Posted by Solstice on November 21, 2010, at 17:40:32
In reply to Re: Public Apology To All Past And Present, posted by Willful on November 21, 2010, at 14:18:27
> Apologies are a great thing. But after a certain point, if you apologize and don't change the behavior and simply apologize each time, it begins to seem insincere.
>
> Not saying that this is the case here, just pointing out something I've experienced personally.
>
> WillfulInteresting point you make here, Willful. Apologies can indeed be seductive, even when the apology is not backed up by a change in behavior. The best, and truest, apologies (in my opinion) include a clear acknowledgment of the action one is apologizing for, and a clear acknowledgment of how that action affected the harmed party. It's even better if the apologizor describes the changes they intend to make so as not to do it again. I know I give my teenagers grief awhen they repeatly apologize for behavior that doesn't change, or at least move toward change. I tell them that the best way to apologize to me is to NOT do it again!
Trouble is... that we can't 'make' someone 'see' their behavior and the harm it causes. Many people are stuck in long-standing behavior patterns that are (mis)driven by some need they have, and they really don't 'get' how much harm they might be causing. Unfortunately, the person who is being harmed can be even further harmed if they allow themselves to need an apology/change-in-behavior that may never happen.
'Forgiveness' is just as tricky as apology. An apology that is not accompanied by acknowledgment and then followed by a change in behavior isn't an apology in my eyes. Without that, an apology is little more than a request for another free pass. The person doing the harm who says "Oh! I'm sorry!" and then does it again is *really* saying "Oh! I hope you'll overlook what I'm doing, because I don't plan on stopping it!" What I really love is when someone repeatedly commits the same offense over and over, and glibbly apologizes over and over.. then when you get fed up and tell them it's 'over' they say "Well! You're not very forgiving!" good grief.
With forgiveness, we get stuck because we think that to forgive is to let the other person off the hook, to say "what you did is no big deal." It's not. It took me a looooooong, long time to understand it. Forgiveness does NOT let the other party off the hook. To forgive someone who has harmed us is to let go of our desire that they change, that they 'see' the harm they've done, that they feel bad about it, and that justice be done - that they somehow face a consequence. We have control over some consequences some times. If someone repeatedly hurts us by saying bad things about us to others, we can't make them feel bad or make them change, but we Can cut off the relationship. I used to have a very hard time with that. I thought that if I just said the right thing, did the right thing, felt the right thing.. the other person would 'see' the light and make amends. I've finally learned that 'bout the only thing I can do is first, go to that person and explain how their behavior affected me. If they respond in a way that tells me they want to make amends, I'll give them another chance. If they do it again, I might talk to them again and pull away.. but after the third time.. my options are limited to: 1)accept that this is a persistent behavior, and if I want that person in my life, I'll have to learn to be okay despite it - and to expect it to continue; or 2) walk away from the relationship. I think the important thing is to not trust someone who has not proven trustworthy. I wouldn't trust a thief to look after my purse, and I also wouldn't trust loose lips with details of my life or my vulnerable moments. We have no control over what others choose to do, but we do have control over how much we expose ourselves to them.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:970920
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20101029/msgs/970949.html