Posted by m3 on February 19, 2002, at 2:19:04
In reply to Re: grraaaaarrrh » m3, posted by kiddo on February 15, 2002, at 19:09:43
I had my appt. tonight. My T says that she made a mistake; she acknowledges continuing to push a little after I said I felt manipulated but says she did not understand that pushing more would cause so much hurt/anger.I am trying to believe her. I certainly think therapists can make mistakes and it seems within reason that her words last time could just be a mistake. It is still a struggle to try to believe/forgive her; I don't have very much insight into where she's coming from due to the ol' therapist privacy thing.
To clarify something that I'm not sure came through in previous posts: I don't/didn't suspect her of being out to get me, or deliberately trying to damage me or the therapeutic bond. Let me recap what I'm concerned about, since I am still interested in getting other people's take(s) on it:
This is what happened, confirmed with her tonight:
1) I am restless, tired of being depressed, a little frustrated with the ineffectiveness of treatment (>11 mos. with her, 2 yrs on meds).
2) Therapist notices my frustration and believes I might be angry with her but unable to express it or possibly to feel it.
3) T repeatedly suggests, over several sessions, that I am angry or irritated with her. Usually a question: Are you annoyed with me because you don't feel any better? Sometimes: I sense you're a little frustrated with me because you don't feel any better.
4) I continue to say, sincerely, that I feel frustrated by my situation more than by her. I dig up a little frustration with her but it doesn't amount to much.This is what *I fear* then happened:
5) Therapist, with good intentions, decides to *assist me to be angry* (not just to assist me expressing it) with her. Possibly she wants me to transfer anger at my illness or parents or whatever to her, in the interests of helping me get over it.
6) T proceeds to provoke me to be angry with her by pushing past my feelings of being manipulated and continuing to suggest I am angry with her. Possibly she thinks the easiest way she can make me angry with her is if she creates a situation where I notice being manipulated. She somehow does not see that this will also make me lose trust in her. Or worse, she foresees this but decides that I'll get over it.
Back to what actually did happen:
The result of what I perceived as deliberate manipulation is that I do feel angry, betrayed, and disrespected. It is hard for me to respond to anything she says, especially things ending in a question mark. I resent my feelings because I feel that they were planted against my will.It is still difficult for me to dismiss the idea that this was deliberate, even if it was well-meaning: why would she tell me if it was? When we had our appt tonight she was trying hard to express caring, empathy, concern. But she would also do that if the plan was for me to transfer anger and work through it. She brought up transference ("maybe this reminds you of how you were treated by someone else") tonight. Is this "evidence", somehow? It's also a logical question. I don't know. I don't want to be in this second-guessing mode at all, but here I am.
I guess writing this post has helped me to identify some of the "weak spots" in my suspicions. My natural tendency is to assume that the simplest explanation is true, even in psychotherapy, and I consider "it was a mistake" to be simpler than 5 and 6 above. I guess I'll have to wait and see if that's enough.
M3, who has typed more than she thought she had and thanks any remaining readers for their patience
poster:m3
thread:18297
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020214/msgs/18470.html