Posted by Clayton on December 1, 2003, at 5:45:13
My wife of twenty years left me two weeks ago. She was not just the meaning of my life, she is my life itself.
She is stubborn and will never return.
I am in pain far beyond my endurance. Beyond human endurance. Beyond all endurance. I NEVER knew there could be such pain. I can't escape it for a second. Suicide would be entirely rational as for a terminal cancer patient with only sufferring and no prospects...except that I am not a suicidal personality. I live milisecond to milisecond without relief. I do not eat or sleep.
I rescued her from an abusive marraige with two infant sons when she was in her twenties. She had nothing and nowhere to go. I raised the boys as my own. They call me dad. I love them with all my heart. I provided, loveed , nurtured, suported. Gave all my time. All my support. All my financial resources. I gave everything I had.
My deepest secret fear was that when the boys were old enough to be independamnt she would leave. But she assurred me of her integrity and love and said we would make it to the end. Wrong.
It's more complicated. I can barely write this much. My soul is dying and I am paralyzed.
I just got lad off from my job at age 53 (in THIS economy). No savings. All went to repair the congenital problems of one of the boys.
I need agility and spirit to fight this uphill employement battle. I am paralyzed and in agony.
I am paralyzed with grief. This woman IS my life. The kids are grown and now was to be our time for celebration, love and joy.
Does anyone have any thing to offer except plattitudes? Help me, please.
poster:Clayton
thread:285435
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/285435.html