over is yourself and what you will think.
Let yourself grieve. But don't stay there. Even though it may seem like you can't handle it, you can.
There are other people out there who will love you just as much as she, if not more.
To deal with the lonliness and the sadness, get professional help--that's what those people are there for.It's too bad the "Golden Rule" doesn't work in reverse.
In leaving, she may have done a very stupid thing. But that's what we humans do. You are not responsible for her actions.
Love her for the good she brought to you. Forgive her for her mistakes.
Time does not heal all wounds, but it does move us further away from what you are feeling right now. And that is hopeful.
I wish relationships could be as we think they should or rather, want them to be.
But take courage. There will come a time when you will realize that she did what she thought was best. Even though wrong, stupid, exactly the opposite of what she may needed to have done, she made a choice that there is just nothing you can do about.
But you can and will feel better.
I don't know if you are religious, but if you are, remember too, there is a God in heaven & He knows what's happening. He is still there and he loves you.This probably won't help at all--you will get through this--there is also grief that is worse than loosing a loved spouse, or a sweet friend. It is the grief of loosing a child.
May God Bless you.
This is the end of the thread.
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