Posted by Dr. Bob on November 21, 2010, at 18:07:38
In reply to Re: Public Apology To All Past And Present, posted by Solstice on November 21, 2010, at 17:40:32
> Trouble is... that we can't 'make' someone 'see' their behavior and the harm it causes. Many people are stuck in long-standing behavior patterns that are (mis)driven by some need they have, and they really don't 'get' how much harm they might be causing.
>
> 'Forgiveness' is just as tricky as apology. An apology that is not accompanied by acknowledgment and then followed by a change in behavior isn't an apology in my eyes. ... What I really love is when someone repeatedly commits the same offense over and over, and glibbly apologizes over and over.. then when you get fed up and tell them it's 'over' they say "Well! You're not very forgiving!" good grief.
>
> Forgiveness does NOT let the other party off the hook. ... We have control over some consequences some times. If someone repeatedly hurts us by saying bad things about us to others, we can't make them feel bad or make them change, but we Can cut off the relationship. ... I've finally learned that 'bout the only thing I can do is first, go to that person and explain how their behavior affected me. If they respond in a way that tells me they want to make amends, I'll give them another chance. If they do it again, I might talk to them again and pull away.. but after the third time.. my options are limited ... We have no control over what others choose to do, but we do have control over how much we expose ourselves to them.I can identify. :-)
Bob
a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind -- The New York Times
backpedals well -- PartlyCloudy
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:970920
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20101029/msgs/970956.html