Posted by burnedout on December 4, 2003, at 12:53:30
In reply to Grief Beyond Endurance - HELP PLEASE!, posted by Clayton on December 1, 2003, at 5:45:13
I think Susan is correct too. But I know it's so hard.
One thing you might try in addition is to remember that no matter how much you love someone, you do not control them.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to control another person--and would you really want to?
The decision to leave wasn't yours, it was hers.
Don't let yourself think that you caused the reaction. For good or bad, we don't really know, she did what she wanted to do.
No matter how hard we love someone, that won't bring them back or make them love us. I know that's a tough realization, but it is true.If you can begin to accept that idea, I think it will help.
There will be many tears and not knowing what to do. People are free to make their own judgements, however stupid they might be.
As a personal experience:
I am a man, married, long time, seven children (one was killed).
I had a dear female friend who I knew before I was married.
She too had seven children.
Her husband was emotionally very abusive to her.
She & I were very good friends, we liked the same things, we appreciated learning new things, we talked a lot, she was happy with our friendship and so was I. Even arguments were settled in a way that I had never experienced with anyone, including my wife.Knowing the situation she was in, I would help her as much as possible--leave anonymously some spring flowers on her porche, or get her a Christmas tree (anon again) because her husband wouldn't. (she later divorced him, I am glad that she helped herself that way. It took a lot of courage--especially, with a house, no job and seven children.)
Our realitonship was totally platonic, but about as sweet as you could ever hope for. It was one of unconditional love--going both ways.
Then one day she told me that we could no longer be friends--(after being friends for 30 years).
I was stunned.
Her reason was, because we make each other too happy.
No matter what I said, what I wanted, she had made a decision. I couldn't change her.
If she saw me walking, she'd turn and go the other way. If I tried to say "hi," she'd turn her back and either walk away or make certain she was not in a position where we could communicate.I did not understand. I could understand if we had had a fight or something like that, but to break a loving/caring relationship because it's too nice, too good, too happy? --later she divorced her very abusive husband.
After two years of no contact, I sent her an email and asked if she'd like to be friends again, but she said "no," and to please not make it so that we are. It would be to hard on her. --all I can do is, since I care about her, back away and let her be.
Like yours, my heart was broken too.
That year, I got injured at work and had to have surgery. It was not successful. I had to retire on total disability. IMy oldest daughter was killed. I lost my friend. It was a seemingly year of nothing but tears.
My heart still aches from the loss of my daughter, that relationship and from the loss of my beautiful friend.
But what happened, I had no control over.
Sadly, you have no control over loosing your love. The only person you have control over is yourself and what you will think.
Let yourself grieve. But don't stay there. Even though it may seem like you can't handle it, you can.
There are other people out there who will love you just as much as she, if not more.
To deal with the lonliness and the sadness, get professional help--that's what those people are there for.It's too bad the "Golden Rule" doesn't work in reverse.
In leaving, she may have done a very stupid thing. But that's what we humans do. You are not responsible for her actions.
Love her for the good she brought to you. Forgive her for her mistakes.
Time does not heal all wounds, but it does move us further away from what you are feeling right now. And that is hopeful.
I wish relationships could be as we think they should or rather, want them to be.
But take courage. There will come a time when you will realize that she did what she thought was best. Even though wrong, stupid, exactly the opposite of what she may needed to have done, she made a choice that there is just nothing you can do about.
But you can and will feel better.
I don't know if you are religious, but if you are, remember too, there is a God in heaven & He knows what's happening. He is still there and he loves you.This probably won't help at all--you will get through this--there is also grief that is worse than loosing a loved spouse, or a sweet friend. It is the grief of loosing a child.
May God Bless you.
poster:burnedout
thread:285435
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/286547.html