Posted by Larry Hoover on October 22, 2003, at 16:54:40
In reply to Re: I really need help on this.. » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan J on October 22, 2003, at 12:39:11
> Hiya, Larry.
Hey Susan. I've been mulling this one over some more.....
> >>>>it's difficult for me to communicate it to the person who's making me angry.
> >
> > I believe that to be the core of your problem.
> <<Yeah, I agree. Just not sure how to deal with it effectively. It was *inappropriate* and *unladylike* for a girl to ever be angry in my house......tough to escape.It may still be inappropriate to express anger here, if my research is useful. What I found corroborates another thing I mentioned. It seems that the greatest results with people like this nuisance, arise from well-modulated voice (calm), and simple expressions of what is wrong. More in a minute....
> >>You may even want to spend some time understanding anger itself.
> <<My therapist gave me a book on anger, "The Dance of Anger" I think it was called. I didn't find it very helpful then, but that's been almost 2 years ago. Maybe I should reread it...Skim it, at least. Anger is a complex subject. I know I used it like a cloak, to cover other emotions. But I didn't even realize I did that. I also discovered that I had an "anger pit", a storage place for all ALL the unexpressed anger throughout my life. If I wasn't careful in expressing anger, I could deal out more than a fair measure. So anger had me trapped. I was afraid to express it, but not expressing it made it worse.
> >> It is my belief that anger is a secondary emotional response. For example, she reads your personal profile aloud in the office, you're embarassed that your personal life has been brought into your professional domain without your permission, and you become angry at her.
> <<I'll go for that. I wasn't *so* embarassed at her reading it (a little, not a lot) because I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing and not ashamed of what I wrote in that profile. I think I'm very angry at the fact she violated my personal boundaries *yet again* and I don't know how to stop it.Those are distinct issues. I hope you see it that way. Her transgression with respect to your dating profile was minor (I bet she was hoping it was a bigger deal), and your embarassment was small (I'm glad to hear), but the anger is an extra interpretation of the situation. They require separate acts to bring them under control. It's too late to deal with the precipitating situation, as you would best have dealt with that on the spot. It's not too late to deal with the second part.
> So it's a lot about my powerlessness to fix it/stop it. My behavior is *not* effective, and I'm not sure how to make it so.
You need to enlist help. I'm pretty convinced of that.
I think the situation may require two separate acts. One is to meet with your direct supervisor and discuss your productivity. Do so when your productivity is not at immediate issue, so nobody's defensive. Remind your boss of how good you are at your job, and then discuss factors about the workplace that are negatively affecting your productivity. Tell him you're concerned about your productivity.
The second one would involve human resources. You brought up the subject in another message, so I'm going to presume that there is a special department in your organization to deal with such matters. Nobody should touch your person. Nobody should touch your desk, and its contents. There are privacy issues, sanctity of the person issues, and you would benefit by getting it on record that these are issues in your own work environment.
Having done so, you also now have recourse, in the form of consequences, which may attach to your antagonist's behaviours. You don't use them as a threat. You inform her that she has choices. You tell her what is inappropriate about her behaviour, and if she persists, she will be reported.
> > The batty comes from your internalized anger at self.
> <<Yup. The powerlessness. Don't like that feeling, powerless over my own life. Not at all.You're not powerless. You haven't made an effective decision, yet. Your self-talk suggests there are no options.
> > You may want to rehearse some of the recurrent scenarios, and possible effective responses.
> <<I do that, quite often. Kinda worried it's obsessive. :-) And I come up with *great* responses to stuff she's done.....and I tell her that when she does it again, and she *always* does it again....but when something *new* comes up, I don't think that quickly on my feet...I'm glad you use that strategy, to plan your responses. Delivery is important, too. Not just the language. You don't want to show emotion. That's her reward, your emotion.
> >> For example, when she overhears and comments on private telephone conversations, you might ask your telephone partner to hold on, take the telephone away from your ear, look her straight in the eye, and in a level voice, state a fact. "This is none of your business." Repeat as often as needed.
> <<Yeah, you are right. To me that's rude though, although intellectually I know it's not. It's respecting my own boundaries and making her do the same....She's not playing by the rules that you are. That's not suggesting that you play by hers, but you must make yourself obvious to her.
> > Developing and practising possible reponses in advance is like putting tools in your toolbox; they're ready when you need them.
> <<Yes, I agree. I guess my responses are not effective. They'd be effective if someone said them to *me* though..."Lisa, I don't like to chat when I'm writing a report." Um, to me that means get lost....to her..."Oh, OK, I'll just sit here and read. I won't bother you.""Please leave my office." Just a suggestion.
> Blows my mind. I would've left!Because you're an empathetic sweetheart.
> "Lisa, your sitting at my desk is distracting while I work. Even if you don't talk, I feel the need to entertain you."
>
> "Don't worry about me. I just want to enjoy the sunshine a bit (my office has the window).
>
> "Lisa, please leave."Oh. I should have read your message again. :-/
> "Oh, well, if you're going to be like *that!*" Then to everyone in earshot: "Be careful! Susan's in a really bad mood! I wouldn't bother her if I were you!"What a bitch, eh?
All you can do to that is try and make as much eye-contact with your coworkers, with a tired wry grin, and a shrug. Prove her wrong, with your body language.
> >> Part of the problem for you is that you get caught up in your own emotional response, and you have difficulty coming up with a reasonable and rational comment to her.
> <<Yup. :-)It's about getting emotion out of you, on her part.
> > Another thing is, document the patterns of behaviour. It may sound petty, but should it come to a situation where someone's job is on the line, documentation may well tip the balance, particularly if you have brought it to your supervisor's attention more than once, without adequate remedy being offered you.
> <<Yeah, it's informally documented in some e-mails that I've sent to a friend, fussing about the issue.Time to go official. Come at it from your own concern about your work productivity.
> > Some people are addicted to turmoil. They cannot have a calm moment. That leads them to feel panicked. I fear that's the problem here. She's got to be involved in something, no matter what.
> <<Maybe. She went to therapy when her marriage was ending and the therapist told her she is passive-agressive.I looked at a couple web sites, and yes and no. She's more than passive-aggressive, from the sounds of things. She does use passive-aggressive methodology, but there's more to it, I think.
> I need to do some research on that, cuz I don't really know what that entails. I know this woman has really poor social skills (she insulted my family one night when about 6 of my office mates were out to dinner). And I think she clings to groups because she feels left out. Other people like her just fine. I just don't.
Here's a link or two:
http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/papd.htm
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/> > Maybe documented patterns of behaviour will get you the office change you're looking for. I'm stretching.
> <<Hahah! I dunno about that either. I've told my boss that she is distracting me from doing my work and that my quality of work is suffering. I think I wrote that in e-mail to him, by the way. And he just pooh poohed it.Bring it up again, and remind him that you already brought it to his attention. I don't know how your politics works, in-house, but you might consider mentioning the human resources angle to him.
> Well, he yelled at me the other day for slacking on a project, it was the first he's *seen* I guess of my decreased productivity. I said "see?" She's nowhere near the whole problem (ADs/depression are the biggest culprits), but I just figured if I could get rid of her as one of my problems, it would help make me stronger, give me a more stable work environment, and I could get better at doing my work...
The Americans with Disabilities Act should protect you, non?
> Think it's better to address this incident by incident, in a much more forceful manner than my previous comments, or to sit her down and tell her I'm having serious trouble with her behavior?
>
> SusanYou must indeed address this on an incident by incident basis, but with a level-headed response that stays in real time. No references to the past, or inferences about the future. Here and now, this is the problem. After you've got a little of evidence recorded, and you've talked to the powers-that-be, it may be time to tell her you're documenting her behaviour, and suggest it's all up to her.
One of the biggest suggestions I saw, about dealing with a passive-aggressive individual, is to come to some sense of acceptance of their behaviour. Not approval, just accept that they're twisted. What can you expect from her? Hopefully, that sort of attitude will help you remain emotionally detached, so you can move on.
Good luck, Susan. This is a tough situation to be in.
Hugs,
LarP.S. Do *not* share any personal information with her, ever again. It's nothing more than a tool to use against you.
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:271851
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/272010.html