Posted by Larry Hoover on October 22, 2003, at 11:37:52
In reply to I really need help on this.., posted by Susan J on October 22, 2003, at 11:13:01
> I try to be super polite at work, even when people anger me. And I always bury anger, so it's difficult for me to communicate it to the person who's making me angry.
I believe that to be the core of your problem. You may even want to spend some time understanding anger itself. It is my belief that anger is a secondary emotional response. For example, she reads your personal profile aloud in the office, you're embarassed that your personal life has been brought into your professional domain without your permission, and you become angry at her.
Behaviour --> embarassment --> anger
> I know I've made this situation worse by not confronting it. And each new thing my suitemate does just drives me all the more batty.
The batty comes from your internalized anger at self.
You may want to rehearse some of the recurrent scenarios, and possible effective responses. For example, when she overhears and comments on private telephone conversations, you might ask your telephone partner to hold on, take the telephone away from your ear, look her straight in the eye, and in a level voice, state a fact. "This is none of your business." Repeat as often as needed.
By focussing on the issue, e.g. that it is none of her business, you avoid making your emotional response part of the issue.
Developing and practising possible reponses in advance is like putting tools in your toolbox; they're ready when you need them. Part of the problem for you is that you get caught up in your own emotional response, and you have difficulty coming up with a reasonable and rational comment to her.
Another thing is, document the patterns of behaviour. It may sound petty, but should it come to a situation where someone's job is on the line, documentation may well tip the balance, particularly if you have brought it to your supervisor's attention more than once, without adequate remedy being offered you.
> I've got to stop this problem or I'm going to blow up at work, cuss her out, and get in trouble. And that's not me, it really isn't.
>
> Think she's annoying me on purpose?
>
> SusanSome people are addicted to turmoil. They cannot have a calm moment. That leads them to feel panicked. I fear that's the problem here. She's got to be involved in something, no matter what.
Maybe documented patterns of behaviour will get you the office change you're looking for. I'm stretching.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:271851
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/271866.html