Posted by fallsfall on March 15, 2004, at 8:02:20
In reply to dealing with it all... may trigger, perhaps, posted by inthegloaming on March 15, 2004, at 1:49:21
I would be perfectly happy if sex didn't exist. I don't know why everyone thinks it is so important. And this makes me feel broken. Someday, in the distant future, maybe I will find out what they all think is so wonderful. But right now I have other things to work on (eating, cleaning, showering, shopping...)
Your attitude towards sex is different from mine, though. I left my husband, so I can just pretend that sex doesn't exist! It sounds like your social world doesn't allow you to avoid it as easily as mine does. But, I believe that everybody should be able to make choices about whether to have sex or not (I believe this even when people are married, but some other people believe that if you are married that you have a "duty"). Can you change your environment at all so that you are freer to make your own decision? If you are married, that might involve talking to your spouse and explaining how you feel - acknowledging that maybe THEY don't have the controlling attitude, but that for now you are very uncomfortable. If you are dating, can you express at the beginning of the relationship that you have personal limits (and set them to kick in before you would start to feel uncomfortable), and that some time down the road (6 months?) you would be willing to talk about why you have those limits and consider if the relationship gives you enough safety to move them?
Are you in therapy? Can you talk to your therapist about your issues with sex? (I remember when I first had to start talking about sex - 6 months into therapy - I couldn't even say the word "sex". It would not come out of my mouth. But, over a long period of time, I have come to the point where it is still uncomfortable for me to talk about, but I believe that talking will help me, and that talking to my therapist is safe.)
It is possible that something did happen when you were little. It is also possible that this message about sex was taught to you by your parents, and that you never personally experienced the control and violence that you speak of.
I'm really impressed that you wrote your post! That took guts. I'm also sure that there are others who feel like you do (whereas I'm just completely apathetic about it).
Let us know how it goes.
poster:fallsfall
thread:324477
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/324535.html