Posted by Penny on February 5, 2004, at 9:25:16
In reply to Re: Learning to like yourself, posted by gardenergirl on February 4, 2004, at 23:36:57
I don't think my therapy leans really one way or the other - my T does whatever works at the time, whatever is suitable. She touches a little on recognizing cognitive distortions and thought changing, but only a little. We work some on childhood issues, some on day-to-day stuff, some on body image, and so on. I think eclectic would best describe her...
You said something in another post about being raised in an invalidating household with narcissistic parents - that pretty much sums up my childhood. My parents have been married for 28 years. They love each other very much, but my mom is codependent and my dad is highly narcissistic and they both smoked pot when I was growing up and, in general, I was the 'adult' in the household. Oddly enough, in the past year or so, my parents seem to have changed a great deal - they have become more caring, concerned and supportive. And it's weird, but I take everything with a grain of salt. It's nice to get support from them (finally!) but I still don't trust them much at all.
I never had a problem seeing myself as intelligent - school was always my safe haven - I was a 'teacher's pet', most of my teachers really liked me (a few didn't, of course). I was in chorus for years - so I knew I could sing, which was another of those good things about myself. So I guess it's not as though I didn't have things about myself I was proud of.
The problem is more of a physical one, I guess. I know that *most* people look pretty, well, average. And I suppose I fall into that category. And for the most part, like when I'm meeting people for, well, whatever reason - business, friendship, babysitting, whatever - I don't even think about it. I brush my hair, put on makeup, make sure my breath smells nice and go. Might spritz on a little bath & body works stuff (sweet pea, anyone?), might put on a little jewelry, though rarely. I'm not a fashion queen, but I can dress appropriately for various occasions. And, as I said in another post somewhere on the board, I know I'm not horribly offensive looking or anything - people react to me pretty much the way they react to anyone else. I guess anyway. I don't get stares, I don't get children who run screaming from the room, I don't get strange whispers, and so on.
However - when it's a matter of looking to meet someone, of the opposite sex, to date, all of a sudden, I feel horribly ugly, terribly incompetent, and the list goes on. I *know* it's not all about looks. And the guys that I have been interested in are usually not the best looking or whatever - I actually really like 'smart' guys over 'really cute' guys. But I can't possibly fathom how any man could ever be physically attracted to me. The thought repulses me! I've only been on a handful of dates, with three different guys, and the third guy was the only one I found attractive. But I kept asking myself, "Why is he out with me?" I can understand, I guess, why anyone might want to be friends with me. I don't suppose I'm such a terrible person - I am generally easy to get along with. But I can't understand why any man would want to date me. And, if he did, I do nothing but think, "he could be with someone better," or "I'm not ____ enough (pretty, fun, sexy, etc.)" or "He must be completely turned off by my appearance, so...there must be something else going on".
I know that, chances are, none of those things would be true. I know that, chances are, no one is secretly thinking, "What is he doing with *her*?" or, even if they are, it's a fleeting thought and then they go back to their own issues. I know those things. Yet, I feel, and it's ingrained in me pretty well, that it's not possible for any man who is 'normal' to want to be romantically involved with *me*, and any man who would want to be romantically involved with *me* must be desperate - and I don't want to be someone he is 'settling' for.
Sorry for going on and on...
I know this probably makes no sense...
P
poster:Penny
thread:309396
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040131/msgs/309691.html