Posted by fallsfall on July 15, 2003, at 10:16:23
In reply to Re: Weighing the alternatives » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on July 15, 2003, at 8:32:44
"I can't be what I should be."I look at who/what I used to do - Software Engineering manager for 48 people, determining how 3 children would be raised etc. I look at what I do now - I cleaned my kitchen counters yesterday, and they'll stay clean because my daughter is at camp (this is a lot more than I was doing 6 months ago). Compare the discrepancy between the potential and the actual. What a disappointment.
And as you say, will it get any better, or is this the end? The level of effort to gain even a tiny bit of progress is astounding - and you never know if it will help.
I feel so guilty for not being mentally and emotionally there for my daughter while she finishes high school. I feel guilty that I can't give the world what I have the potential to do.
But I think that (at least) I have to accept what reality is, and accept what I can and cannot do to change it. Sometimes I think this makes me try less hard that I should, but the alternative is to see myself as "bad" (evil) all the time and that would be a dangerous road to travel. I guess I'm trying to accept where I am today, and push a little for improvement tomorrow. Sometimes the improvement comes, sometimes it doesn't. I think that if I try too hard that I get too many expectations and then they are not met, and I use too much effort which means I lose energy. I may miss some opportunities to make progress by being this conservative, but right now I think this approach is safer.
Will I ever "get better"? I can't see being where I was before. I think I'll get better than this (I'm better in the last month - go figure). I guess I'm taking it one day at a time - and not trying to look too much farther ahead.
I hear your pain, and I know of it. Right now I think I am avoiding that pain by putting blinders on.
If nothing else, Dinah, you are a blessing to Babble.
FallsFall
poster:fallsfall
thread:241167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/242012.html